Someone in a work meeting today said 'jizz it up' instead of jazz it up

These are hilarious!
I've drawn more than one diagram on the board in my classroom that looked like a knob and another that looks like a boob. I now copy relevant diagrams from google images into PowerPoint.
A friend of mine doing a science PGCE taught a whole lesson about creepy crawlies because she was worried she would say orgasm instead of organism!

I've previously discussed my "discharge" problems with a visiting equipment engineer - he said he couldn't help
Also, trying to spell my name for a non-English IT help guy on the phone, the only word I could think of beginning with N was..... Naughty (bangs head on desk)
I've since learnt the NATO phonetic alphabet

I once processed correspondence from a government department at the end of which the official calmly pointed out that our official submission (think legally-binding public document) had had "shite" throughout where, he suggested, "white" was probably what we were after.

Disclaimer: I had had nothing to do with the creation of the original.

Omg actually crying with laughter here

juliet just be grateful you didn't write "janes cunt details are posted on the notice board for those who want to place their deposits there!"

When I used to work in a ore school we a were an all female staff except one older male who was a fantastic musician. He led who school music session once a week and took it very seriously - and could make up songs to tunes in an instant.
One day we were doing pets and he was singing "this is the way I ...." To mulberry bush. A child chose a soft toy cat and stroked it. Teacher says oh stroke the cat - child says no the Pussy.
And so we found ourself singing his - and I have no idea how

I am laughing my socks off at this thread.

I have just remembered when I was a naive 16 year old office junior, Friday was fish day. As the junior I used to make tea and do the lunch run.

Each Friday I went around everyone and got the lunch requests and then I duly went to the local Fish & Chip shop. One particular older gentleman used to get great pleasure in telling me to ask for 'tail end' of fish. I used to burn with embarrassment when he asked me and again when I asked in the shop.

The shop was always full of workmen too, who never missed an opportunity to pass smutty comments. I used to die of shame

I did some temp work once with a supplier to the railways. I was taken on to deal with a huge backlog of paperwork that needed manually inputting to a very cumbersome computer system, and the easiest way of doing it was for me to type whilst the (very strait laced, polite, gentlemanly) big boss dictated.

I gave up trying to keep a straight face the third time he said "flange splitter".

norbert. OMG.

A backwards one: I used to work in a very international team, and one day the Greek lass asked if she could ask me about something a bit rude. Of course, I said, fearing something similar to the time she had asked why so many of the Men Seeking Men ads in the paper wanted Greek men.

She asked me why a wheelie bin was called a wheelie bin.

Desperately trying not to sound too patronising, I said "because it's got wheels on."

Long pause and she blushed a lot. She'd thought it was a "willy bin" for the last few years!

Once a colleague of mine (a non native english speaker) was talking about the reintroduction of the European beaver with her "Beaver club". A friend and almost peed ourselves laughing.

My boss uses an unfortunate phrase when people are off sick or not in work for any reason. She refers to them having gone down on her ........ "I've got a problem as three people have gone down on me today" or "I could really do without Margaret going down on me again tomorrow"

The first time I heard her say it I nearly fell off my chair trying to contain my snorts of laughter.

All of these are making me cry with laughter. 11 mo DS has stopped bfing to give me funny looks.

I espcially like "we do love a bit of anal in here" and juliet's cunt and pigeonhole message.

velour I am intrigued to know what your DF actually meant to say.

When I was about 11 I was asking my mum if I could go and stay at a friends house. I had recently watch grease and had heard the word virginity. I had no idea what it meant. I said something like "but I must go to her house or else it'll effect my virginity!" My mum just sniggered and said Oh really?!
I think I was allowed to go and then a few months later found out what it meant. I've been quietly mortified ever since!

strap ons

velour are you sure he's misusing it? maybe he's just being very open?

I sent an email round once about paying deposits for a Christmas party. It was worded something like: All money needs paying to Jane Smith by 2nd December. Janes cunt details are posted on the noticeboard in the staff room for anyone that wants to give it to her online, otherwise please pop your deposit in a named envelope and leave it in her pigeonhole.

How account got corrected to cunt I'll never know, but I never lived it down. Nor did Jane, who had to out up with jokes about deposits and giving it to her for the next few months

Years ago a colleague suggested an idea was a "no boner"... It became legend. [immature emoticon]

An elderly man was looking for his wallet where I work and I heard him say oops wrong hole.

I couldn't stop laughing.

My dad's trialperiod in his new job has passed uneventfully so he is very relieved. So announced that he and my mum were going to have a two week orgy to celebrate.

He constantly misuses this word.

Work in quite a male orientated environment, in some of the shops I go to they don't expect a female to be popping in to see them.

One needed some fittings, and he just couldn't bring himself to say what he needed. "the piece that fits in here", "y'know the bit that connects to this". So I just sighed and said, 'so you need a nipple then.." He goes all red and says, yes that's it.

The nipple, female/male adaptor, hose length jokes from customers are a bit old now...

Pahaha!

When I was a rather naive innocent 16YO, I did a YTS scheme (now modern apprenticeships I think). I was placed with small company, mainly staffed by men. I asked the (male) boss in front of one of the (male) salespeople if anyone had booked leave on a particular date 'because I wanted to have it off'.

Yes, they laughed. Yes, they asked 'who with?'. Yes, I blushed for a week.

Years ago, I worked in an office. I had a halloween decoration of a black cat on a pumpkin. Following year I shouted to the whole open plan office "Yay it's halloween, I can get my pussy out".

Years ago I worked in a company owned and run by two guys with very different personalities. One of them was once interviewed for an article in one of the trade magazines relevant to our business. He referred to his business partner as 'the cerebral part of the partnership'. When his business partner read the published article he looked at us with some bemusement and said "what's cerebral?"

Another occasion, a group of us were discussing a marketing strategy and someone used the expression 'Joe Public'. Same bloke, same look of bemusement, said "who's Joe Public?"

I drafted a document for the Anytown County Court with an 'o' missing.

Still makes me snigger.

One of my Spanish colleagues was referring to the Communication on Quality and decided to abbreviate it.

To COQ

And so spends all of the presentation talking not just about COQ but "The COQ"

We were helpless by the end.

Oh lord this has made e laugh. Especially the elderly aunt who got fisted on a triple