Parents of older kids- looking back what was important and what wasn't?

Teenagers DM here I would say be consistent, doesn't matter what it is:
boundaries
no
behaviour
Manners especially
if they are asked and agree to do something
If you need them to do something important (stopping running onto a road to certain chores etc)
love
attention
time
timing
reactions
apologising - when you get it wrong (we all do on some level at some point) be consistent and apologise.

Declare your position, mean it and be consistent.

Important

Love. Tell them you love them every day. Mean it.
Time. Spend as much of it with them as you can.
Routine. Children like routine, it makes them feel secure.
Boundaries. See 'Routine'.
Manners. Please teach them. And with Manners goes
Kindness. Teach your child to be kind and respectful, but not at their own expense. It's ok for them to say 'No'.
Fun. Have lots of it.

Not Quite as Important

Pets. Let your child grow up with a pet. It teaches them kindness, empathy, and responsibility. Make sure you supervise, even if the pet belongs to your child, it is still ultimately your responsibility. Set a good example, and look after it as well as you possibly can.
Cleanliness. Keep the house and your child clean. But don't forget that getting dirty is fun. "It all comes out in the wash" is our mantra.
Healthy Eating. OK, so it is important, but then again food is one of life's pleasures. Don't ban certain food stuffs, or sweets. Everything is fine in moderation.
Family Traditions. Make them, carry them on, this is the stuff that memories are made of.
Books. Have lots of them. Read them together, a love of books is a wonderful thing.

Not Important

Money. Whoever said a small child is like a cat, and prefers the box was right. Let them use their imagination.

The things that were most important (to me and mine) were getting them outside; having friends who also valued a more outdoorsy life; taking pride in what I gave them to eat; encouraging them to take up sports and sharing my love of reading with them.

I also think that showing them DH and my work ethic is very important.

And having lots of fun with them!

Mine are teens.
Lots of good advice on here already.
If I had to pick one thing I really think I got right, it was always insisting on family meals together each night. It's always been a chance to 'touch base' and actually converse with each other.
OK, another is to find time to be alone with each child - might only be the fact that you take and fetch them from a particular hobby, or might be that you go in and have a chat before bed, but make that special time when they can talk and listen with out their siblings being there too.

Don't get into 'one up manship' with other parents.
Ohhh.. Suzie walked at 6 months, was potty trained at 3 months, was reading novels at 1 year old. Most of it's crap.
Seriously, just don't listen to it.
They all progress at their own pace and they are get there eventually.
You don't see adults unable to walk very well because they did it a year later than their friend etc....

Pick you battles. Best advice ever. If it's something small then don't make a big deal out of it.
'I don't wanna read that book ! Well don't then!

My DD was an awful early teen. Just really bad. I read a book and things improved no end. I did have to learn to 'divert' conversations.
If she was getting wound up talking about something and getting angry, I'd just change the subject to something positive. i.e. shall we have a movie tonight and popcorn. Are you going out with friends later? Shall we play games tonight, etc....
I still do it and it works a treat.

Make the most of the younger years. They are gone before you know it.

What everyone else has said.

As a teacher I would say consstency is key. Where we had problem teens it was because there were inconsistencies in the parenting going back years. What you do when they are toddlers will embedd in them. If No was said but never meant, it's not going to work when they are 14 and being challenging.

I have older teenagers
Important
Lots of hugs and affection. Tell them you love them even when they are 6'2" teenagers.
Encourage tolerance of those who are different, good manners and being kind to others.
Enjoy their company.
Family traditions.
Admit you are wrong
Don't make idle threats. One warning and then a consequence. Withdrawal of privilege. Make sure the day includes lots of treats and privileges so you can take some away. This sounds mean but it works when they are having a bad day.
Listen to them and don't always react. They will tell you stuff that makes you when they get older but will clam up if they can't trust you.

Not Important
Chores. Really, only on MN is such a fuss made about chores. Let them learn how to do stuff but don't make a big deal out of it.
Fussy eating. It passes, life is too short to make meal times unhappy.
Homework at primary school. Ruins family life and doesn't make an iota of difference in the long term.

Say yes whenever you can, but when you say no, mean it.
Listen.
Admit if you are wrong.
Apologise.
Make them do some chores.
Instill respect for others.
Insist on manners.
Lots of cuddles :)

Talking and listening to them are really important, take an interest in what they are interested in too. Being prepared to admit when you've got it wrong or acted badly and to apologise models the sort of behaviour you want in your children. Help them find ways to resolve their own problems. Don't keep them dependent on you because you want to feel needed (don't we all) what I have found is as they become more independent in some ways they need you just as much in other ways. Good manners x3, it really does make life easier.

Easier to introduce rules when young then stick to them in teens, than to try to introduce new rules to a teen.

Enjoy your time with them, it passes quickly.

Mine are 24, 21 and 17...Well done Mexican..your 1st paragraph put into words almost exactly what I would have said. In fact all of you together have given OP a perfect answer...but as Mexican said, there is no perfect parent..

.Talk,talk and then talk some more...never stop listening...my DD used to come into the bathroom...into the bath when she could...even tho I just wanted a minute to myself...I realize now that they were precious moments..we had such wonderful chats..

.DSs and me used to chat...they told me things I didn't want to hear sometimes...when we were cooking...(Now both chefs in the Navy!)...

But compassion, understanding of others and knowing that there is nothing that they could do that would stop me loving them...I wrote them each a note when they left home saying just that, just like my DM did for me...
.OH...and finally...just stop every now and then to do 'nothing' with your kids...just be...duvet day, long beach/woods/park walk....You do not have to plan activities with them...

I often think that parent's put too much focus on getting their children to read - and looking back on it, for me the key to them being good and interested readers has always been us reading to them not them reading to us.

At the end of a day, requiring my dc when they were small to do something that was a new skill for them and involved quite a lot of concentration always had mixed results. Both of mine however would always snuggle up with DH or I and be read to for 15 minutes and it meant they were exposed to more advanced stories and much richer vocabulary than they would be able to read themselves. Whenever I see on here people sweating about book bands I always think "Nooooooo, you've got it the wrong way round". FWIW, mine are both fabbo readers at 11 and 13, in that they read for pleasure and read a wide variety of ooks: also one of them was much quicker than the other in YR/Y1 but it really matters not a jot now.

My 13 year old DS would murder me if he thought I was publicising this because of course he is now v cool and wears Lynx and everything , but he still sometimes asks DH to read to him and they both love it.

The single most important thing (in my not very humble opinion!) is to work on their relationship with each other. Help them be friends as well as siblings. It was advice my mil gave me and it was so important.

And good manners. Inside the family and out. Nice manners will get you practically anywhere- and makes life so much nicer and smoother. And that means grown ups having nice manners towards children as well as the other way round.

Practically everything else doesn't matter. I can't actually remember most of it!

Hmm, interesting question! I have 3 between 9 and 13 so to be honest when they were little (all born within 4 years) I hardly had time to stop and think what I was actually doing. I would say go with your instincts and things will turn out fine. The fact that you're thinking about what you're doing means you're probably doing great.

Sleeping and toilet training....feels like it goes on forever but becomes a distant memory before too long. It was important to me that my dcs went to bed when told and slept in their own beds, but to others it's not.

Don't give up on serving healthy, varied meals when they go through the fussy stage. Mine all came out of it and eat most foods now. Try to keep things relaxed at the table.

One thing which didn't come naturally to me, probably due to my own upbringing, was letting them experience negative emotions and not necessarily fixing every problem. Sometimes they just want to vent a bit.

Things I wouldn't stress about if I had another (which I won't!) - not sharing as toddlers, tantrums, early/late reading/writing, being clingy, getting dirty, not wearing a coat.

Things I would still consider important if I did it all again - knowing the parents are in charge and have authority but that the dcs can come to you for anything without being judged, good manners from an early age so it becomes a habit, helping around the house, giving responsibility and letting them do things for themselves as appropriate for age, learning how to behave in different settings (restaurants vs. park for example), being consistent and following through with consequences.

What a lovely post from hesterton - thank you

For me, it was breastfeeding. I cried for weeks about my inability to bfeed my dd, I felt so guilty and such a failure about what I'd expected to come so naturally. She's now all grown up, and I wish I hadn't wasted so much of her newborn time in a state of guilty remorse. She's happy, healthy, and doing well in life - and all those bottles made not a jot of difference to her as an individual. I might get flamed for this, I hope not, as I am well aware that bfing is better for the nation's health as a whole - I just wish I'd made peace with myself about it at the time.

and the most important thing you can teach anyone - is the ability to laugh at themselves - and to find fun in life. If you can't laugh at yourself life is very tough. Laughter is so important in life - my two are late teens/twenties but we still laugh together at the ridiculous stuff in life - it has got us through many heart aches.

I taught my children from a young age that all advertising was lies made to make people buy crap and spend money they didn't have. Taught them to see the tricks used to persuade them to part with their money - they have both grown up very unmaterialistic and hardly ever pester me for things.

Also agree with "encourage a sense of the ridiculous" from disgrace and we've always chatted a lot about everything.

Lots of people say routine isn't important, but I stuck to a routine, and looking back, I'm glad I did.

I was very lucky in that both my kids slept really well from about 9 weeks old. A lot (think 14 hours at night plus 2 hour naps twice a day up to about 2, then one 2 hour nap a day right up to school age). I made sure that I kept to that routine, as they were horrible if they didn't get their sleep. Yes, it made life difficult at the time, yes I was quite limited in what we did and where we went, but for me, it was worth it.

they have remained good sleepers all their life, and are lazy teenagers now who as much time in bed as possible! I've never co-slept (wouldn't work for me, I'm too much of a light sleeper) and never had issues with them going to bed.

Doesn't work for everyone, and I understand lots of people wouldn't want to do that, but I don't regret it for a second and would do it again in a flash.

I have two teens! I also work at two universities so meet a hell of a lot of young people!

What I can hand on heart say about the vast majority is that the different ways they were parented all worked out well .

The idea that there is an optimum way, is simply not true. Which is very freeing .

Definately picking your battles wisely. Also teaching good manners and how to be kind and caring.Teach them that most things are never as bad as it seemed.
Lots of cuddles, kisses, wellie walks, splashing in puddles, laughing together. Children just need to know they are loved and cared for. Mostly talking- always talk and don't be glued to mobile phone and computer screens. Those early days will be gone in a flash.

That when they are upset, there's not a lot that can't be fixed one way or another, everything is a learning curve be it good or bad, tomorrow is another day, and sometimes adults do say 'yes'

yy to starting chores early - so it is the norm in their life. Talk to them a lot and listen to what they have to say, eat together at the table as a family at least once a day, manners are sooo imporant - saying please and thank you, giving up their seat on a bus or train to someone older than them, holding doors open, being kind and understanding people are not all the same and that it's OK to be different and those people who are different are often interesting people to talk to. Having an understanding of other people's culture.
tell them you love them every single day of their lives.

Deliver the reasons I think bringing up children is harder nowadays are (in no particular order)

My DCs are now in their 30s These are just my personal comments/views and are obviously just based on my experience of parenting in the 70/80s compared with nowadays.

*Parenting seems much more competitive now and children's lives seem to be more regulated (endless clubs, groups, after school stuff)
*It's just impossible for most families to manage on one salary economically (this is a general comment, and not about individual's life choices)
*Schools seems to expect much more participation from parents
*Everyone seems to have much less time, despite all the labour saving devices available