Parents of older kids- looking back what was important and what wasn't?

...thanks Alpaca and Mehitable, will need to give it more thought - I'll be in my 50s by the time they're both at secondary school, though as you say many years to go before retirement if I make it

Important:
Puddle jumping
Making time to talk - this was usually in the car, driving 'half way' for her time at Dad's. Talk about anything and everything, question their views, explain your own - I now have a daughter who can hold her own in any conversation (she's 17)
Manners - to others and table
Mostly time - despite being a FT working mum, I always made time for us
Honesty - on both sides, as an adult admitting you're wrong, and also telling the truth (with explanations) helps your child do the same

Not so important
What everyone else thought about how I parented
Amount of 'treats' my daughter had, her diet was/is still good despite regular treats
Competitive schooling. I don't care what her grades are, what they could be - except for the grade for 'effort' - and even then, if there was a subject she really didn't like - it really didn't matter!
Money/things/activities - we were surrounded by families who had money, had stuff and paid for many, many activities. I suppose if I could have, I would have too, but I'm glad we didn't! Instead of paying for an activity for my daughter that she trotted off to, I had to make my own, we did stuff together (cheaply!) and it comes down to that 'time' thing again!!

Hmm. Looking back with mine grown and almost left home...

Almost everything that people post about on here is small stuff - don't sweat it ( ok I'm talking about mental health issues, drugs etc AF course thry are biggies) At the time what book band or who is invited to who's party seems huge. In the big picture it's a blink of an eye- all " normal" kids will learn to read- and if it's at 4 or 8 that they manage fluent Ronald Dahl doesn't really matter (I bet there are few 4yr olds who get the humour even if they can decide the words!).

What does matter? Family meals. Listening to them and taking note of what they say. Zero tolerance to bullying or being bullied. Being un shockable helps too.

And yep " because I say so " is ok!

I think extra curricular stuff is absolutely vital for skills maybe, but for the other things it teaches you even more - persistence, hard work, stick ability, resilience and learning to fail, dust yourself off and get going again. Mine did music but actually anything will give you that skill set - from chess to synchro swimming.

It also teaches you that school isn't everything. An alternative friendship group and an area to succeed in when school might be a bit tricksy.

Remember your job as a parent is a strange one. Basically you are setting them up with the skills that make you redundant. First school day... Going to uni... Etc bittersweet because you have done well and they are off to be amazing adults.

Iggi I worked very part time until the youngest was 11 and then picked up my career ( midwife).
I doubt I would be able to do that in the current financial climate/working conditions so I realise I am very fortunate.

I will never regret the time spent with my DC, nothing would ever compensate for the blissful days spent with them .
If you work part time surely you can ramp it back up when they are 11-12 ?
Lots of people will be working until 68 anyway so plenty of time !

Never over explain things, often a simple 'because I said so' is enough.

Offer lots of different foods, if they leave it they leave it. A healthy child will not starve, if they leave it on the plate so what, offer nothing else.

Dont compare to other kids in the class. Who cares what reading level little Tommy is on? When he is doing his GCSEs it will all be a distant memory.

Parties are not important. Most kids are happy to have a couple of friends over for tea, birthday cake and dvds, or go to Macdonalds.

It depends if you were career minded in the first place, Iggi. Only you can decide. I worked part time and didn't change once they left home- I had lots of other interests. I loved the freedom, I wouldn't want to give it up to work long hours. If you feel you would resent not getting on in a career then I would keep it going when they are young.
Whether you work or stay at home is another thing that doesn't matter when you look back. A happy mother is the main thing.

People can get sad when their dcs start school, leave school, go to Uni, get married - it's a bittersweet kind of thing. Normal emotions to feel.

I wish someone could tell me whether I'd regret more when they leave home if I've no career to then focus on, or if I'll regret more not staying part-time when they're young

Hi OP, my DSs are 22, 21, 19 and 16. I haven't time to read the whole 8 pages of this thread, but 2 things I did, which I think have stood them in good stead are:

1. Insisting on good manners. Many people, including complete strangers have told me how well-mannered my DC are and how they are a credit to me (would that they were all the time at home, but I guess I'd rather it were that way round!).
2. Not allowing them sweets or fizzy drinks in their early years. This started because DS1 went completely hyper after the least taste of anything like this, so I just didn't have them in the house. They all have lovely teeth with no fillings. Of course they do eat & drink this stuff now, but at least they're old enough to clean their teeth properly and regularly!

Many more things I wish I could have done, I just couldn't, because DS2's special needs took pretty much all my time and energy, but at least I'm glad I did those 2.

purple

aaww bless!
DS5 can talk and talk and it's hilarious and sweet. Typically I couldn't summarise his marathon stories, so I just listen and try to understand.
but even if I have to stop him I don't make him feel like he did something bad or stupid by expressing himself his way.

my dad died 4 years ago but I still feel resentful about things he said & did. with my mum we struggle on

I have to admit Zing I don't actually know what ds is on about most of the time. Only 1 word in 10 is actually a word sometimes, the rest is a sort of blurry copy of how a sentence might sound - a bit like things look without my glasses on (am short sighted) if that makes any sense?!

From my limited experience of older children and Minecraft, Pokemon, football, Bin Weevils, dinosaurs etc that's a state of affairs that's set to continue for a good few years yet

Purple

damn right.
I remember my parents brushing me aside when I was a kid. they weren't prepared to listen unless it fitted in about 2 mins of their time.
(cue countdown music)
it got increasingly hurtful, they would become rude if I was stretching out a story (coz I wanted the attention. so rude )
so when I was 14 and changed schools I found some good mates and new hobbies and I stopped talking to them. and I swore I'll never tell them anything important.

I'm 40 now and of course I'd tell my parents big things, but I have a crap relationship with my mum and she's almost akways the last one to be told about anything (even big things)

so I make a point of listening to my kids (and admit to pretend listening at times ) because I want to know what goes on and I want them to know I care and I'm interested.
and when I'm otherwise occupied or don't have time "right now" I always get back to them so it's seldom a case of "later turns into never".

top tip there.

Dd so isn't a morning personsigh

BackForGood: you are right, saying you were rude was too strong. I do feel that saying: "I felt nothing but pride" and "You shouldn't feel pain" to someone who was obviously feeling the wrench of a child just gone away to uni is a little bit harsh and unsympathetic. I thought she wrote with heartfelt eloquence, and people were telling her not to have the feelings she was having. Most people have mixed feelings when their children move away from home; it's not exactly hard to understand.

Also, I think she wrote in the spirit of this thread: remember that our children are only ours for a short time. Enjoy them and prepare yourself and them for the moment they take flight.

I have read every word written here and if every new mum followed these 'rules' they will bring up wonderful little people....BUT...I would like to add that even if you lose the plot and make (big) mistakes...if you have love, security and can talk, you can still get back on track and raise wonderful DCs...I was unwell for a while after the birth of DC3...I'm afraid DS1 got the brunt of my misery/anger/failings...but we have a lovely relationship now...Yes I bitterly regret some things, never was a perfect Mum..but must have done something right as all mine are well thought of, independent and lovely, lovely adults...OH and I must give my DH some credit too!...never undermine...if there is something that you don't agree on, talk privately...Never say bad things about them in front of the DCs...And enjoy your Children...they soon grow up...

Be positive, cheerful, and nice about life in general - and a lot of life will be positive, cheerful and nice back to you. Also, you're the master of your soul. Own your decisions, be the person you admire, and help the kids understand what sort of person to be, and then get them to self-regulate on whether they are being who they really want to be...

(i have no kids so am not really qualified to comment. But I have a lovely husband, and another lovely friend who both taught me all that, in my 30s. If my parents had known any of it, our lives could all have been very different indeed. If I have kids, it is what I will try my hardest to get across.)

What a beautiful thread. Ds is 2 so think I need to print this out as my parenting manual.

If you always keep the end goal in mind of ensuring your DC can do everything they need for themselves without stressing or getting overwhelmed I think you get there in the end - while remembering each DC is a different individual with a unique experience of the world and they won't do everything to the same timetable.

mrsjay if you feel you need to police sleep then that's fine IMVHO.

Whilst we strive to give our teens as much responsibility and independence as possible, they are not yet adults and some things still require intervention I think. After all they're teens and have not yet fully developed their ability to look at things objectively and in the long term

I don't want to derail such a lovely thread - we could discuss tears when your dc leave home on another thread if people want to, but had to reply to Claraschu. Nobody had been rude to LetsFaceThe Music. Having a different opinion from someone, or asking them to explain to us what they mean, is discussion in my book - what MN is all about, it is not 'being rude'.

As you were, everyone else.

Think I will save the thread for reference in the future years, lots of different advice to refer to, thankyou one and all!

I'm right in the thick too, with a 2yo. But I try to remember the saying that goes something like

"Listen to the small things when they're small so that they'll tell you the big things when they're big. To them, it's always been big things"

Most of what ds says is babble, with an increasing number of recognisable words mixed in. It doesn't cost me much to smile, nod and say "Oh, yes, really? Do you think so?" every so often :) I just hope it works now!

I've got four children, they're 25, 23, 8 and 2.75.

It's much harder work raising the youngest child. My eldest two were less screen obsessed, and I'm strict about screen time, and just played out a lot more. I really don't like dd (8) being out if my sight even whet she's riding her bike round our small, no car block. That's very different!

School is also very different. Lots more parent participation and many more requests for money for one thing and another.

I'm proud of the eldest two. They're doing very well despite some wobbles. They both have children, ds2's son has downs. That boy is a blessing to all of us, and I'm so proud of ds2 and dil.

If I could change one thing, it would be time. Less time worrying about housework, ironing etc and more family time. I'm lucky to have a second chance with my little ones and my precious grandchildren.

Made them take more responsibility for doing things round the house, I always done it all and now they complain if they have to help. They will probably live in pigstys when they grow up :(

I am still policing my 16yr olds sleep I know I shouldn't but she would be up all night on her bloody phone I did leave her do it when she went back to school in August god she ws a nightmare in the morning so school nights im in charge