Parents of older kids- looking back what was important and what wasn't?

Mine aren't that old yet but I think these are important:

Talking to adults, being polite, being able to form opinions about things and being able to defend them. This really just means you have to talk to them and listen to them a lot!

Learning how to make conversations with people you don't know more generally: e.g. by asking questions, listening to the answers, and following up on them.

Planning and organising. It's so helpful through life to be organised, so get them started with good routines about doing homework at certain times, getting everything ready for next day, planning longer assignments in stages, planning revision for tests. My 12 yo is struggling a bit with this, but I want to help him get things organised so when he goes to university he feels on top of things.

Positive thinking. Ask them to tell you at the end of the day what their highlights were and what they are grateful for. Tell them yours. Doing this every day is life changing.

Doing some kind of sport or exercise every single day if you're not actually ill.

How to cook 10 different things (proper meals not cupcakes or whatever). I am working on this.

Not lying. Insist on honesty and try not to blow up at them when they are honest!

Being kind. Point out examples, make suggestions, explain why.

And I also have invested quite a lot of time and money in things like swimming lessons so they can do the strokes properly (my mum always regretted not being able to!), tennis club so they will always be able to play. Things like that to give them a boost when they are teens and older. But it depends on your financial resources and their inclinations.

Why does she need to give up her dummy Emerald id leave till she is more manageable and stopped teething dont get into a war about it one of mine had a dummy one didn't the didn't one had a sooky blanket till she was 8 the dummy was gone quicker b

We don't have room for a table our kitchen is tiny we had plastic table in the living room for dds when they were wee we now eat together on the couch eating we chat laugh argue watch tv it doesn't matter imo

Emerald pizza in front of Peppa Pig is not a failure, in the slightest. That was a good thing that happened in your day! And, please try and remember, that some of those perfect eating other kids probably gave their parents Hell this evening as they had a completely normal toddler meltdown, from just that heady combination of too much excitement and tiredness. Not one person on this planet has the perfect child because they just don't exist!

Dd1 used to eat sausage,chips ,mashed, potatoes, chicken nuggets spag bol and chicken for about 7 years now she is a grown up she eats almost anything except cheese sauce or fish it was a fecking nightmare and when the y are small you just worry so much then one day I just stopped fussing over her and her eating gradually got better, if I had left it she probably would have gotten over it quicker you live and learn

Oh and I was the worlds fussiest eater as a child and now I eat everything.

Had a dummy too till nearly 7

emerald in about 25 years time there will be a post on MN about happy childhood memories. Your dd will post about eating pizza in front of Peppa Pig when she was little like all the things we're nostalgic about as adults

20 months is hard, hard work. You're doing a great job.

It isn't all sweetness and light at the time, Itsfab- don't be too hard on yourself. Sometimes it helps just to go to another room, grit your teeth, count to ten, go back smile and think of something positive to say.

They aren't really spoilt with stuff as we are a lot skinter than we used to be but they don't help anywhere as much as they should. I looked at the massive pile of clothes I washed today and could cry. WTF can they not wear some things twice?! I am feeling unappreciated and taken for granted and it is pissing me off.

Tomorrow I have to leave the house at 7. DH will have to make DS2's packed lunch, (though I think he thinks I will make it before I go), make sure he has his drink, bait and that DD and DS1 have everything. I suspect something will go wrong and hopefully I will be appreciated but I doubt it very much.

Thanks for starting this thread OP though it is making me sob.

I have a very hard-work 20m old DD and I am ALWAYS doubting that I am doing 'it' right.

She has the most terrible meltdowns at the moment, an awful, awful one this evening before bed, she has become such a fussy eater and I CANNOT get her to give up her dummy and after a w/e this w/e of lots of socialising with other chidlren, all of whom seem to be chilled-out, confident, non-dummy-using perfect eaters :) I have felt like the most crap mother in the world. Especially when DD was so tired tonight that I gave her pizza in front of Peppa Pig for tea because I just couldn't face another supper-time battle.

She is teething now so clingy to the point where she screams if I try to put her down, sometimes, while I am doing stuff in the kitchen, so I sometimes just lug her around with me, a heavy toddler!!

I am really pretty worn down by it all at the moment.

BUT... this thread has given me a glimmer of hope - because at least I cuddle her, spend time with her and tell her that I love her, all of which seem to be the most important things according to the wisdom of MN!!

Hey mine are spoiled rotten not with stuff but they would sit and let me serve them if I let them get away with it I make dinners to suit them still its not all sweetness and light in my house but they are decent kids at the end of it we all do our best or try to get through the day

Thank you Mehitabel6, PurplePidjin, and Mrsjayy. I am feeling really low today and it hits home when everyone else seems so together and knows what to do. I just need a break and it isn't happening. I have done too much for my kids and they are spoilt and lazy at times and I cook so many different things that DS1 has actually complained when they got the same/similar dinner twice in one week. Don't know what to do about either things. They are at school all day so I should do the house and I love cooking but it is wasted and unappreciated.

I wish I could start again with this parenting lark.

itsfab please don't feel inadequate you did what you had to do for your kids

Mine are 18 and 16.
I agree with a great deal of what has been said in this thread so won't repeat many good things but would just add a few more:

Food: I am a rubbish cook and not that interested in food. very often the children's meals would be sort of picnics, or same boring old thing again and again. and guess what? they are completely normal, eat most things, and oldest actually likes cooking. result! So don't worry what you give them: for me the key is that, from the earliest possible age, they sit on a chair for the whole meal, and they join in conversations. No escape. And now, no phones ever at the table. Even if we are just having a cup of tea.

Talking to adults: one of the posters said this above and I completely concur: the nicest children talk sensibly to adults. Mine always had to come and say hello to visitors; they handed round at parties etc from an early age. Hiding in bedrooms was not an option.

Which brings me on to bedrooms: if you have room , and I know lots of people don't, don't make the bedrooms the play room. Get the children out playing near you; keep an eye; no tvs in bedrooms; no shut or locked bed room doors when they are little; limit screen time at bed times; keep the screens as public as possible.

Here's another thing: it's in your interest to make birthdays etc happen on the day that suits you. I have learned this from bitter experience of DD2 being in hospital a very great deal over the years - over her and her sister's birthdays, Christmas and so on. The important thing is to celebrate these occasions properly and it does not matter one jot if it is not on the "actual" day.

And finally - all those things you worry about when they are tiny, really don't matter at all in the end. What matters is you find a way to like and enjoy being with your children - then, with a fair wind, they will like and enjoy being with you.

I am not sure I have done anything right other than getting treatments for their physical problems

That takes priority. When one of mine had medical problems that had to come first -and the others had to come second. You can only do your best in the circumstances, as Purple says.

ItsFab I think this thread is mostly from the majority point of view, of dealing with NT dc. You've got bigger battles to fight.

I think the overriding piece of advice I'll be taking from this thread is do the best you can in the circumstances you face

Swimming was the one activity that was non negotiable with me-an essential life skill that might save their life one day.
It shouldn't make you feel inadequate ItsFab -you can see your mistakes and that is half the battle-we all make them! The dangerous parent is the one who can't see they are making a mistake. When you make one apologise and move on.

I haven't read all of this but I think I qualify with my 4 who are all almost 11, 13, 15 and 17 (11 years old tomorrow then one each in age from youngest to oldest each month)

Table manners generally knowing they are learning how to behave around people (saying please and thank you)
I am happy I persevered with this. Now my children gets invites they always get them repeated and I am told how polite they are. This makes me feel we did the right thing with insisting on this.

Worrying about how messy the house was and feeling I had failed them because of it. Waste of my time to worry about it. They all pitch in now.

Just thought of another - I think it's really important they learn to swim. Dd2 had huge problems with swimming, she was terrified of the water and has dyspraxia which made things harder.

At huge expense I paid for private lessons with a massively patient teacher. Most weeks dd would come out of the lesson in a mood/strop, said she couldn't/wouldn't do it etc. I really wanted to give up but I didn't and the teacher was very positive and encouraging. It took a year but eventually dd got it. And when I look at her now, swimming confidently, jumping in, doing handstands in the water etc I am SO pleased I persevered and even she admits that too!

This is a great thread in many ways but it also makes me feel so inadequate to be a parent of three and points out my many mistakes. I am not sure I have done anything right other than getting treatments for their physical problems.

On the other hand I am better than my mother was .

Mine are 25, 21 and 12. Agree with all about the small stuff. I am a very hands off parent but the few things I insisted on were
Good manners - always
Always letting us know if they were running late, even by 5 minutes
Take every opportunity to be kind - and there is always an opportunity
Welcome and learn about other cultures
Don't judge.

From the parent point of view, always, always , always keep the communication channel open, even with the most contrary, arsiest teenager.whatever they do,look like, say ....they need to know you are always, always there!

Important. Spending time together as a family including grandparents, understanding that at times you can't stand the sight of each other but you all have each other's backs.
Forgiveness no matter what

Not important. The arguements over homework etc. why? Let them face the consequences of not doing at school. Don't worry about the little stuff

I see these SAHM v WOHM bunfights & they make me so sad because in the grand scheme of things it really makes no difference

No difference whatsoever! Same as type of birth, co sleeping, breastfeeding/bottle feeding and other issues people get so caught up on-they really don't matter.

Me too BTW. No dog