Someone in a work meeting today said 'jizz it up' instead of jazz it up

When I was a student and very naïve I worked part time in a pub. I once pulled a pint and it was very frothy so the customer asked me to top it up.

I apologised and said;

"Sorry, some men like a head and others don't".

It took me two bloody years to work out why half the bar fell about laughing.

Ohh the shame.

OMG Juliet & Norbert. "I could do without Margaret going down on me again tomorrow" - noooooooo.

These are so funny but I lost it at s for Simon and have been in paroxysms since

During the first Gulf War, my mum kept referring to the Scud missiles as Smeg missiles and couldn't understand why we laughing

I have sent an email to the whole department telling people I was very busty, when I meant busy ( it doesn't help that I do have a large bust)

Mimsy

At work I was at a group where people had name-badges and as you can imagine there were various standards of handwriting. Somebody's badge read "Vicar [Surname]" and I asked him how long he'd been a Vicar.

He told me he had been Victor since his mother named him 40 years ago. I don't know who was more embarrassed. Me, him, or all my colleagues.

I was once rushed off my feet at work and quickly typed an RSVP for my boss to attend a charity event with a Countess. I missed out the 'o'.

I only noticed it after I pressed send it was on the message title as well.

I was in a team meeting once full of doctors, consultants etc, discussing various cases, when one of the consultants ( male), stood up, excused himself, and announced he was just going to pop out for a 'Tommy Tank '!?

He left, I, along with some others had to explain the joke, and he was mortally embarrassed when he returned from 'taking a leak'. Unfortunate mix up.

A friend of mine who is a pharmacist just caught at the last moment that she had written on a label 'to be taken with food or full-fat milf'.

My DDad came to visit and we took him out for a meal. Pizza Express was full so he said maybe we should go to "that other one you mentioned: Jizzis".

Pizza with chef's special sauce anyone??

My Dad had a dildo rail too. He was also a fan of "Jan Dildo". (Jill Dando).

My Nan, describing how my parents were probably enjoying the weather on holiady: "well, they'll probably be spitroasting in the sun by now".

I bloody hope not.

flossyfloof that reminds me of playing scrabble with an ex's great aunt once. She was a very sweet old lady and we all had a good giggle once we realised that rude words weren't officially forbidden; I remember her murmuring to herself 'shit?....Shittery?' over her hand of letters. Ex and I were in stitches.

The thermostat on the Aga had a couple of millimetres of mercury come loose and they had moved about half an inch in front of the main mercury line so after endlessly messing about with the controls I was unsure about the actual temperature it was running at. The thermostat itself is deep inside an Aga and the only way to replace one is to dismantle the Aga from the top. I rang the Aga centre to ask for an engineer to visit and look at it and the lady said "I'll send Fred on Tuesday but he'll have to take your top off"

In fact on a later trip to France (my French hadnt improved much), I accidentally told a French male friend that "je suis en chaleur", thinking this meant I was hot. I didn't - it meant I am on heat... I gave up French after that

When i was 15 I went to France to stay with my pen friend. My French wasn't very good. I was a very fussy eater and wasn't enjoying one family meal at all. I tried to say that I was full "je suis pleine" but couldn't understand the shocked reaction I got, until the father (a doctor) explained that this actually meant "I am pregnant"...

The bank was crowded, we had several shops still to call at and as some we'd already been to hadn't got what we'd asked for, we'd had to change our planned schedule. I wasn't sure where the next port of call was so I asked dd (late teens) who has a very good memory where we were going next. "The Mile High shop" she said, into one of those silences where a solitary voice echoes to every ear in the room.
Our destination was The Mile Grocer's shop.

When my mother thinks someone need to show more enthusiasm she says 'they need to get a bit of jizz about them'. I just can't bring myself to tell her.

and for Snowballs (unless you're ill with a stomach bug or something, sorry ...!)

If I'm in a meeting and some talks about a new process and says "we will just have to suck it and see" I can't stop laughing. I get a mental picture of... well you know what.

snowballs you just made me cry with laugher.

I was once spelling my name out in a meeting, say my name was sarah, I said it is S for simon. Everyone looked up and asked why I didn't just say, S for Sarah? No idea.

Friend inheritated her grannies flat and she was wanting to keep its original fittings but was having the walls sorted so she phoned a man to come in and take off her dildo rail

Aw that's my first ever response on MN, thanks Only! I feel like I really exist now! (Disclaimer: am ill and maudlin)

Snowballs, I've done the phonetic 'Naughty' too! The person on the other end of the line hooted with laughter.