Someone in a work meeting today said 'jizz it up' instead of jazz it up

I love the mental image of people 'going off on a tandem', sailing happily into the sunset.

I frequently type 'disocunt' for discount. I recently texted my boss to say I was running late for work, meant to type 'See you when I get in' and narrowly caught my bloody predictive text before it made me tell him I'd see him 'when I get unzipped'.

I am still really laughing at 'MINGE MINGE MINGE'

No... But lets pretend she is!

Is she called Mary?

Merry! I think we have the same mum!

(I now pronounce it 'Cyoomin'. I have no idea if this is right, but it does stop the double-entendre).

My Mum's always referred to people as 'funny old faggots' and used 'mingey' for stingey. It's never really struck me as it's just normal. However, once with friends round (at the Viz-friendly age of 16) she announced she had made 'Cauliflower with come in' (Cumin), to which we all fell around laughing.

Laughing so much at these

I once called my dad a faggot and couldn't understand why he was so cross. I'd only heard of the food item before...

About 20 years ago, someone in our large office was talking about someone winking, and carried on, sort of wondering out loud what the past tense of winking was. Rather than saying that someone winked, she managed to come up with "wanked". And immediately went bright red.

'Dildo rail'

My son took his work home from primary school and he'd written all about how he wanted to be a rapper and how much he loved rapping,
Nothing wrong with that I hear you say....except he'd spelled rapper and rapping with one p

A friend of a friend told me they sent a group email out to external clients with it stating they worked at the school of pubic health.

I replied to an email from my boss asking if they could shift a meeting forward a few hours:

"shit away"

To the whole department! eek

At an exam in my school a case study was badly printed and so had to be redone during the exam.

The irony, the case study was called "Perfect Printing"

I used to have to take down people's names in my last job. A German lady came in and I was copying her name from her driving licence - Ms. Aßman.

Now, I know that ß is substituted in written language with two Ss, but I didn't want to type in "Mrs. Assman". So I sort of floundered a bit and said "I, um, I don't have this character." She looked at me as though I was a bit stupid and said "Just put two Ss." So. Yeah.

at this thread.

Dh and I are non-native English speakers and I must confess lots of these words/double meanings are news to me.

Aaaaaaaah haaaaaa! love this thread. Really going to be regularly thinking "Margaret's gone down on me again" now, whenever plans go awry.

My dsis, in posh company, only slightly drunk once admired the 'dildo' rail in a sitting room.

My dad calls ds nonce all the time. Am now googling it.

While I was at school (Year 11) my friend had been repeatedly told off and eventually was being sent out of class my friends response was "oh come on Miss!"
To which the (must be close to retirement age) teacher replied "don't come on me!"
She genuinely had no idea why we were all in fits of laughter bless her

Ooh another one (always remember the ones the kids came out with!).

DD2 in primary school (p5 I think) at Halloween when they all dressed up for the day. One of the boys in her class came in dressed as an octopus and she asked him how he'd made the 'testicles'. It wasn't until everybody started laughing she realised, but she said she didn't know what the word was she was looking for. I said 'tentacles' and she was adamant that wasn't it.

It wasn't - it was antennae (eh?) or at least that's what she said... Apparently he'd had those deely-boppers (showing my age there) on his head and she wanted a pair. Took a while to figure that one out.

Not me but oldest DD at secondary school (11 or so years ago). In music, she was asked a question - the answer should have been atonal (didn't even get round to finding out what the question was). She answered....analtone (anal tone). Cue hilarity all round and the teacher desperately trying not to laugh. Half of her class came to tell me when I turned up in the car to pick her up and me nearly wetting myself all the way home.

I've probably gaffed a hundred times but always remember this one.

Couple of weeks ago, a group email sent to approx. 150k staff - was an interview with a senior leader.

One of the questions was 'who are your three ideal dinner guests?'

One of them was Booby Moore . Hastily corrected email sent a few minutes later! (I hasten to add, I didn't write the email, but I did notice the gaff and circulate it to a few friends pointing it out )

When very young and innocent, I had to give a presentation to members of the public on food analysis. I announced confidently that I was going to demonstrate the technique using a Mars Bar, and was perplexed by the chorus of approval, including applause and whistles.