Parents of older kids- looking back what was important and what wasn't?

Things I think I do right:
Make DS laugh as much as possible

Things I think I do wrong:
Loads

But it's all a learning curve and tomorrow will be a better day

Things I'm glad I did: provided consistency, security and love.
Things I wish I'd done more: Let my hair down, relax and laugh

If I have any more (which I won't be) I would most definitely wean later rather than sooner, do more baby led type weaning and start them off on veggies only. And avoid the fruit pouches at all costs!!!

Mine are 4 and 2. My youngest was prem by 3 months. So he was weaned developmentally very early. Which meant he was on the moshy baby food for longer. And I was lazier with him and did more ella's kitchen rather than homemade food. My HV warned me that babies weaned sooner seem to be fussier eaters. I didn't believe her. But she was right!!!

What's important; manners - tables manners and saying please and thank you.
Loving them and being kind to them, so they grow up knowing how to love and being kind to others. You are raising your grandchildren's parents.

It really doesn't matter; who walks first/talks first/has the highest level reading book/ is in the top science set. Not all daffodils boom on the same day. Although if someone had told me this 15 years ago I would have thought it was nonsense

Sometimes I feel I spend so long do reading spelling times tables supervising homework making meals cleaning etctc

That sometimes I just want to forget all about it and just enjoy them more

Very good thread full of good ideas

To do list :
Love them
Look after them

Not to do list :
Worry about tidy houses, boob v bottle feeding, co-sleeping/not, working or stay at home mums, dummies, potty training, eating pizza, watching Peppa Pig 1000000 times, if they try vodka or a ciggy at a party when they are teenagers, what GSCE's they choose, how many pairs of socks have been left on the floor for a week, etc etc.

Marylou62 thank you for your post. I'm still recovering from the difficult birth of DD2 (and will be for quite some time) and find it so difficult to stay patient with my toddler DD1, particularly when I'm in pain. I feel dreadful if I've been harsh with her so it's reassuring to know I'm not the only one.

sugar I think of it more of a steep vertical cliff than a curve

On Children by Kahlil Gibran (from The Prophet)

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

www.katsandogz.com/onchildren.html

Never judge your own parenting by what your friends tell you. 99% of the time they're bullshitting. You do what feels right for you. Your baby won't be aged 16 and still in nappies or with a dummy.

Gosh this thread is brilliant - I can't add anything, my kids are only 7, 5 & 3 and I am still on the steep learning curve, but I would like to print this entire thread & pin to my fridge 'in times of need'

So far?
one thing I think I have done right (although in teen years it may come back to bite me) is decide that I am the Captain of this ship , and I am not afraid to say No.
I decide how much screen time, I decide bedtime, I have the right to withhold pud if greens are not eaten. There have been tantrums along the way, but I do now actually feel like I am the one in charge, and so does ds, I think.
I was chatting to a friend the other day, and she was bemoaning hers son's behaviour, and said it was exacerbated by too many video games. I suggested if he can't stick to agreed times she should take the device off him, at which there was a list of reasons she can't do that . Reading between the lines I felt like she just didn't want to stand up to her son, and say "no".

I would also say it's a really good idea to get them outside, in all weathers. Children are hardy, and shouldn't be treated like delicate flowers. They need to run free in parks and field, climb stuff, swing on stuff, go a bit wild.
Things that don't matter?
Mud. It can be cleaned up.
Baby ballet/music class/yoga.
Watching ITV .(It won't turn them into monsters)
Phonics.
Being left to be bored sometimes.
You don't have to bake with them it's not the law.
You don't have to stay for the singing at playgroups. The number of times I sat there like a knob doing the actions to Row Your Boat while ds sat oblivious.
Finally, don't take things personally. Children can be awful to you. They are not grateful about all the sleepless nights, all the times you have been vomited on (why do they always come right at you just when they about to spew?), they don't understand about the sacrifice you made of you never to be promotion. And nor should they.
They just need to know you love them, you never resent them (hard sometimes) and they are safe with you.
Hopefully in time they will appreciate you. Maybe not until their own child is covering them in Ribena coloured sick .

Squirels, by the way I love the idea of your son not wanting his blanky to go in the bin!! I'm still embarrassingly attached to a couple of my childhood cuddly toys so I understand that :)

thanks dancer and squirrel!!
tbh DD was such a 'sucky' baby that if we hadn't given her the dummy in the first place she'd have been a thumb sucker which (in my sister's case) had a definite teeth-sticking-out effect...
Honestly it is so helpful to get this advice on here, I seem to be surrounded by dummy haters and you're quite right, it is desperately unfair on a tiny one to take away something you gave them in the first place for security!!

Bumpasdaisie, thank you!!
I have been trying to remind myself of some advice from DH's godmother who apparently once told Dh's mum (when she was worrying, decades ago, about some toddler habit he just wouldn't break) 'well, if his wife doesn't mind it when he gets married, I wouldn't worry!" It's a pretty good way to articulate that all these things parents of toddlers/small children get themselves in a pickle about... most of them pass by in the right time without too much intervention (she says, hopefully!!)

20 months IS a hard age, thank you for agreeing!! (though I think all the ages are hard, and wonderful, in their own way) But this seems a really tough point at the moment, she is not yet verbal enough to express herself in terms of emotions and tbh I don't think she is even sure of what her emotions ARE just yet, especially when she is tired. She can be literally laughing one moment and screaming a split second later. She loves games and playing but can suddenly get terribly, terribly upset if you do the 'wrong' thing (by her constantly-changing rules)... the unreasaonable ness knows no bounds!

But I was in the park with her the other morning, it was a gorgeous sunny autumn day and she was getting all excited about kicking the leaves and playing 'I'm the king of the castle' by standing on a large log, and I had one of those lovely mindful moments that are hard to come by in the rush of the day. I just thought, we won't be able to do this on a quiet weekday this time next autumn, she will be at nursery by then and maybe I might even have another baby (thinking about it...) and so what an amazing treat it is for me to be here with her today, just enjoying an empty park and a pile of leaves.

Made the rest of the day (which was hellish) worthwhile :)

The thing with dummies.....WE give them to our dc in the first place to comfort them. So it's really confusing for them for someone to say right that's it, you're too old for a dummy. Let them have that security as you say emerald until THEY feel they have outgrown it. Not just with dummies but I think a lot can be gained by letting your child take the lead in terms of what they're ready or not ready to do.

You'll always get people who say dummies make teeth stick out. Well bugger that. IF it happens (and I'm not convinced it does) there are fantastic orthodontics available to deal with it at a later stage.

You sound like a lovely mummy, don't be hard on yourself and remember your little girl will stop having tantrums one day and become lovely company

Emeraldgirl2 None of our teenagers still use a dummy or a security blanket. Let them go gently when DD is much older. She needs them now (and so do you) and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
I was recently clearing out a blanket box and came across DS2's Blanky. I had to reassure him it wasn't going in the bin. He's 16.

Emerald ... just wanted to say, 20 months is a HARD age, do what you need to do!

I wouldn't dream of trying to get her to give up the dummy! FWIW my son has just turned three and after Xmas we will get him to give up his dummy. They are so much more rational at this age - he can understand what we are talking about and we can do a deal with him about it (he gets a new police car and gives up the dummies!)

My daughter gave hers up in the same way at just over three. All fine.

We all feel like rubbish parents sometimes when we have toddlers. Its the nature of the beast, they are very very adorable but VERY VERY hard work. But remember you will be your DDs mummy till you die - these tricky years from 18mth to 3 are just a tiny part of the whole picture.

Its esp hard with your first toddler as you haven't had the experience to see that they do come out the other side and it gets easier and much more fun. But I promise you it does!

I said on another thread that parents are bombarded with so much information these days no wonder their heads spin glad I didn't have it when mine were babies

Thank you lovely MNers (and sorry, OP, for temporarily hi-jacking your thread!!) was v lovely to read these this morning though they were so nice they made me a bit teary-eyed

I agree with PP saying that things are harder in these days of the internet and with such a general sense of competition over everything (though maybe that's a London thing?) It certainly didn't seem to be that way where I grew up (in the middle of nowhere) in the 70s, but my mum may remember differently. My MIL has certainly said that things seem very different now than when she was bringing up her kids in London in the late 70s - it's weird that despite all the labour-saving devices, disposable nappies, myriad toys, wall-to-wall kids TV on all day... things are harder. But I think they probably are.

Anyway thanks again for lovely posts about pizza/Peppa pig night, and about the dummy, I am constantly beating myself up about that one as none of my friends' kids seem to have used them since the age of about 8/9 months and I feel a bit judged sometimes - made worse by the fact that DD's most precious cuddly toy, and her security object, is a cuddly bunny that can attach dummies to the paws... she'd NEVER have slept through the night if we hadn't got him months ago but now she loves him with a fierce passion so taking away her dummy would also be like taking away her lovey/security blanket, which I'm sure most parents would feel awful about doing to a tiny toddler. And yes, it gets us through the day!!! DD is a super-histrionic type at the moment, worst teething that anyone else in my extended family has ever seen (she is MISERABLE with it and the back molars are hell) so I guess I should just not worry about doing what I can to get through!

DH does occasionally remind me that we will look back on this and laugh when she is older (and sob when she is leaving home, more like) but it can be very very hard to remember that when you are caught up in the stresses and difficulties of parenting a strong-willed toddler (and wonderful moments too, of course)

So thanks again for the thread! Will read through the whole thing when I get a chance as there really does seem to be some invaluable advice on here.

Emeraldgirl2 Those of us with adult children and teenagers, well, we all had days like those.

It's tiring and stressful. You do what gets you through the day.
Actually I think I am glad there was no internet then, no MN full of people telling me the right way to do things or I would have felt a failure when my toddler was purple and screaming and stamping his feet for hours. He's a delightful, charming, kind, gentle giant of a 16 year old now.

Cleaning the teeth. Within a year of DD turning 18 and being under her own recognisance, she had her first filling.

Emerald she's just a baby. Don't worry about the dummy. Just do what you have to do to get through the days!

Emerald you could have described my DCs like that but 17, 15 and 12 years later they are doing ok. Don't beat yourself up. We've all done pizza in front of the TV.