Overheard on the bus

I overheard my nan telling her friend Elsie that if my cousin hadn't gone into labour by Wednesday then the Doctor was going to seduce her.

Elsie nodded wisely whilst I was thinking 'it's a bit late for that'

Idontsee DS and his mates do this too - think it comes from Blackadder

I've just heard at soft play "You cant whistle, you sound like a demented train"

Ds on his xbox live playing FIFA with his mates. One had apparently just fouled DS:
"You did that on purpose! How very dare you sir!"
Not sure when my 14 yo son turned into a 17th century fop...

When she was 8 months pregnant with me, my mum had to go into hospital for external cephalic version under general anaesthetic (they'd turned me round twice in the antenatal clinic, but I was determined to be a breech baby, so they admitted her to turn me and wedge my head into her pelvis - lucky, lucky mum).

She was in bed, with the curtains round her, and a student nurse was going through the admissions form - dad was waiting outside the curtains, and heard the following conversation:

Student nurse - what religion are you?

Mum - none (mum's a humanist, but clearly didn't want to have to explain that).

Student nurse - Ah. OK. Is that spelt N-U-N??

Mum - >

Dad could hardly stifle the laughter!

I was on the last train out of London Victoria one night and a very, very drunk man sitting in the seats in front of me decided to call his girlfriend.

'I really love yoooooooo'
'We're at...'

About 18 months ago now, but a classic nonetheless...

Woman: we'll DS has been in Amsterdam, but he doesn't go for all the drugs n that, he's into all the culture stuff...

Her companion: yeah

Woman: yeah. He went to Uretha Franklin's house

Companion: who's that then?

Woman: oh. She wrote a book or something ...

Me and DP sniggered

Best overheard festive anger of last Xmas :
"LEAVE it, Rosie. I've had it with slippers, I've had it with Christmas, and I've had it with you."

Oh kenadams, did she not get off at his stop, or the other stop, but....

Stayed on the bus til the terminus then had mad passionate sex in the shelter with ......the bus driver?

And you stayed and watched it?? You bloody perv

Very very drunk man Scottish man on train on his phone...

(said in broad Scottish accent)

"Of course I love ya Juliaaaaa! Ah Jumped ya bones didn't ah??"

It was a very long and loud conversation, but this bit particularly sticks in my mind! I had to go to the buffet car so I could laugh.

Tell us kenadams!!

A woman got on the bus. A man got on and sat next to her.

Him: Please don't get off at X stop to go to him. Please get off at Y stop with me. I love you.

Her: It's too late you've had too many chances.

I was on tenterhooks.

She got off at...

Not on a bus, but a tourist encounter in Rome.

Woman (obviously of the anglophone variety) was staring anxiously at map and around her, clearly trying to work out where the hell she was. Saw me passing (I guess I must have had my map out too or something) and stopped me for the following exchange:

Woman, proffering map: Excuse me - are you English by any chance?
Me (in ENGLISH): No - I'm Irish, but how can I help?
Woman, peeved: Well, I can't speak Irish!!

And briskly walked off, presumably to find somebody who spoke English to help her...

loving these. Frozen cauli is my fave so far.

I was once on a silent early-morning commuter train. My DM was staying at my house and that morning was going to take my cat to the vet for me. I realised I hadn't got the cash out of the pot so I rang her on my mobile and said,

"Just remembered I haven't told you where I keep all the money."

A man in the carriage said, "Ooh, tell all of us!" and then everyone turned around and looked at me expectantly like this o__o

A woman on the bus was talking to her friend about how she hated her daughter's pet snakes.

'One of them escaped, and of course I was terrified.... (dramatic pause) ......... luckily the cat ate it!'

whitebits .

Though for readers not familiar with Glasgow vernacular, that's "mind" as in "don't forget" rather than "mind" as in "watch out for", otherwise it conjures up a weird image of the girl chucking soft drinks, confectionary and sanitary towels out of the window at her beloved...

My memory is going because I remember hearing this story before but can't recall if DH told me or I read it on here

DH (or perhaps a MNer ?) standing at a bus stop and heard a young lady shouting from her flat window to her boyfriend below who was crossing the street ...
Her "...and mind the Irn Bru..."
Him "Aye"
Her" ....and mind the Mars Bar..."
Him "Aye"
Her " and mind the FANNY PADS !!!!!!"
Him "AYE !"
Her " Ah fucking love you !!!"

Think I would have pissed myself if I'd been there......

I love these

I work in a GP surgery.

One of our receptionists took a call that went like this:

Patient: I need to see a doctor because I'm very ill and can't get to the surgery.

Receptionist: OK Mrs Bloggs I'll put you down for a house call later today.

Patient: Oh no you can't do that!

Receptionist: Why not?

Patient: Because I live in a bungalow!

I was on the bus to school about 10 years ago and my eyes were opened by a conversation between two women about their partners kinks... Apparently one had stopped using deodorant because her partner could only get off when sniffing her arm pits!!!

In B&M Stores, just before Christmas.

Her: I want that pink kettle.
Him: What pink kettle?
Her: That one
Him: Get it then.
Her: No.
Him: Why not?
Her: Because I don't want it.
Him: You just said you did
Her: I wanted you to get it for me but you've spoilt it now!

In a lift, young woman telling her friend about a previous night out:
'I dunno what went on cos I left really early. I pulled this really hot African guy. We were dancing and he said he wanted to take me home and cover me in honey. I went cos I thought he said money! I legged it when he got out the runny stuff'. Cue friend, boyfriend and me cracking up.

Oh dear, I hope no-one was in the local shop with my sister when she took DS1 in, aged around 4 - she said she heard herself saying very loudly to him "You can have a cheese string OR a scratchcard but I haven't got enough money for both!"
He used to like rubbing the silver coating off when she bought scratch cards!

Two teens on my bus, having a good humoured row:

Teen 1: you're a prick

Teen 2: no you're a prick

Teen 1: if I'd wanted my own comeback I'd have licked your mum's face.

I very maturely burst out laughing and over a year later still get evil looks from the adult commuters