Parents of older kids- looking back what was important and what wasn't?

"so I don't have a dog in this fight" That made me smile whatthese/ ithaka - I've not heard that before

Another thing to add - please don't fret about whether you work outside the home or not. I see these SAHM v WOHM bunfights & they make me so sad because in the grand scheme of things it really makes no difference.

I have stayed at home/worked from home/worked part time/worked full time at various points, so I don't have a dog in this fight.

But what I do know is that when children grow up, how happy they are and how well they get on with their parents has nothing to do with their mum's working arrangements. You get great teenagers in close knit families regardless of the parents' career choices.

So whether to work or not is up to you, but in terms of 'parenting' - don't sweat it

Reading back through the things they all have in common are love, security (or dependability), time, communication, flexibility, giving resilience to deal with disappointment and a sense of humour.

Food, screen time, routines etc are up to the individual -if you believe it it then generally it will work for you and are not important-as long as not too rigid or extreme. No two families will get exactly the same mix. e.g. mine loved rough play, I couldn't stand it so just left them to it-unless it went to far and someone looked as if they would get hurt.

Things that I would certainly do again:
Have a library ticket from babies and have regular visits
Lot of exercise outdoors whatever the weather and get dirty
Letting them go up scary climbing frames and keeping my fears to myself
Regular visits to the swimming pool
Healthy diet, but not worrying about the occasional junk food, sweets.
Insist on politeness and manners so that other adults and children like them.
Help them fit in, encourage friendships etc-have friends around.
Encourage them to have close relationships with grandparents,extended family, babysitters etc-without me around (from an early age)
Discuss everything and anything and encourage them to think for themselves and not follow the herd.
Have regular routines-e.g bath, teeth cleaning, story, bed.
See that Daddy can sew on buttons-bath a new born baby,clean bathrooms etc and mummy can quite easily put up a shelf, mow the lawn etc
Let them get bored and have to amuse themselves
Not step in to solve any problem-but know when to step in and help
Lots of cuddles and lots of laughs
Endless board games and card games, word games etc games in the car
Be unmoved by tantrums, sulking and only discuss it when they had come out of it. To be unmoved by 'everyone else's parents lets them..........'

The important thing is not to think this is the'right' way, when it was only the 'right way for me'.

Things that have turned out to be important or I wish I had done:
Reading every night from very very early
Really keeping sugar intake low and persisting with offering healthy varied balanced meals even in the face of opposition
Teaching sharing from about 2-3 yrs
Never tolerating hitting/rough play
Walking/cycling lots from very young
Tooth brushing
Cuddles (lots)
Paying lots of attention to their school work and being 'that mother' at the first sign of any issue. Same for friendship issues/bullying.
Allowing and encouraging them to be independent and helpful -packing their own bags, getting dressed themselves, helping clear away dinner, putting away washing etc.
Finding some space to maintain your relationship somehow, and for both of you to do a little of what you want /exercise.

Things that turned out to be unimportant:
Sleeping through the night
Bedsharing
Having an immaculate house
Not having enough bedrooms for children under 10 -they know no different, and enjoy sharing
Toys and 'stuff' in general
Tummy time (just hold them)
Self settling/feeding to sleep
What other people think

What a lovely thread. Marking my place so I can come back later and post - my DS is ten but I can remember vividly the challemges of looking after a baby/toddler.

It depends on the individual - best be true to yourself. I find shopping for food, thinking of meals, and cooking them everyday a chore- therefore I am not taking into consideration lots of different choices. I respected about 3 things they didn't like and didn't give it them. I made sure there was always something they could eat. Beyond that I lost interest - it was there, they ate it or they didn't- it was not my problem. As it is they praise my cooking as adults and eat most things. I didn't come across it without a bit of trial and error- the thing that worked was refusing to make it a battle or even worth a discussion. Similarly once they learnt to cook I ate what they produced.
It is much better as a parent to be yourself - warts and all!
I don't think I got them to do chores early enough. If you are happy to do it all for them - that is fine too.
Moderation in all things is generally the answer.

Looking back, I wish I'd responded earlier when there was en emotional/ social problem e.g low self esteem or the horrendous year DS1 had with a teacher.

I'm really glad that I didn't follow a parenting guide about routine / when toys/ bottle/ nappies should be given up, those stupid boys-don't-cry-rules social rules.

I wish I hadn't wasted time and energy on fighting about food but I am really glad I put the effort into teaching good manners.

Looking back at this thread I think I can see a pattern of differences between posters who still have young children and those whose DC are teenagers or adults.
Those who are hung up on mealtimes, chores, reading, screen time etc and those who look back and see how little those things matter in the long term.
Dancergirl you sum those things up nicely .

Another one about eating - you know that rule that a child has to try a food 10 times for it to be accepted? It's rubbish. Some foods my dc have liked straight away, others they could eat 100 times and they'd still hate them.

Chores - IMO people get too hung up on chores. Yes of course it's important to teach them how to do things as they get older and also they should learn that families muck in together BUT they're children and have their whole lives ahead to do adult chores. So not too much!

I think it is the security of knowing that you are always there for them. My eldest left home 15 yrs ago- he is back with his partner for a 3 week period between flats- there was no question of not having them and helping out.

Oh agree about elaborate systems for pocket money based on what you do about the house. In my opinion you should just do it because it's kind and considerate and that is it! I can't be bothered with the complicated systems

Agreeing about not having meal stress. Here I say that they have to try any new food that I cook but if they don't like it then I don't cook it again. If one DC has a favourite meal that another doesn't like then I make a point of cooking that meal on an evening when the one who dislikes it is on a sleepover or eating with friends.
If they don't eat their dinner then they can have something later if they are hungry - either reheat their dinner or have toast/fruit/soup/whatever they can find in the kitchen. If I don't eat my dinner I don't go to bed hungry so I can't see that it's reasonable to expect my DCs to do it.
I've never grounded them - I want home to be somewhere that they want to be rather than somewhere that they have to be. I try to be pretty relaxed about stuff, my 11 year old has been asked to tidy some stuff he's left in a mess in the lounge but he wants to do his homework instead. That's fair enough. They have their own jobs to do, mainly emptying the bins and as long as it's done when full and ready to go out on Monday morning I don't mind when they do it. Their rooms are their own responsibility - I don't go in them for dirty laundry, maybe I should, but they are old enough to use a laundry basket and if something isn't clean because it's on the bedroom floor then so be it.
Oh, and I hug them when they need it.

I was always struck by a school we looked at when eldest DC ( now in her 20s) was about 4. It had 2 rules ' be kind' and. 'don't run in the corridors'.

We never did rules, bedtimes, curfews, parental controls on PCs ( or much of what seems to be called 'parenting' really) and DCYs have always chosen their own schools (or to opt out of school), subjects to study, friends, clothes etc and so far that has worked out fine in the end.

I do wish I had somehow got them to realise that household tasks should be shared between all occupants of a house, while they were still living at home, not once they had moved out.

I think that if you want them to be kind and thoughtful you ought to establish that it extends to mother. It isn't fair to expect her to cook a different meal for you at the end of a busy day, just because you don't particularly fancy what is on offer. While I think spending time with individual children is great, they also need to know that mother needs time alone for hobbies, to read or just chill out- that mother has friends and may well go out to a book group, evening class etc. make sure they get used to babysitters early on so that you and DP can go out together, without them.
The thing to remember is that 18 yrs goes in a flash, looking back, and then you have decades (hopefully) with your DP and you have to still have him as the person you want to share your life with. Even if you are single it is much easier to get on with your life after children if you kept one going all those years.
That is all so much better for the children- there is nothing worse for a young adult than a needy parent where they feel responsible for their happiness.
Have a network of family, friends, neighbours etc early on and use it. ( obviously repay by helping them too!)

i dont know whether this will make yioyu feel better or worse but i had the best upbringing.yes there were every day family troubles but my parents were the best!!and it didnt save me from my problems or from getting a serious life threatening illness.but what happened then mattered,becasue they loved me,becasue i new i could alwwqys rely and trust in them i new id get through.so i think as long as your there for them.as long as they know love and get guided the best you can then thats all you can do.

I do however take the stress out of meals by having a take it or do without policy. I do not run a restaurant! Having said that I put it all in bowls to serve themselves and wouldn't serve something where they can't eat anything. Everyone is allowed 3 or 4 things they really can't eat. The other thing is to get them cooking as soon as they are old enough- and helping from a very young age.

It is a lovely thread- restores my faith in human nature!

Also agree meal/food stress is not worth it. That "let them go hungry " shit boils my piss

Dancergirl, I am nodding in agreement with everything you say.

This is a wonderful and very inspiring thread.
So glad to be a MN member.

Love them unconditionally
Make home their sanctuary
Don't judge them
Dont be all soppy and sentimental at 2am!

Great thread. Thanks...

Thought of another one - let THEM decide when they are too old for bedtime stories, being tucked in and things like that. Never get rid of toys until they are WELL past being played with.

I disagree with the one meal thing. I sometimes do a variation of the food, I would rather my kids eat than go hungry because of some stupid rule.

Remember that LOTS of kids are fussy eaters but most adults aren't. Children get more adventurous with food as they get older.

Primary school - take your dc and pick them up as much as you can. My youngest is 7 and I love feeling her little warm hand in mine as we walk to the gate and the kiss goodbye. Similarly try and attend school plays, sports days etc. When they're little they look out for you.

If you have more than one child, spend time with each one individually on a regular basis. I have NO evening to myself one as I spend 20 mins or so with each dc sometimes up to 10pm. But they need that time alone with you.

Treasure family time. Watch movies together with pizza, cuddle up on the sofa.

Don't compare your dc with their siblings. They are different with different strengths and weaknesses. Let them know they don't have to be perfect and they are lovely as they are.

We have virtually had to families as 3 children within 4 years, then a 10 year gap and 2 more so lots of experience. I don't regret anything we did. I think it really worked well to take about 2 weeks off and go back full time for us both so I would not change that.

I think we may be had not realised how easy it would be to replace nannies - we kept the first for ten years which was not a bad thing but she was not perfect.

With the last I am very laid back. It's easy. You realise they are often born not made so don't sweat the small stuff. Be calm. Praise 4x more than you criticise.

Most of all they mirror your mood so if you're happy they will tend to be. Don't shout. Don't fuss. Be silent more. Say less. Observe. I have learned a lot more from the children than they have learned from me and it has been a privilege to have them all.

Agree with admitting you are wrong. Children like to know you are not Gods. Acknowledge their view may be better than yours.

I have never done punishments, time out and the like and would never smack a child and they have turned out really well so that probably shows that relationship of trust works well.

Most of all be humble in the face of your children rather than God.

I second

• giving them one family home made meal and not offering alternatives

• having lots of fun

• reading to them. Getting them totally hooked on books. Find out which books they get the most joy from

• spend one to one time, make your kids feel treasured