Someone in a work meeting today said 'jizz it up' instead of jazz it up

One of my colleagues once sent out a report on a tenant fit out proposal, except he had entitled it 'Tenant Tit Out Proposals'.

I once sent a letter to Bristol Cunty Court.

coming up your behind snigger :-)

The company who sold me coal, when I lived in a Victorian terrace, use to call me each year and ask if I 'wanted a delivery up my back passage' as usual. They MUST have known

After cool scare club.

I've got a few of these, told most before but here goes. Have on more than one occasion when repeating a vehicle registration mark back to a member of the public, said W for wanky, then for some ridiculous reason when trying to correct it said the exact same thing, over and over again! Just could not for the love of all that is holy get out W for whiskey!!

Have also typed on an incident log (which is by the way, not alterable, and might well be read out on a court document). Suspects are believed to be trapped behind the shitter door (shutter door, obvs!).

I am a moron!!

Also, dh had a particularly unpleasant boss, who also was unfortunately not the sharpest tool in the box - used to totally not get rhyming slang, would say 'so for the next work do, will we go for a ruby curry?' Or 'who's got my bill and pen?' He also used to have a habit of accusing people in meeting of 'going off on a tandem'(!) but his best ever, was the day he announced loudly and angrily at a morning briefing 'MINGE MINGE MINGE! I'm so bloody sick of you lot, all you ever do is bloody minge!' Dh and his colleagues almost burst blood vessels trying not to piss their selves laughing at that one, because woe and betide!

I was once a park ranger in my student holidays and we all had walkie talkies to stay in touch over the vast parkland but you could hear everyone's communications. My favourite was between two of the older, knarled permanent rangers
Ranger 1 "where are you now, Bob, over"
Ranger 2 " I'm coming up your behind as we speak, Tom, over"

Cue radio silence followed by the echo of student rangers pissing themselves. Ranger 1 and 2 didn't understand - they'd been putting it that way for years........

I had a choking fit on at bit of sandwich. My boss said "I was getting worried I'd have to stick my tongue down your throat there" and then just about died trying to correct himself to arm. You know when you absolutely know you mustn't say something and you're thinking so hard about not saying it that it pops out. Poor man. Bwa haa

We used to use a database called Mistral. Shy buttoned-up male colleague regularly referred to it as Menstrual. Noone dared upset him by saying.

And only today, I was helping someone draft herself a CV. She had been a shift leader. I wrote she had regularly supervised shits .

Once my friend Adam sent me a text message asking what services I would offer if I was a call girl. Being used to his random questions and inappropriate sense of humour I replied bluntly 'Will do everything but anal." Then promptly sent it to the wrong Adam in my phone book; a work colleague. Oops

I worked in a call centre and my best friend sitting next to me took a call from a really nasty woman, screaming down the phone at her about Clubcard points.

Friend changed the name on her account to Mrs C Unt while she was ranting on...completely forgot to change it back and was off on holiday when the Clubcard vouchers were sent out.

A member of my staff emailed me asking for some emergency leave- she ended the email with a lovely "really sorry for any incontinence caused"......

I have tears running down my cheeks, I haven't laughed so hard in I don't know how long!

I love Mumsent, this is brilliant and absolutely hilarious.

Thank you all for brightening up my day!

I once saw a sign on a bus that said "pensioners, you must show both halves of your pass to the driver" .......with the p scribbled out on 'pass'.
The very thought!

These are funny. Bloody Margaret going down on everyone again!

Clearly, I lead a sheltered life because I don't understand some of these expressions.

namelessposter,

When I'm at work I have to take the names of foreign people of of the police/social services/hospitals etc
Some of the names are so unfortunate spoken by a Brit.
We get names like Kuntas.
Obviously I have to pretend like I've not thought it's amusing.
I do want to comment though.

Some of these are so funny. Strap on! Arf!

I once came very close to sending out a report that stated my client had been sniffing arseholes. I meant aerosols. Thank goodness for my secretary's keen eye. We still giggle 3 years on!

Scarffiend rofl

I'm the boss where I work and have been on a mission to get one of the (all male) sales team to record in more detail his conversations with cients in the CRM software.

He told me last week that I would be glad he was now being 'really anal' about doing this.

I declared loudly and emphatically "Great! I LOVE anal!"

Tumbleweed abounded. No doubt the room roared as soon as I left

My head of dept said today that one of the female members of staff 'couldn't fit him in' in the context of her schedule of course, but we juvenile minded lot all giggled inappropriately in front of the stony faced deputy head.

I was once in the works kitchen with a shy male colleague who was offering the tea out to me - I replies 'oh yeah, tea bag me baby!' I have no idea what possessed me. He was mortified but not as much as I was.

I once put a display board up in a secondary school. "Make your work experience count!"

Looking back, we should have known what would happen.

You know when your reading mumsnet and then laugh with children near by well that has just happened I lold at Strap on dd said whats funny urm erm nothing dear

These are hilarious.

Stuffofawesome, the s for Simon got me too.