Really inappropriate funeral thread

On the way to the funeral of a close family member, me and my parents were following the hearse along nice and slowly, until the we realised that the narrow road ahead was closed. We had to do a seven point turn in the middle of nowhere, behind the hearse, before speeding off to the crem at 70 mph to make sure we didn't miss the slot for the ceremony. We screamed into the car park on two wheels, stunning the assembled mourners, and as a result we giggled all the way through a horrible day.

At my brother's funeral, I was sat with my cousins and aunt as my parents were stood up. the only time I usually saw my cousins was at football matches, and we'd have sandwiches at half time. I understood that my brother had died and what that meant, but in my eyes we'd already said goodbye, so I didn't get the whole funeral concept.

So halfway through my own brother's funeral, I shocked the congregation by piping up 'Auntie.... do we get to have sandwiches now?'.

My parents still say to this day they are so pleased they let me be at the funeral. They got a lot of flak for it but in their eyes, I had more right to be there than most.

I've just remembered something else from my great grans funeral. She lived in sheltered housing and they kindly let us use the massive social area for her wake. I was having a look at the notice board and seen she had won the raffle that week. Me and my uncle said at least her week started off well. My aunt was not happy with me that day

Right.

Dh's uncle's funeral. Dd2 (then a baby) started wailing so I slipped out discreetly. Dd1 (then about 3) followed me. Left dh & ds in there.

Found a bench, began bf'ing dd2.

Dd1 suddenly decided to leg it. She'd seen a bright, colourful bit of the cemetery, with windmills, teddies etc...realising, horrified, that she was heading full tilt for the cemetery's area for babies & young children, I ran after her.

Entire funeral party was treated to me practically rugby-tackling dd1, right outside the crem's huge full length windows, dd2 clamped under right arm, left boob out.

The general consensus at the funeral tea was that dear old Uncle Fred would have loved having a streaker at his funeral, but still.

Blimey. This falling into the grave thing is a lot more common than I knew. I should let my cousin know. She'd be comforted. (she still gets upset at the thought of it, 15 years later).

Absolute howl at your tale Disgrace

When my DStepDad was being lowered into the grave, two tornados (planes, not the blowy variety) flew over pretty low. Mum announced that they'd timed it perfectly (he was a Tornado pilot) through her tears and then we all collapsed in giggles when Grannie said how amazing that was. He was buried near Salisbury plain, where low flying tornados is a regular occurrence. She's only lived there for absolutely ever, so really ought to have been aware.

My parents had to go to a very formal funeral recently, and the only smart black shoes my mum had to wear were very high heels, which she really isn't used to wearing now that she's retired...
The heel of one shoe caught in a grate on the floor and she fell smack on her face in front of everyone. My dad had to pick her up off the ground as she was laughing rather hysterically due to the shock!

My Grandmother's funeral was presided over by someone who had not known her, so we were expecting something a little generic, but when it came to speaking about heaven/the afterlife, he made the rather lovely gesture of asking us to call out some of her favourite things that she would no doubt be doing:

Cousin A: Watching Corrie!
Cousin B: Having a cup of tea
Cousin C: 'avin' a spliff!

This was the same funeral at which the exit song was announced as "one of Jean's favourite pieces." We listened to the first few bars of Ave Maria which was nice, but a little confusing as she had never been known to like that particular piece of music.

Song stops abruptly. Then this:

One of my uncles was an amazing man . Lots and lots of friends , some respectable , others .... Not so much . People, in handcuffs etc . When he died , the council allowed the crematorium chapel to be used , despite it having been recently closed , and in the end the main road to the crematorium had to be closed by police due to the literally thousands of mourners walking behind the hearse. There was only room for about 200 people in the crematorium , among which were me , my brother and my mum, as relatives .

His sons , bless them , had been given the task of sorting out the music , which consisted of music on tape , which gives you a clue of how long ago this was . So we're sitting there , 'remembering' my uncle as the coffin slides out of view, when the Hollies fade out , only to be replaced by 'round round get around, I get around ......" Yes , the Beach Boys . They hadn't used a blank tape.

Me and my brother instantly looked at each other and fell into hysterical giggles . I ended up sobbing ostentatiously into a huge hanky , whilst being patted on the back by one of my cousins.

My dad used to answer the phone in silly ways "Battersea Dogs Home!" Etc.

One Sunday morning the phone rang. On that occasion he said "Hello, Bexleyheath Crematorium!". One of his staff said "Sorry, I'll not be in tomorrow, my mother just died". He was and never used that again!

The organist at my Dad's funeral started off the last hymn at the wrong speed, the choir tried to tried to speed up, the congregation stayed at the organist's speed he then lost his place but kept going regardless with I'm not sure what and we had a wonderful cacophony until the last note. OH and I couldn't stop laughing - Dad would have thought it hilarious!

The organist at a close relative's funeral couldn't play the 3rd line of the verse of one of the chosen hymns. Got the same notes wrong in every verse. In the first verse we were by the 2nd verse we'd started to get the giggles and by the 4th verse we were trying to pretend we were sobbing in to hankies to hide the laughing.

The priest did apologise on the way out. But I think had my relative been there she would have found it funny.

Rainicorn.
That's an old Morcambe and Wise one, isn't it?
My H says it as often as he can shoehorn it into conversation (surprisingly often, actually, as it is his only 'joke'!)

My nans funeral we were in the graveyard and it was coming to the end of the service. We had decided to each throw a rose in as the vicar/priest?? Was saying a prayer, when it came to my turn I was wearing very high heels. So I went over and threw the rose in, as I turned to Go my heel sank into the grass! Went 'oh shit' rather loud, luckily my exh grabbed me In time.

The shame, they were so many people there, the vicar didn't look rather impressed....spent the wake hiding in the corner, sending my exh to get the tea and cake. Family still rib me about it now. Me and my potty mouth

At my mums funeral we ended up being ragaled with tales from the funeral directors / hearsey people.

The best one being the guy who ended up slipping into the hole on top of his mums coffin (( awful weather was to blame )) the ended up dragging in the pallbearer who tried to pu him out.

My grandad went into the crem to the tune of the dam busters

Everyone was talking about what a proud military man he was which showed how little they knew about him -he was turned down for national service due to his polio induced bad leg

It was actually played because he was a massive Lincoln city fan and that's what is played as the players go onto the pitch!

My Dh was buried in a green field site - I brought a plot for both of us. At his interment as he he was being lowered in My friend said to me -'' So you'll be on top forever - he will like that'' - I giggled slightly hysterically -

These are great to read - humour really helps on difficult days like that.

Disgrace - that is just fantastic! I'm sure they'll look back on that and smile.

We all had to throw a flower on to the coffin, my mother completely missed the grave and hit another relative on the other side, my Dad had to lead me and dsis away in hysterics, saying it was grief .

My mother also fell in a freshly dug grave at a wedding once, we also got hysterics.

My aunt's requested music to be played at her funeral (cremation) was 'Smoke Gets In Your Eyes'. Which was doubly appropriate as she was - as she had entirely expected - killed young by her 40 a day habit.

This should go in classics

My father, with whom I've long had a difficult relationship, died a few months ago after a protracted illness. He was a lapsed catholic who had made it clear he wanted to be cremated. When the funeral director asked if we wanted a religious service I replied that I was considering a Catholic one so that when the coffin was struck by lightening I would be saved the cost of cremation.

Fortunately he had a sense of humour!

I've told this one before, so apologies for those who have read it.

Me, MIL, Dh and BIL were sitting in MIL's living room with funeral director discussing plans for DFIL's funeral. Very somber and upsetting. All of a sudden an ambulance sped by outside with the siren blaring and DH, as calm as anything says "he will never sell ice creams going that fast".

Lightened the mood in the room anyway.