If you fart in the bath

1). Of course you know why farts smell don't you? For the benefit of the deaf! :-) (No offense intended towards those with hearing difficulties).

2). Just after my daughter had her baby in January 2013, we had to go back to the hospital with her. I was holding her in the waiting room when my daughter was called to take her in to be seen. As I leant over to pass the baby over, a big squeaky fart came from nowhere. No warning, no gurgling tum...nothing. Just a loud fart in front of the midwife and those in the waiting room. I was so embarrassed! :-(

3). Many years ago, I held a family gathering at my home for my parents wedding anniversary. My aunt and uncle, who were very well bred, travelled to join us and I offered to show them round. Auntie said she would love to, but Uncle stayed downstairs as he was tired. As we got to the top of the stairs, Auntie asks to use the bathroom, so we stay outside a little way away from the door and chat about this and that, and let her do what she needs to do. All of a sudden there is one of the loudest farts my husband and I have ever heard in our lives, echoed by the fact that she was sitting on the pan when she done it. Both of us burst into fits of hysterics and were still stifling our giggles when Auntie emerged from the bathroom 5 minutes later.

4). When one of my daughters was little, I had her on my lap and was changing her nappy. All of a sudden she let out a loud fart, full of poo pops and the force of it deposited it all down the radiator. I just sat there with my friend opposite me watching it all slide gracefully down the radiator...before bursting into fits of hysterics!

5). I have a male friend who when he lets one rip, exclaims with a totally straight face "more tea vicar"?

and finally....

6). I had a friend who swore blind that she NEVER ever broke wind/farted etc. (Yeah love, sure you don't!!). I told her that even the Queen and the Pope fart...everyone does, so why should she be any different!

In fact, they're similar to the friendly bacteria found in yoghurt."

Does that mean that we can use our farts as a "starter" for making naturak yogurt.

Pacific.. cooked onion has a dreadful effect on my wind. Never smelt the like!

Just read the thread again, I see someone admitted to farting in a DPs face, something similar happened to me, we had just started going out and experimented by using chocolate, squirty cream and other lickable goods. Well all was going well till he had put chocolate mousse on my nether regions and he was just about to go and well you know, when I giggled and farted, he got up and got a pack of baby wipes for me saying he couldn't possibly lick it off as the image he was presented with matched the sound and well smell

I am v sorry to inform you all that you have missed the Gilroy Carlic Festival 2014 (never mind, there's always next year).
Well, about 10 years ago, DH and I visited the charming Gilroy, CA. And lovely it was too. I had some oven-baked garlic. Quite a lot of yummy, sweet, nutty oven-baked garlic the size of a grapefruit, I kid you not.

Dear Reader, that night the wall paper curled off our hotel room wall. I woke myself up - not with noise, but noxious stench.
I tried to blame DH, but he and I both knew The Truth…

I keep telling the DSs that "Ladies don't pump" and the Littlies still believe me

"69 with a side of face fart"

omg, thats me tipped over the edge

The first Christmas I was with DH we went to his parent's house. After lunch we all settled down to watch the TV. In the middle of the film someone let out one of the loudest farts I had ever heard. MIL, who is exactly like Hyacinth Bucket, turned to me and said "excuse me love, I just broke wind!"

Yay, Classics!

Parptastic!

At least it makes the shopping trip interesting cheerful

My DH is awful for farting. It smells like some vile half demon creature died in a pile of chemical sludge.

And he'll do it in the store and then whisper "we'd better go" and leg it. Usually when I am needing something in that particular aisle. So then I've got to either walk away without it for awhile or stay and grab it, in which case someone always walks by and looks at me in astonishment.

This is the best thread EVER! Have just wee'd myself!

I've got a couple of stories to share (love abit of fart humour)!

The first time I had sex with my DH I let out a front bottom burp, couldn't hold it in, and couldn't stop laughing. I was mortified, but the more I laughed the more they came.

Sitting down to dinner for the first time with DH's family, I'm opposite DH & next to his nan. His nan lets rip the most rumbly thunderclap I have ever heard, curle everyone stares at the top of the table as if their oblivious.
I was on the brink of hysterics and DH just made things worse by giving me a swift kick under the table.

During my first labour I was in desperate need to let one go but refused to in front of the midwife.
Every time she left the room I trumpeted like a good one, the smell was awful but felt oh so good!

Anf I've just decided that DH is an arse, literally...everytime we go shopping he lets a silent one go next to me then walks quietly away whklst leaving a rancid smell. Some of the looks I've gotten because of him, can you tell that he hates shopping!

Too funny! So glad I am single - therefore fart alone, I was going to say if at all but have woken myself up like a previous poster! I wash my bedding weekly and usually shower after a bath so phew @ avoiding poo particles. I guess it has been done for centuries and have never heard of anyone dying from it. (yet)

Crying at this thread! I'll never sleep now!

Scientific classification of different fart types:

. silent but deadly
. anal aerosol
. one-cheek squeaks
. bum burps
. rectal rattler
. arse blast
. trouser trumpet

The simultaneous sneeze-fart always makes me chuckle...

I've shared this tale on MN before but I'll wheel it out again in honour of this thread.

I was heading home and dying to fart - doing that funny walk and hoping I wouldn't meet anyone to stop me. Let myself in the front door and let it all out as I headed through to the kitchen, only to hear DS shout from the front room "For God's sake Mam!"

Giggling, I popped my head round the door and nearly died when I saw his (relatively new at the time) girlfriend sat there with him!

Mortified was not the word. She was very nice about it - just laughed (a lot)

i farted not so long ago and my 18 month old son looked at me and commented "quack, quack"?

It still makes me laugh!

And I'll add that DD1 came downstairs laughing her head off at me farting in the bath last night, they are better out than in is all I say

Tipsy's DH was presumably worried about a further 67 to follow

Plan your excuse ahead of social occasions
BUT
if you want to blame the dog, first make sure there is a real live dog in the house

For dogless parties, I recommend the "crop dusting" tactic:
Walk very fast around the room so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. It helps to glare at someone after you stop.

Dh is trying to convert our entire town to vegetarianism by doing nasty stinky farts in the meat aisle in Tesco every time we go in.

I've stopped sleeping naked because of this thread, don't want to leave farty poo crumbs in the bed.

Had to post this separately to my last comment to enable full impact.......

This afternoon I spent a lovely couple of hours with DP including going to the pub for lunch. We often chat about the things I read on here and today that included this thread.

We wheezed with laughter as we made our way through 5 pages of the thread then, on p6, came across the comment about a face fart while involved in a little 'ladies and gentlemen' and were almost wetting ourselves!!

All I will say now is that it will be forever known in our household as a "69 with a side of face fart"!! Oh, and I'm never going to be able to go to bed with DP without cracking up with laughter at the thought that we might get caught out in a similar fashion!!

Have been reading this thread, I've nothing to add apart from well done on getting this to the classics, have been nearly peeing myself with laughter

I used to look after a very academic elderly gentleman (well into his 90's) who, while not English, had very 'proper' British gent ways about him. When I used to help him get up, washed and dressed in the mornings we'd sometimes have the inevitable morning emissions.

He'd look at me with surprise on his face and ask "What was that?" Not wishing to draw his attention that it was him, I always without fail, replied "The birds in the trees!"

Thanks everyone for much needed laugh! Laughed so loudly my 4 month old woke up!