Parents of older kids- looking back what was important and what wasn't?

Should have been more loving and cuddling. Not done much in my day which I copied in my child rearing.

I wish I'd sat down and done more colouring, scribbling etc with them. Both of mine have real difficulties with their pen grip and have shocking handwriting and no artistic abilities whatsoever! That might have been the case anyway, but we did very little in the way of drawing, colouring etc and I do feel that if we had, they might be more inclined towards and enjoy doing those things more now that they're older. It's not a major thing but it is something I slightly regret

NO FIGHTING AT ALL EVER ( three boys)
it is not natural or compulsory this very statement makes me hated on musment every time I say it.
My children do not fight (physically or much verbally tbh) and never ever EVER have done. It makes me mad to think they should

WAS - emphasising who is good at things. Family meals ( say 4 a week) we chat about everyones day and are KIND to each other.

WAS not letting people say stupid/shut up or let them slam doors etc

life much more harmonious

NOT food wars.
NOT rationing screens
NOT shoving vegetables into them secretly

WAS - reading each one their own story every night. my sons GCSE English teacher warmed my heart when she said you can tell he was read to as a child. :)

WAS - making them come and say hello to visiting adults, learning to chat, offer drinks etc. they have lovely manners.

Try and identify what makes you, as a family happier, is it having a routine? Being spontaneous? Going out? Giving each person space and time to themselves? And make sure you try and incorporate it into your life instead of looking at what others are doing. Remember facebook is no reflection on real life!

Oh god yes don't get involved in squabbles nobody wins

Making them feel safe and loved was important. Encouraging them to care for others was important. Taking exercise and not over doing the treats was important. Gradually giving them some independence was important. Everyelse sorts itself out. Dss (15 & 13) might be bigger than me but they're still isn't too big for a hug.....not in public obviously.

Important-encouraging independence, a safe secure environment, open communication about everything and supporting them no matter what. Enjoying as many experiences as you can with them-they grow up so fast. Let them be who they are. Put family fun first over extra activities. Let them know they are loved constantly. Be a good role model especially in your relationships. Pets to care for.

Not Important- not fussing about how many biscuits they have or if they have sweets daily, especially if otherwise they eat healthily. getting involved in their minor fall outs with other kids- hilarious how many parents do this.

Mine are soon to be 13 and 15

Things I'd do the same ... lots of activities, getting out and about, seeing friends/ toddler group, new experiences
.... talk about it all with them as much as possible, just keep on talking about everything

Things I'd do differently ..... stress less about some stuff - got much too stressed about potty training dd for example. Left ds really late and now he's 13 of course you'd never know any different. In fact nursery helped me potty train him when he started with them at around 4 and he did it all really quickly! Certainly when he started school at nearly 5 he was perfectly fine. But whatever you think about the potty training just try not to stress out about anything. Keep a sense of perspective about toddler tantrums, they will pass (easier to say now of course!)

Also spread the love - keep an eye on friends' and family's children. How are they doing? If anyone is struggling can you help at all, maybe do more things together with their DC and yours? We all need some support sometimes

Play fighting is fine my girls loved a wrestle with their dad and were rough and tumble but they were not allowed to hit each other out of anger or frustration

I probably would change a few things I was a young mum and was to strict and stresy with dd1 I didn't want judged for being the young mum who couldn't cope I relaxed a bit by the time dd2 came along

I'm a big believer in co sleeping. It ends naturally enough (around 8 or 9).

What would I change? quite a few things but my kids are 21 and 24 and despite my lack of perfection they seem to have turned out OK!

The key stuff has been said already: values (fairness, consideration, teamwork, reasonable work ethic) and responsibility.

But fwiw if I had my time again I would

• not routinely moan about work and the stupidity of my clients. My kids have picked this up from me and xdp and it drives me nuts
• given them chores to do however much I felt it was quicker and easier to do it myself (or pay someone else to do it)
• eaten with them more and as a family more and recognised that children rarely starve themselves to death so if they didn't eat I didn't have to offer multiple alternatives that they liked better
• Manned Up against XDP and practiced controlled crying from early on rather than rushing to stuff my boob in their mouths so they wouldn't disturb him

'zero tolerance physical fighting rule'

Does that include play fighting? I think that's quite important for some boys.

love them and tell them, as often as possible

mine leave the house every day and say " love you," to me, of course they make sure none of their pals are about

My dd is 8yo and I would say with the benefit of hindsight that almost all 'behaviour' is a phase of some sort! i used to get very worried that dd would always be doing this that and the other but no actually it was a phase and she grew out of it!

Also wish I had adjusted my expectations slightly, looking back my expectations of what a 1yo, 2yo, 3yp etc is capable of and what they're not was always too high - could have saved myself a lot of stress if I had just gone with it rather than setting myself and dd up to fail for having too high expectations.

However I feel I have done well in encouraging independence from a young age for example getting dd to pay for things in shops, ask questions and generally be able to entertain herself. Also did well in fostering dds ability to 'play' - no idea if this was me or not but she can play with her toys for hours on end and I love that!!

There is definitely no such thing as a perfect parent (and if there were she would be a terrifying thing to behold ) so don't set yourself up to fail either, you only have to be good enough. Enjoy it - they grow up way too quick

I keep reading other posters and nodding consistency boundries routine manners all of that

Don't stress about sitting them round a table to eat a "proper" family meal all the time.

We ate ours sitting with it on our laps I hate tables I find them uncomfortable. They all went to university and are fantastic, considerate and delightful adults

I have an adult and an almost and they are great kids all my doing obviously we get on great chat and laugh and fall outsometimes but mostly get on, oh just want tovadd your not your dc mate you are their parent was my mantra when they were growing up

Chat to them listen to what they have to say evenif you are tired but accept nothng as an answer if you ask how school was dont push things dont stress about stuff you think they don't have be glad of the stuff they do have,
we had a no hands on rule it is not allowed. Ever , I also think like a pp parenting seems a lot harder these days parents are bombarded with information and forums etc not1 parent gets everything right it isn't possible imo so in my day you all bumble d along together doing your best now all these websites can tell you your best isn't good enough it is honestly

Oh yes I forgot the sleeping one.
Sleeping in their own beds. Does Not Matter.
I miss and treasure the years when DS slept in my bed.
I miss all of it really.
Wish I had shouted less and relaxed more when they were small and I was worn out.

Great thread. I have three teens...

Important:
Talking and keeping communication going even when they are being hormonal, argumentative, and tricky.
Lots of encouragement to try new things, meet new people, broaden their horizons.
Family meals whenever you can, with not too much stressing about food eaten, manners etc. just having a relaxed and jolly time.
Showing that you have values and opinions but you accept other people are different.
Most important: not rushing them on the next stage all the time. Take your time. They all get there in the end, whether it's potty training or maths gcse.
Not important:
Rigid routines that stress everyone out
Fussy eating: they all go through it and get over it, just go with the flow
Having masses of structured after school activities. Keep it relaxed in their leisure time.
Conforming madly to everything the schools ask you to do. Do your best and do the minimum of cake baking, raffle ticket buying etc

I read something when dd2 was a bad sleeper, would only sleep in my bed and then not well - it was about childhood being a golden time and trying to remember to sprinkle some magic fairy dust on their experience of being young. Not explained it very well, but it meant that when I was so tired I could barely stand up or so upset because of an unintended mess, etc, I could think ' magic fairy dust', smile and be positive to dd2. As a result of a childhood coated in magic fairy dust, though it took lots of effort until the age of 3 or 4 or so, dd2 is now the most confident, happy, charming child and I wish I had parented all my kids like this. Looking back, I wish I had never been critical or shouted at any of my dcs ever.

Oh, one thing I think I did well was have a can do attitude to my dcs - believed in their ability to do stuff well even when they didn't believe in themselves.