Parents of older kids- looking back what was important and what wasn't?

You can be as sentimental all you like.

Fact is teenagers want to fit in with their peers. They won't thank you for making them the odd one out.

THINGS I AM HAPPY I DO/DID
Talked to them when they were 4 so that they talk/ed to me when they were 14 (now 18,14,11). Health visitor gave me that advice 18 years ago.
Got them involved in chores from a young age (when they think 'helping mum' is a fun thing to do). It makes it a habit.
Have always talked to them about age-appropriate sexual matters in a very unembarrassed way so that as they grow older they know they talk to me about sensitive matters.
Tell them that I love them daily (or twice daily or ten times daily)
Cuddle them every day (even at 18) and never turn down their open arms or request for a hug.
Tell them that they are beautiful in a specific way (You have gorgeous eyes, your hair is so thick and shiny, you are lucky you have such smooth skin, what long eyelashes you have) to encourage self-esteem (esp important for girls).
Respect their privacy.
Ensured that any activity or club that they do/did is something that they want to do, not what I want them to do.

Made them write thank you letters (proper written ones that get posted).
Encourage them to look people in the eye when they talk to them.
Talk about current issues in the news at mealtimes and ask their opinions "what would you do?", "was that person right to do that?", "why do you think they should do that?"etc. This sharpens their ability to form a reasoned opinion.
Taught them that everyone is unique and special.
Got them to understand that manners really do maketh man (and woman).

MY REGRETS
I wish I wasn't so grumpy at times
I would have liked to have taken more photos.
I wish we had spent more time visiting extended family.
I wish I had done more baking and cooking with them. I like my own space in the kitchen too much.
That we didn't do more outside stuff. We did a bit, but not enough.
I wish I hadn't pandered to my eldest's love of being taxi-ed around rather than insist she catch a bus. Have not made the same mistake with DC2 and DC3.
I wish I had not been such so risk averse and anxious when they were younger.

Teenagers want to fit in.

To deny that is wrong. They will find their own way eventually.

Plastic tat is important.

Fitting in is important until you find your teenage tribe

Trying to tell your teenagers that it's not important is bollocks.

I've nominated this for classics. Thanks OP - what a bloody lovely and reassuring thread!

I remember taking the recycling to the nearest recycle bins with ds (a few streets) and getting caught in the rain. We got rather wet and gave up trying to stay dry and jumped into every single puddle on the way home. I have to admit it was great fun

Yes to encouraging them to be themselves, even if they do want to turn up to non uniform day at school in a bow tie and bowler hat!

This thread has made me cry and I don't really know why. I think it's because I worry so much about whether I'm being a good enough parent and this is reminding me I just need to relax more.

Thank you for all the lovely advice

Agree with everything dorothycom said. Most important thing is to accept and love your child for who they are. Takes the stress out of the competition between parents . Love your DC for who they are, appreciate their strengths and help them overcome/accept/deal with their weaknesses.
Teach them kindness, empathy and acceptance of difference .
Children develop at different times - crawling, walking, potty training will happen when the child is ready.
Spend time with them, welly walks, snow fights, hill climbing, surfing etc - all fun and memorable.
And think to yourself - this too shall pass - this includes the good bits and the stressful bits . Treasure the good times , give lots of cuddles, praise effort over achievement and be proud of them.
When they are little, some days go very slowly, but when they are older you realise the years have flown past. Love them, tell them you love them and never stop hugging them and telling them you love them ( even though some days you are dog tired and they have not been easy).
Oh! Reading to them important (and lovely!) - homework ( apart from phonics/regular reading and learning times tables) not so much!

I have found out that peer pressure and fitting in is more of a concern to parents than it is to the kids.
We are conned by advertising media and politicians to believe our children are bothered about such stuff, to encourage us to buy into mega consumerism.
Mine are 23 19 and 10.

So, I wouldn't stress about fashion, labels, expensive hobbies, huge bills from gaming, independence and what they are allowed to do. etc

Time is important, stuff and plastic tat isn't. Let them know that you're there for them and they can talk to you about anything. Always give them a cuddle and remember that it's OK to let them win an argument sometimes.

Thank you tierra.

Just off to bed. I shall tell her how much I love her when I kiss her goodnight.

Thank you all; this is lovely to read. Another one here with a 2yo that had a terrible day (both of us). But at the end of the day we hugged and read a bedtime story and good to know that's the sort of thing that matters.

MeMyselfAndI your DS may not remember each individual activity or outing but I bet he feels the confidence, security and happiness that all those things felt like.

That's not to make anyone working feel bad btw.

notjustamummythankyou don't feel bad, 2 is a hideous age esp if you are exhausted. It does get a lot easier as they become more independent.

Mine are fast approaching 13 (twins). I never bothered comparing them re crawling, walking, talking etc as they were 2 months early and so it was pointless. They all get there in the end unless they have serious difficulties.

I tell them all the time that I love them and cuddle them as often as possible.

We all eat together as a family every night although I'm rubbish at reading with them despite being a voracious reader myself. Just can't get them interested so I need to stop worrying and pressurising them.

I can't get them to do much in the way of chores either but my DH was the same as a child and he's fine now, very helpful.

Being a SAHM while he was little. He doesn't remember the baking, the visits to the park and museums or the mornings playing with trains, . I can remember very clearly my lost career, though. If I had stayed working I would be in a better position to provide for him now that his father is no longer around. I never recovered from that career break.

The strange thing is that they remember things that you have forgotten and they forget things that you thought were the best things! If you can all laugh together at your worst moments,then you did OK!

I second what usualsuspect said.

And don't stress about school dinners/packed lunches.

It's only 5 light lunches out of 21 meals per week. If they don't eat much don't worry, there's plenty of time for them to eat at home.

What a lovely thread! Full of common sense too.
I think that everything that I would say has already been said.
The one thing that I would do differently is get them doing housework from a much younger age, but having said that they are all adults and all cook healthy meals, can clean etc
I wouldn't have fussed about food so much, just eating healthy meals as a family got them there- I wish that I had realised that weaning is very short and not important.
The most important things were unconditional love, the security of boundaries, choosing my battles, giving them time, laughing together, and communication, communication, communication.
My advice is do what suits you, don't let people make you feel inferior because their children read earlier than yours, or they co sleep and it doesn't suit you- it matters not one jot!
Actually, having looked back, DorothyCom has said it perfectly - I agree 100%.

Mine are almost 20 & almost 18.

Love them and tell them you love them.

Listen to them and talk to them, not at them.
Don't get dragged into shouting, screaming matches with them. It's not healthy and it doesn't solve them.

You reap what you sow, especially with teenagers. If you don't out effort in, they won't give effort back.

Support and encourage. Make them believe that they can. Both of my DC decided early on what they wanted to do as a career. DS1 is doing it, and DS2 is well on his way, we've encouraged them since they decided.

Tell them how proud you are, especially of effort. The acheivement doesn't always matter, but to me the effort does,
Sitting round the table at mealtimes, or playing board games. That family time is so so important.
Laugh, a lot, with them, at them and at yourselves.
Admit it when you are wrong and apologise.

Not Important
Chores. Yes ours do do some, but it's not the end of the world if they don't. I don't nag, they volunteer to do jobs round the house when they aren't under pressure.

If they don't eat their tea, or they didn't like a certain food. DS2 was really fussy, he'll eat anything now.

Loving this thread! So good to read something genuinely, positive and helpful!

Important
Minimal TV/maximum outside time - to whatever extent is reasonable and realistically possible
Reading to very young children, making sure they have lots of books to look at
Going out to do things with others adults who will chat to each other over the DC heads and DC can learn not to be centre of attention
A lot of love
Try not to shout

Not Important
Anything to do with breastfeeding
Type or brand of buggy/car seat/child rearing item
Trips to museums/theatre (sorry folks, that 3yo just won't care or remember)
Other parents childcare arrangements or their opinions on yours
Macdonalds

Pick your battles

Compromise

Don't stress about messy bedrooms

Don't do the 'my house my rules' bollocks

Welcome their friends

Let them know you always have their back and they can tell you anything without you going off on it.

Sod chores

Always say yes if you can

Don't stress about screen times

Love them unconditionally

Read stories in bed together. Very, very, very important. Every night.

Eat nice food.

Go for walks together. Long walks.

Lots of kissing and cuddling.

Learning music.

Developing a work ethic re: school work and homework. (have neglected this aspect of parenting and it has come back to bite me on the arse HARD).

Not important:

Sleeping through

Holidays abroad

'Getting your body back' after childbirth/breastfeeding

Sleeping in their own beds does not matter. Just sleeping, wherever.
They won't sleep with you forever. Sleeping with them aged 8 or 9 is just as lovely as 2 or 3.