Someone in a work meeting today said 'jizz it up' instead of jazz it up

I had to go to a hospital with a colleague as part of my job. We arrived at the department and were hanging round one of the offices. One of the nurses working there said she was off home and was having the next few days off for a long weekend. Off she goes. A minute later she comes back in the office and picks her mug up. One of the other nurses said "I thought you were going?", other nurse replies "I've just come back to wash my mug, I don't want to have to come back and drink from a furry cup!"

My colleague and I did try hard to stifle giggles whilst trying to maintain a professional and authoritative image (we are in uniform). Still not sure we managed it.

Sat in a packed travel agents with dh, the lovely young gentleman agent was explaining a few tricks of the trade, used to try to blag room upgrades and freebies in hotels. He was explaining of the best tricks is to tell the hotel you are honeymooning, and for added authenticity, he always advises ladies to give their wedding ring a good polish!
I just couldn't help myself shouting at the top of my voice exclaiming 'haha polish your ring, ladies' to the shop at large, whilst dh sat furiously embarrassed and the young man was desperately trying to ignore my outburst.

When I was about 13 I begged my mum & dad to get a durex puppy (I meant Andrex puppy, but got it mixed up with the Dulux dog )

Friend of mine wanted a panini heating up in Waitrose. She said to the assistant "could you heat this poonani for me please?"

In an Irish pub in Warsaw, back in the late 1990s, was a large sign bearing an interesting mish-mash English translation of two common, welcoming messages.

It read:

"Feel yourself at home"

Not at work, but at a ceilidh with a group of friends. One girl didn't really know what she was doing, and had been dancing with one of my male friends but they'd stopped halfway through as it had all gone wrong.

Another song started, and he offered to dance with her again, she asked if he was sure, and he replied "Oh yes, I'll just wank you round harder this time".

Unfortunate hybrid of whip/yank there... And English isn't his first language, so he didn't realise what he'd said. There was silence for a few seconds before the rest of us got the giggles

I just said cunt in a team mtg. Meant to say cut. I manage people; they were there as was my boss.

Some time ago my three year old told me proudly that he and a friend were playing "minges"...... further investigation revealed it was a ninjas/minions hybrid.

At school I was supposed to say organism in answer to a question in front of whole class and said orgasm..... oh the humiliation.

And when my DS was younger, he announced to his classroom that "Daddy had a boner at work so bought a new laptop"......Bonus, child, BONUS!!

Once took my slightly vague Mum to see her slightly vaguer sister. Conversation came around to my cousin (Aunt's daughter) who had had to buy a new car as "Her old red vulva had finally broken down and had to be scrapped".........neither Mum nor Aunt understood why I spat my tea on the carpet!

Penrith Station's platform sign is AWESOME.

As is Mega Clitz/Cutz.

TheCunnyFunt

I'm glad I'm not the only one who laughs at things like that!

I was on a packed platform waiting for a train with my lovely parents and DH (who was DF then) when my Mom starts complaining about how she doesn't like the M&S dine in offer anymore because 'there is too much pulling the pork going on'! Me and my Dad couldn't stop laughing but DH was

Loose stool :o :o :o

but jizz does have a particular meaning in bird watching that is nothing to do with sperm!! Awkward...

No you cunt

I worked in a student accommodation and part of my job was to log any maintenance and repair requests that students had. In the shared flats there were four tall bar-style stools around the breakfast bar and someone phoned the office to say that one of them was very wobbly. I wrote a brief note to myself before logging it officially online, reread the words "loose stool" and laughed so hard I had to put the phone down.

Whoops!

Reading this thread while my DP plays a computer game and the character announces "i need both hands for my weapon".

My DD asked me why I wasn't crapping on her today when she was using the toilet. Turns out she meant to ask why I wasn't clapping.

"one of the highest expressions of love and affection bestowable upon a woman by a man." Yeah, sure.

That's gross.

TheCunnyFunt, here is the urban dictionary definition of pearl necklace. Please be aware that this is definitely not safe for work.

My parents laughed for years about a small ad in the back of the local paper which advertised a 'Fully upholstered three-piece shite'.

In a Maths lesson my teacher once discovered that she hadn't enough worksheets for everyone. She was only about 5 short and in her frustrated shouted "Oh, blow me!!"
The room full of 15yr al but died laughing.

I, as a very innocent (approx) 9yr old was trying to remember the lyrics of a song.
"What's that song, mum? You know "Take me home, something something something, WEST VAGINA!!"
I was mortified and still cringe at the memory.

I've posted before about my friends fiberotic Xmas tree! Still makes me laugh imagining it decorated with dildos and cock rings instead of twinkly lights!

I have, on more than one occasion signed off my emails with Man thanks or Many tanks.