Really inappropriate funeral thread

My dd had just turned 1 when my grandmother died. Just as they lowered the coffin and said we lay beryl to rest dd piped up Hip hip horray !!!

My 5yr old DNiece was sat on my lap during my DGM's funeral earlier in the year, I was sobbing but trying to do it silently do she didn't get too distressed. She obviously could feel me shaking though as she very loudly asked why I was laughing so much and told me that it wasn't very funny that DGM was going to live in the river as she couldn't eat chocolate biscuits now. (No idea why she thought she was going to live in the river). Bless her

My mums funeral

My dad noticed that my flowers in the church weren't with the family ones, the priest is walking round the coffin, my dad makes my brother nip up and move them...when the priest makes his 2nd circuit there is a fucking huge bouquet where there wasn't one before!!! He went arse over tit

Then he nearly choked to death on the incense being waved around by a very enthusiastic alter boy...the priest was not having a good day

My friends funeral

My DH took the morning off to drive me there and back and to take over with reading the eulogy because he thought I would be in bits and crying too much

He took one look at the husband and children sat in the front of the church and started crying...didn't bloody stop, completely fucking useless bless him!!

At the recent funeral of a family member, the very busy crematorium operated a tight schedule. As one party were ushered out of the side door 'to admire the flowers', the next bunch were gathering for the next service.

This led to the inevitable overspill of one funeral party mingling with others. All fine and good, but several members of ours were chatted to by mourners who wanted to know how they knew Edie and didn't they think it was a shame about that nurse at the rest home?

One friend said that she didn't have the heart to say I have no idea who Edie is and you're in the wrong area. She smiled and nodded beyond the point where she could fess up to not being connected.

This must happen all the while; the conveyor-belt style operation was a bit shit.

One of my relatives is an undertaker. The first time he acted as a pall bearer they got to the church and realised he'd not done it before, so they did a couple of practice laps of the car park.

After my 100yo GFIL's funeral, his similarly ancient friend tottered over to offer condolences at the crematorium and added with a sigh 'I'm not sure it's worth me going home...'

Brilliant thread

'oh mum do we not get to see the flames'

Oh my these are all fantastic, I hope it goes in classics.

I am crying with laughter.

At my mother's funeral an elderly neighbour collapsed and the entire (small New England town) police force of 4 plus ambulance crew turned up. The priest ignored all the commotion as they lay my neighbour in the middle of the aisle and eventually carted her off (she was fine, it was just too hot for her in the tiny chapel!!). He just said, "Oh, that's XX, and old neighbour of Taz's mum. Let me tell you a story about XX's late husband and Taz's mum" and then told this story about one time my mum had had a massive fight with my neighbour's late husband!

Then he carried on with the service without missing a beat.

At the wake after the funeral of an elderly relative, one of my cousins had to leave early because of work commitments. He had been promised the rather swish stereo system by the deceased relative - so was encouraged to take it with him there and then, seeing as he lived a fair distance away.

Latecomers to the wake were greeted by the slightly undignified sight of cousin wheeling the stereo down the front path towards his car, topped with a cardboard box full of pictures, knick knacks and a coffee percolator. We were helpless with laughter looking out of the window at his attempts to appear Non-Grabby and Respectful.

at my Grandad's funeral the organist was playing the theme from The Godfather on a loop as the congregation were coming in.... Grandad not a fan of the film/no mafia ties (he was a bradford based civil servant!!) as far as I know and I'm pretty sure Nana has never seen it, probs not even heard of it.... DH and I had a giggle, now it makes me smile and think of Grandad.

A friend of my DH, who he'd known since birth, died. We had visited him lots and HE told us that he didn't want black worn. So my DH wore his famous hawaiin shirt and I wore a colourful outfit. We were the only inappropriately dressed people there!! Embarrassed doesn't cover it! Even his widow was all in black. We can laugh now but....

An elderly friend of mine, his wife died many years ago. On the day of the funeral they followed the hearse to the crematorium, typical funeral day, dark November clouds and lashing with rain.

The hearse got a serious puncture. Anyway, they had to take the coffin out of the hearse to get to the spare wheel, the funeral directors held a brolly over (some of) the coffin to save it from the rain at the side of the road.

Friend and family in the car behind, watching. Someone started to laugh, and in the end the whole car was laughing, the funeral directors looking on from the rain outside. They started to laugh too.
No-one kept a straight face all day.

My dad went to a funeral once where the man standing next to him had obviously been reading the wrong thing and said "Amen" very loudly in the wrong place. My dad struggled not to crumble into hysterics.

My grandfather was buried in a very large cathedral with about 600 mourners. I was having a cigarette outside beforehand and bent down to stub it out, ripping the back of my dress in the process-right from the hem at the knee to above my arse. Everyone else had already gone inside so I had to make a split second decision and there was no one left outside for me to borrow a coat from. I ended up tottering down the aisle in my heels with my hands 'casually' held over as much of the split as possible, all the way to the front of the cathedral in front of the entire congregation. To make it worse there were about a dozen bishops there, including the then Archbishop of Canterbury. Thank God they were at the front so didn't get an eyeful.

I'm pretty sure my grandfather would have found it hysterical!

When my nan (dad's mum) was in hospital dying - the hospital Chaplain came to anoint her.

He's a big bloke. He sat down on a chair by her bed - and his trousers split!! It was hilarious at a totally inappropriate moment...

We asked him to take her funeral service and he was very good but one of my cousins couldn't stop giggling through her tears at the thought of his trousers ripping.

I had an 'uncle' (aunties partner) who was an antisocial old sod. No-one knew much about his family. When he died my aunt contacted the family and they came to the funeral

village church, about 10 mourners and a couple played a folk song on guitars. It was dreadful, tuneless and Just. Awful. Mum and I were killing ourselves trying not to laugh.
Then at the wake, his sister said 'shame they got the dates wrong on the coffin' What?? Turns out, he had lied to aunt about his age for his whole life. She never knew. He was 5 years older.

Went to a wedding last year, the husband had asked everyone to wear bright colours. We did and at the crematorium, there were other groups, all in black, and I was really pleased we were all in bright colours.

When my gran died, her sister flew over from New Jersey for the funeral. The last time they'd seen each other US aunt had shouted at my gran as she was a diagnosed hyperchondriac and had basically decided she wanted to die, whereas US aunt had survived brain surgery etc.

US aunt wanted to see the body and dragged my sister with her. Dad and I went too as dsis really didn't want to go. We all stood solemnly as my US aunt got ready to say goodbye. We then spent the next ten minutes biting our lips and stifling giggles as US aunt (in a Soranos type accent) loudly apologised for 'telling you I was going to kick you in the ass, I wasn't really going to kick you in the ass'.

Dad had been dreading the funeral, but that really lightened the mood.

My gran was always at least 2 hours early for anything. My mum would tell her 3pm and at 1pm, you could guarantee she was there and ready!

The day of her funeral. The funeral car collected us from the house and we headed to the crem... and we sat there and sat there. The driver came off his mobile phone and apologised but the hearse had been held up. Queue me bursting into fits of laughter and my mum realising why I was laughing... my gran who was never late... was late for her own funeral!

Also when we went to the funeral directors, the lady asked if such and such a day would suit and my mum replied "No I'm having a new door fitted, it cannot be that day!" I sat there thinking "WHAT??"

My friend's dad's funeral. It was a big funeral and we managed to get a seat, when someone said "Can I have your attention please, we have to clear the building as quickly as possible as the fire alarm has sounded!" We thought it was a joke then we realised that it was the truth and had to leave as the crem was on fire! Felt like her dad's little joke!

Friend of a friend's funeral someone looked as though they were slipping in to the grave, someone pulled them back but she said, look at the plaque' - there was a plaque with the deceased's name on the coffin - but it was the wrong name and the wrong coffin.

A hearse doesn't just carry the deceased on display but they have storage underneath for 2 others, the coffins had been put in the wrong order.

At my Nana's burial the priest flicked some holy water about and then handed the 'flicky thing' (can't remember the propper name) to her sons, they flicked some water about and then it was passed to her (Nana's) brother who then passed it to his wife.

That did not go down well with my mum who marched round the grave to claim her turn with the holy water and then she passed it to someone else.

It ended up like an Olympic torch relay.

firstchoice
Sign language users have a 'sign name' - a sort of signed nick name - there is an interpreter whose sign name translates as 'grave' because he was interpreting a funeral and ...

Gran in law died when I was massively pregnant with dc4. Typically I gave birth on the morning of the funeral (very early)

DH went to the funeral taking DC1 (12) DC2 (4) and DC3 (2). The two smaller ones filled any quiet gaps in the service by singing postman pat and Bob the builder theme tunes.

MIL said it made the day bearable for her bless her. DH was mortified tho.

I've not finished reading yet but Bakersbum that has just made me cry laughing! I keep stopping then picturing it again and starting all over again. Brilliant.

Many years ago I was a church chorister and would occasionally sing at weddings and funerals at our church. Our organist was old enough to have been mentioned in the bible and as it turned out, going a touch deaf. She was also not a particularly good musician...
One particular funeral, we sang Jerusalem as requested but the organist kept changing the tempo and was just drifting around the keys in her own little world while we desperately tried to keep time. I kept catching the eye of the row of chief mourners, all of whom were veering between being very upset and hysterical laughter as we all tried to get trough the hymn in one piece.
Half of the front row ended up sitting down weeping with genuine laughter, I had to close my eyes to stop myself doing the same and we all ended up finishing half a verse earlier than the organist.
She retired shortly afterwards.

This isn't funeral related but is death related.
When my gran died her body was left in her bed for a few hours before being picked up.
The back door was open as family were coming in and out.
A chicken strolled in through the back door, walked through her living room, hallway and then through to her bedroom and jumped on her bed next to her. There were plenty of people there but everyone just stood there in shock. There had never been any chickens around so no idea where it came from.
After shooing it back outside the chicken kept walking from the front door to the back door for a few hours trying to get back inside, it was the most surreal thing I have ever seen. We were devastated but couldn't help laughing.
The laughter got worse when my SIL said, "maybe it's Grans DS (who had died a couple of years earlier) He always was a bit of a cock(rel)". Followed by an aunt sitting outside talking to the chicken telling it, it could leave now as grans body had been taken away. Neighbours must have thought we were crazy!

My grandad was a huge stoke city fan.. and they sing Tom Jones' Delilah as their song (with a few lyrics altered..). And we played it on the way out of the service. Everyone was crying and laughing at the same time. It makes me smile when I go to watch stoke play and the crowd do a rendition