Parents of older kids- looking back what was important and what wasn't?

Another marking place (two DC 2.8 and 6 weeks) and saying thank you for the advice and perspective.

Probably not the intention, but this thread has made me cry. Had a tough day with dd today - classic case of terrible twos. All day. She's so precious to me and I now feel so bad.

Fantastic thread

It's amazing how a good new question can bring out great posts.

I would say

Important

Family meal times
Try to see the humour in any situation
Limit screen time- it is sucking the joy out of life
Lots of hugs and love
Being honest, modelling 'nobody's perfect' at all times

Unimportant
Who earns what
Who did the dishes
Tidy rooms
What everyone else has/is doing/wearing/driving
The Jones'

Get a good sleep routine from the word go.
For us that meant no co-sleeping ever, ever. Even when ill. Minimal interaction at night and not running in to every whimper. I also stopped bf when I'd had enough..even though I hadn't reached any magic number of months.
Bringing up children is hard. But everything is much more manageable when everyone has had a good nights sleep.

I haven't been that good at reading to my DC but I hope I've showed them a love of story anyway - we've made good use of other story tellers such as CBeebies and good nurseries. And hopefully they see us enjoying reading and writing on Mumsnet
Anyway, dd especially really enjoys reading now, and ds is getting there. Ds and I went on a good Enjoying Stories weekend workshop together recently - with lots of improvisation and drama. As Stephen Covey says in "7 habits ..." good to spend time 1 to 1 with each of our DC too.
Anyway, as others have said, lots of hugs and cuddles, lots of praise and unconditional love, and a fair bit of attachment parenting, extended BFing and co-sleeping have all been positives here.

Primary full stop I see on threads parents worry about sats and primary school and I think it's so simple compared to secondary

This is such a reassuring thread! We do lots of the things on here already and it reassures me that I won't regret it later on. Thank you!

And yes, read to them from birth until way after they can read for themselves . And let them see you reading, so they know its something you value . It is the key to so much . Plus its a good reason to cuddle up and(if need be make up ) at the end of the day.

Pick your battles-the things that matter
Never tell them they are naughty- just that it was a naughty thing to do
Eat as a family every night and talk, talk, talk.

Make sure they know they they are loved absolutely and unconditionally
Mine are 28 and 25 . We made mistakes but they turned out OK
Remind yourself occasionally that you are doing your best and sometimes Good Enough has to be good enough

I second most of what has been said. Don't worry about which milestones they hit when. They get there in their own way and their own time and in later years no one either knows or cares.

At all stages of their lives let them be who they are, not who you'd like them to be. There is so much pressure on young people these days, home should be a place where they feel fully accepted. They may not turn out to be what you expected, but they will turn out to be the most amazing people you know.

Lots of love and affection, clear boundaries, a sense of responsibilty and kindness, and as much fun as you can manage. All the rest of it really doesn't matter all that much a few years down the line.

Yes juggling! no as pg but eating in bed.

Thank you, glad I'm not alone.

I bet you're fab Gunpowder - 2 year olds floor most of us at times
It's always good to get to Friday night?!

I've had a day of feeling like a shit mother to my two year old and this thread is making me feel better. Thank you.

Sounds good duplodon - Enjoy

I am where you are OP with three under fives but coming on to say I had post natal anxiety with no 2 and a year's therapy and it has revolutionised my life. I went on to have number three after it and I really ENJOY my kids now and let go of the worry and stress when they arise, as they still do frequently. If you can have time out to reflect and breathe, it takes the pressure off sometimes. I don't know what it will end up like for them as older kids but life is so much more joyful now and I can't imagine not worrying so much could be anything but positive long term.

Important: Good manners, respecting others.

Not important: Being on the highest reading level, having the 'best' trainers.

Mine are nearly 16, 10.5 and 8.

My advice is:

Don't sweat the small stuff.
Choose your battles.
Enjoy your children.
Don't focus entirely on the things they don't do or can't do - look at what they can do and how they do it. A child may not be a great reader, or musical, or sporty. But they may be kind and thoughtful, or caring and helpful.

I've nothing useful to say as we're still in the early days, but thanks to everyone for contributing.

Marking this place, i have a 5 and 2 year old another one 'in the thick of it'

What a great thread.

The best bit of advice I was ever given, was to be as consistent as possible. Not sure I have managed it all the time, but I do my best.

The things that I think have worked well:

Make the time each day to sit, cuddle and talk and listen - no tv, music or distractions. We talk about all sorts of stuff - world news, football, friendships etc.

Try to give them a love of books and stories - I read to DS every night from him being about 6 months old. It's great 'together' time.

Routine and sleep training or whatever people want to call it. It's vital for your own sanity.

We have also loved doing simple things - jumping in puddles, running through leaves, collecting bugs etc.

What would I have done differently:

Not encouraged him to be as out spoken, as he is.
Not made too much of a big deal about having a good work ethic and having to work for everything you have. He can be a bit judgy about people who don't work (not to them directly, just at home with me)
Been a bit more strict about food - he's really fussy and I do blame myself for that as I was a fussy eater.
Curbed my spending on birthdays and Christmas. He is spoilt, but not bratty about it, but I do think I spend way too much.

Mine are 22 and 19. I would say choose your battles very carefully.

Don't fret about screen time or have battles about food.
Try not to stress about education too much. Encourage them to pursue what interests them rather than focus too much on academic achievement.

Cherish every moment when they're small but enjoy watching them become lovely young adults too.

You'll never do everything right, no matter how many mothers you ask! Just try and keep each day going and always kiss goodnight at night. Especially if it's been a bad day!

I do think it's important to try and think of what you want them to be when they're older, because they do need to be trained to do some things. Maybe it'll make for a bad week, but that bad week might make a better year in the long term.

Lots of people seem really focused on educational attainment, but I often think the people who do best in life are those with skills or traits that aren't aren't learnt in the classroom - motivation, effort, people skills, imagination, confidence, good mental health, practical skills, common sense etc etc etc.

So don't be pushy, but look for your child's natural talents and abilities and nurture them.

Going on the thread title only and straight off the top of my head

ALL OF IT!

No, it doesn't matter if DH doesn't rotate the baby grows properly.
No, the baby won't melt if he has the same meal two days running.
It probably didn't matter if boobs were alternated or not and how long he fed for.
Baby really didn't mind if he occasionally had a disposable nappy instead of the usual washable one.
He would have been fine in his car seat on the pram wheels occasionally.
Don't care so much what other people thought.
Having the exact correct date on each photo didn't matter.
Writing every nap time and every meal time food down wasn't really essential. (Though the kids love reading their diaries from when they were small.)

I had PND and cared so much that everything was done properly and I was obsessed .

Off to read the thread now.

Dd2 had no pen grip shocking writing still does tbh we coloured all the time