Parents of older kids- looking back what was important and what wasn't?

Aye

Totally agree about resilience and not over protecting them.
It really does them no good what so ever to never experience boredom, upset, challenges and all you can do is let them know you are there for them whatever.
Kindness also doesn't equal letting people stomp all over you - looking after yourself and knowing what makes you tick comes first.

I also think teaching them good self care is much neglected and thats where routine comes in- eating well and regularly, getting enough sleep and exercise.

God I sound like I am some sort of stern Frau who makes her children roll in snow because its good for them

mrsjayy I'm thinking of taking over Kleenex. It's the only way, tbh!

Fairy caravan your post brought tears to my eyes
I have a 25 and an 18 year old
My job has been to make myself redundant
My mantra has always been 'never be afraid to say no' children need consistency and boundaries as well as knowing they are loved and part of a family
I am so proud of my children. They are not perfect but they are both funny, caring and kind. most of the time
I hope the world is kind to them

thefairycaravan maybe bulk buy

I agree about ressilance teaching them to be kind is great but they need to know not everybody is kind people will be mean not like them or even indifferent towards imo children need to be equipped to deAl with that.

I agree it hurts like hell to let them go.

When DS1 went to playschool, I had a tear. He looked at me and said "why are you upset mummy, I'm coming home at lunchtime!"

In July, he joined the army, which he chose over university. He was there, standing tall, upright and smart in his suit. He oozed confidence and was so enthusiastic and happy. My heart was a mixture of pride, but pain. I wept for an hour in the car (wasn't driving).

We took him to his new base a month ago, it is so far away. I cried for ages when we left him, because he'd been home for 10 days and the house had felt "right" again. It doesn't now.

I'm sticking up on tissues for when DS2 goes in September.

Wordfactory, I came back to mention resilience. Don't overprotect your children or try and solve everything for them. Things don't always go your way and it's important children learn to deal with that.

Sadly I knew several children whose parents, with the best of intentions, stepped in and solved every issue they had as they were growing up. This had disastrous consequences when they went off to university and were totally unequipped to cope with the ups and downs. It's hard to see your children unhappy, but better it happens when they are younger and you are around to teach them coping strategies.

I see a lot of posters have said a parent needs to teach a child to be kind.

This is true.

But I would also say that to thrive in life, they also need to know how to be flexible and resilient. Being able to deal with life's slings and arrows is what will see them through.

Trust your natural instinct, you are your children's expert you know best how to look after them. When mine were your children's age there was an awful lot of time spent with other mums. This is were children and parenting styles are compared. If I had my time again, I would do much less of that and much more time at home or with family. Everybody is different and needs a different parenting approach ( even siblings). If you meet challenges with your children as they grow up, you will be able to deal with them, and it won't be because they weren't potty train at 2 yo. Look after yourself and enjoy your babies, it seems to me that you are doing a great job by being a very attentive mum.

I think self awareness is vital as a parent.

I know that I was a much better parent when my DC slept in their own beds and that co-sleeping would have turned me into a screaming, touched out wreck( different for others I know).

Important (to me)
Routine: it should be warm and loving etc bedtime routine and makes DC feel secure- they like knowing what is coming next.
Add in lots of exciting discoveries, different things to see and do.

Having a few rules that are the bedrock of our family life:
Sleeping in their own beds - they were bed hogs and slept well from a young age - it was not negotiable.

Books -a world of excitement and discovery awaits, it doesn't matter if they read Classics or The Beano , they will never be bored.

Eating at the table, table manners- a life skill. Again not negotiable.

Everything you do as a parent will inform your DC- if you shout and yell, then don't be surprised if they do it back !

Insist from an early age that they are respectful to you and others, no hitting, rudeness. If your toddler is rude and disrespectful and you do nothing- god help you when you get to the teenage years.
Allow them to have tantrums-its normal, dont jump to stop them -be firm ,consistent and remember they are vital in their development( learning self awareness and control)

Allow them to be bored and have time to just be- no one needs a life completely mapped out for them day to day. They learn who they are and self reliance.

Im sure there are tons of other things but try to enjoy as much as you can!

I wish I had said yes instead of no more often when they were little.
We used to pass a park and they would always squeal "can we go to the park mummy?". Mostly I said no as I wanted to get home from wherever we had been. They stop asking to go to the park eventually. I should have said yes.

Agree with BackforGood about uni. I had dreaded the day he would go. Thought I would be a weeping wreck (not in front of him of course). In the end I was just thrilled at his achievement, his excitement and the fact that he was ready and able to stand do it.
Incidentally he can cook, clean and manage his money.
Forget the chores they just need to learn how to do stuff not to be made to do it regularly.

Luckily I wasn't driving when I took my son to university as I was in tears five minutes after leaving him. The important thing is that I didn't let him know. ( or not until several years later)

Let them 'help' around the house, teach them to tidy, let them help you cook something more than fairy cakes! Just talking to them, spending time with their interests, snotty cuddles and special times when they're poorly. Make them laugh. Cuddle them and remember that although you might not get cuddles back in their early teenage years you will later on

I just love this thread and it deserves to be in classics.
As a long time lurker it is like a breath of fresh air to have real common sense postings- so many people get bogged down in making mountains out of molehills!
BertieBotts is quite right, all the baby stuff of co sleeping, BLW etc matters not one jot. You do not need to fix irritating labels like 'consensual parenting' to what you do.
It isn't a crime to help your child fit in ( if they wish to fit in)
Your child only wants you as a parent, and 'good enough' is fine. Who on earth wants the 'perfect' mother? They must be hard to live with. It does no harm to know that mothers get tired, irritated, don't always use tact etc- you can apologise when you get it wrong.
They do as you do and never as you say. It is true that if you want a polite, friendly, kind child they need to see you doing the same, thanking others, thinking of others, helping others etc. If you want them to eat healthily and take exercise they need to see you doing the same.
Don't expect to live through your child. Try and relax, enjoy the stage and take the 'takes a village..........' approach.
Remember that the aim is to make yourself redundant! You need to to it gradually over a long period. If you do it well they always come back- because they enjoy your company and not through a sense of duty.
Them going to university is hard, but you have to embrace it as the next exciting stage - for you as well as them!
You can then turn into a mum like Roonerspism's mum -who is quite right!

"Oh and give me childbirth over the pain of sending them off to uni any day of any week."

Me too.

Obviously you feel all the other emotions of pride, joy, satisfaction......but the sheer misery I felt on the drive home was overwhelming. Leaving her with a smile was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Someone once said, after my DCs were grown, that your face should light up when you DC comes into the room.

Also, the DCs will do as you do not do as you say. ...so often hear 'Say Pleeeese!" when the parent hardly says it themselves.

My mum gave me some wise words the other day...

(I am heavily pregnant, have two young DCs and was feeling ill. The TV had been on 5 hours straight and I was feeling very guilty)

My mum breezily said "oh well, your kids are fed and watered and in the house with an adult who isn't drunk or high on drugs. What more do they need?"

It amused me no end :)

I agree with wordfactory - if you aren't abusive or neglectful, they will be fine however you do it. There is no right way, just your way.

I would also add the importance of your relationship with their other parent. They are learning to be a grown up and how to form relationships from you. They won't learn from what you say, but from what you actually do.

If you are polite, thoughtful and respectful to each other and take your equal share, that is how your children will see relationships working.

Never mind academic results, it is the quality of the relationships they form that will really dictate your adult child's future happiness.

DS is only six so I'm not that far ahead of you but this is what I wish I'd known.

Consistency about the boundary is more important than how you enforce it. You can be nice and patient one day and strict or shouty another but if the boundary is clear and never allowed to be crossed then they understand that much more quickly. It doesn't irreparably damage them if you shout.

Hygiene and tidiness as a habit/routine is important. Tooth brushing, bathing, cleaning up after themselves, helping out around the house. Easier to do it without thinking than to have to get past the thought.

Their personalities will develop despite nurture. Habits and values can be taught. It helps if you work with the personality to work on the habits and values :)

NONE of the baby stuff, routine, co sleeping, breastfeeding, weaning style, potty traning, etc matters. It just doesn't. They get places in their own time or with encouragement if you want it done quicker.

3-6 year old boys are insane. Literally insane. More energy than a litter of puppies, noisier than a band, obsessed with toilet humour and killing games, and in packs the silliness multiplies. Don't fight it, instead commiserate with the parents of your 3-6yo boy's friends and take it in turns to have playdates and pour each other gin. It gets better at around 6 but the behaviour continues when they are with their friends, until god knows when. When they discover girls probably

Also. Help them fit in. Don't make them be slaves to any weird foibles you have. Let them take a bag of crisps into school rather than a quinoa bake

SofiaAmes, I agree 100%. Whenever my instinct is that something isn't quite right with one of my kids, I have sensed the truth and everyone else has been wrong. I am sorry that you have had so much to cope with, and that other adults haven't always been supportive.

LetsFaceTheMusic, I'm sorry people are being so rude to you. I agree that letting go can be more painful than giving birth, and that you can feel that pain even while you are rejoicing in your children's independence. There is no contradiction in that: it is painful and joyful that children grow up and leave home, just as it is painful and joyful when they are born.

ashtray

I too think we can help them to fit in.

DD16 reminded me last week of advice I gave her years ago that has stayed with her. She had started at Brownies and was unhappy and thinking of leaving as nobody picked her for their groups. The next week I arrived early for pick up and peered around the corner. I saw a little girl who was frowning and folding her arms and looking very unapproachable. Over the next week we practised body language and smiling. At the next meeting DD2 smiled, looked people in the eye and didn't cross her arms. It had an immediate effect and she never looked back.

Great thread for those of us with young DCs....