Parents of older kids- looking back what was important and what wasn't?

"Family dynamics/priorities, yes, were the cause of the problems."

Wow- is there a Nobel prize for psychiatry? If there is, the psychiatrist who is able to determine so precisely the cause of mental health issues should certainly get it. He or she is a unique genius.

Family dynamics/priorities, yes, were the cause of the problems.

"finding just one thing you excel at"

I've heard this from other parents too over the years, often thgey are referring to a sport or a musical instrument. It doesn't feel right though - some people aren't excellent at anything. They can just be normal or good all-rounders.

Bonsoir so the professionals involved actually placed the cause of these MH disorders at the feet of your friends' parenting?

TheWordFactory - because their parents tell us!

Things that don't matter:Temper tantrums,fussy eating,fighting siblings( unless serious injury),weaning,educational ability in primary school,geekishness,popularity.

Things that do matter: Manners,conversational ability,healthy diet,exposure to lots of different sports and music lessons,reading,regular homework or time set aside to learn,learning to work as part of a team,finding just one thing you excel at,confidence,cleanliness.

     Just remember all kids go through rotten phases - even the best behaved ones.Its important to remember that they will come out the other side fine.Difficult babies grow up to be easy teenagers and easy babies are often horrible when older.(  4 kids from 8-15)

I always thought that parenting is more like shepherding than steering. You just had to keep them moving forward generally, and give them a nudge when they started to stray. Obviously its vital that they feel loved and you take care of their emotional and physical needs.

This is why you get siblings, rather than clones.

IMHO these early parenting books are far too prescriptive (and pose a real danger to the parent-child relationship).

Cooki
I weaned DS1 quite early in line with the guidelines at the time using purees and baby rice and there are very few things that he won't eat. DS2 was weaned later as he is 4 years younger and the rules had changed (again) and he is probably a bit more picky than DS1.

bonsoir how can you possibly know what has caused the MH problems of these young people?

Funnyperson I've just made a copy of your post, lovely words

Mine now 20 and 22
What I'm glad we did: had a (flexible) routine with them when they were little, including story reading every night; lots of snuggling - including DS getting into our bed until he was ?12. Still loves a good snuggle now at 22; dragging them around museums, churches and galleries, despite whingeing, as they now appreciate culture; going out for dinner together on Friday, even just fish and chips, ever since they were babies; moving the family to a different country (where DC now study and live) and giving them another language and home, and a wider world view; keeping them close to aunts, cousins, grandparents; not sweating the small stuff or getting involved in school/friends issues.
What I wish we'd done: more sporty stuff together (DS bit of a slob); bought less crap and faddy stuff - in fact fewer toys/gadgets all together. 90% of it isn't valued and ends up getting thrown out; just hung around with them when they were little, playing on the floor, instead of ironing, cleaning etc.
It's a cliche, but they really do grow up so quickly, and the stuff that matters is not always clear at the time.
Btw, I do believe that food matters. When DC are small you have 100% control over what goes into their mouths, and so can influence their taste develops. It's obvious that children in different cultures develop different preferences, and that they inherit (socially) many of their parents' habits. My DC were, and are still, very different eaters - DD would have lived on white food (chicken, pots, bread), if we'd given it to her whereas DS ate mussels and blue cheese. I didn't make food an enemy, just exposed them to variety, never bought biscuits & cakes, had 'Saturday sweeties' as a weekly treat. As grown ups, they will eat absolutely anything, and have a really good attitude to food, are both slim and healthy (DS could move more) which I believe is really important for their whole lives.

Dh parents - fearful, left school at 16, socially unconfident, hopeless with people always putting foot in it etc

Dh academic (Cambridge) very socially confident, probably the most thoughtful careful with people person I've ever met. Often the children are who they are whatever the parents are like / do

I agree that their personalities come out despite what we do.
The other astonishing thing is,that having seen a lot of children grow from babies to adults, you get a lot of surprises as they do not turn out as you imagine (or their parents imagined).

I think GoblinMarket that it was because you were simple more experienced and relaxed with your second batch of children, rather than what you did.

The food really isn't important. MIL is very, very conservative in what she eats and produced very narrow meals based on it. She has 2 sons who eat absolutely anything, have a great interest in food and are good cooks.

MH issues are complex and not often purely environmental - the families you know may have a history you are uaware of, MH is often covered up in families, especially the older generation, but there is usually a strong genetic element.

I am back to say please stop worrying about food, everyone. You are giving it far too much status - it seems to be a totem of parenting when it is really just fuel.

And to agree with Wordfactory again - the difference in siblings when you have parented the same astonishes me. Sometimes I think their personalities will come out almost despite, rather than because, of anything we do.

I find the fact that your child has a strong individual identity that will emerge regardless (assuming no neglect & abuse) very freeing. And it is true.

You really can afford just to love and enjoy them - they will be who they will be - real, wonderful, interesting, flawed people.

Siblings being very different to one another isn't quite the same as things going wrong though. Very sadly, we know some families where all the DC are different from one another and have had major MH issues. And those MH issues are not coincidental at all, but rather a consequence of parental priorities.

What funny person said plus when they are small buy a mini inflatable bouncy castle. We asked both gps to buy for dd1 3rd birthday. Cost £60 plugs in and inflates. Ours fitted in the house. Hours and hours of fun you can then pass on to younger nieces and nephews

I think quite often when something goes right or wrong with a child, the parent looks for a reason, thinking it's connected to something they did or didn't do.

But all us parents of multiples will tell you that you can raise the same two or three babies in much the same way, at the same time and they will still turn out very different!

It's a very freeing thought

cuddles, love, warmth, regular meals, sleep, good hygiene, taking life slowly and lots of play and children's books and feeding the ducks/cycling in the park. Not too much time with granny, its ok to enjoy one's own children and do the fun bits as a mother. This includes familiarity with spongebob squarepants, childrens puppet shows etc
fairy dust, laughter, music, the library, tumbletots, the seaside.

when older, going to parties with card, present ready and arriving on time
music, swimming, tennis
regular meals together, sleep, family gatherings, long walks, talking loads, the zoo, talking about kindness and right and wrong and lots of love and making the effort to have other children round to play. Going to parents evenings looking smart. Going to all the school stuff. more seaside.

when even older, making brilliant family meals, keeping an eye and an interest in homework, celebrating their birthdays properly, seeing grandparents and cousins, expressing lots of love and praise and pride but not letting school work slip but also making sure there is famlly time at the weekend for everyone

gcse year: not worrying about the frantic socialisation. chauffering at night even when tired. keeping an eye on who the real and virtual friends are. at Christmas making sure all subjects are filed in folders. christmas even more important for this age group, so making sure family and friends are invited and charades/monopoly/scrabble/jenga/ just a minute etc are played. Not getting upset when told occasionally what an uncool mother one is (this is inevitable) and how different they are going to be as this simply indicates they are developing wings. Hooray! Not saying how well so and so's children are doing. Giving them solid ground of high self worth to stand on even if we are not wealthy. Helping them find their best self, not one's own dreams. Adventure holidays.

I did exactly the same combo of bfing/weaning with 3 sons.

Now ds1 will eat anything with enthusiasm except aubergine; ds2 eats only mashed potato, rice, plain pasta, bread, porridge, cornflakes, boiled eggs, green beans and fruit; ds3 eats an eclectic mix of things but is easily revolted by texture. They are not little.

So I think it has nothing to do with you. My only rules on this score are: always to offer vegetables so they think eating vegetables is normal: give ds2 eggs for breakfast in case he never eats any other protein: don't buy any processed food - cook instead; everybody drinks water.

If they become fussy adults that's their problem

i did junk for the first batch of children - second batch no junk and eat ANYTHING and relish it

Hesterton - lovely

We have had a couple of batches of children - first had screens second don't. I feel the second are a more contented bunch... I KNOW them better as children. I devote myself to them more - yes- and that is not without moaning on my part ...but i don't play with them so much as they are just near me

My advice would be 'enjoy' as the cliches are true - ditch screens and get out doors x

The weaning really, really, doesn't matter. Nothing you do will stop them being fussy eaters if they are going to be fussy eaters. I did the same with 2 children, one always ate everything and would try anything new, the other was very fussy. Whether you give them purée, do BLW or a mix makes not one iota of difference! Don't worry about it.

Thanks Roonerspism.

Maybe I just did something really bad in a past life then! Because my little bugger angel will go days without eating a proper meal. I'm going down the "don't fuss and don't give out alternatives" route.

or more likely this is karma for doing exactly the same thing when I was a child and worrying my mother sick

cooki I wouldn't beat yourself up! I weaned early, didnt do BLW and there were purées ahoy.

Mine are brilliant little eaters (similar age).

One of my tips is actually not to get too hung up on the whole weaning thing.