Really inappropriate funeral thread

Me and a pal were sightseeing (pub searching) in Ireland when we were ushered into this house/pub.

Hours later in discussion we realised it was a funeral. We had spent best part of the day being fed and watered by some lovely people who thought we were there to show our respects!

My mother asked me to accompany here to the funeral of a distant cousin. Dd1 was on an inset day from school and I had no child are so had to take her along but sat at the back of the church. She was extremely interested (she was about 10 at the time) in the whole proceedings. Joined in the hymns, asked intelligent questions etc. Listened intently to the eulogy, which went on for some time. The person doing the eulogy ended with "and Hugh did some fantastic things in his life and it was a full and happy one" to which DD1 burst out in applause. Cue all the mourners turning around and glaring at her.

She said later that she thought it was like a wedding speech where everyone clapped at the end. We've never let her live it down!

When DF died the funeral director called round to pick up the clothes he'd be buried in. His favourite Hawaiian shirt he'd already asked for, and "underpants because he'll be in company but no shoes because he won't be walking".

Took quite a lot of the sting off.

Not at a funeral but I went with a good friend to the funeral directors for support while she organised her db's funeral.

I'm sitting quietly not really concentrating when I happen to glance out of the window. In my direct line of sight is a 30ft high shark sticking out of the roof of a house opposite!

I sat wondering if I had gone completely mad then got the silent giggles as the whole situation was frankly bizarre!

The funeral director handed me a box of tissues which made me hysterical!

Thankfully they both saw the funny side

On arrival at my mums funeral, in the limo behind the hearse with my dad, sister and uncle. The car stops outside the crem and there are two undertakers at the door wearing black suits and ties with white shirts, heads bowed.

Uncle says 'bloody hell Labrador's Dad, I didn't realise you'd hired security!'

Gave us all a brief giggle and will stay with me forever !

There's no doubt that music at the funeral can be a bit of a minefield.

I was at the funeral of a keen amateur (but very good) musician. Family explained that he loved very dramatic music and for the bit where the coffin goes behind the curtains they would play a recording that he had been part of. When the music started it was the 'Dies Irae' (Day of Wrath) from one of the louder requiems, all about the day of judgement and going to hell

Mum collected Grannie's ashes from the undertaker, and was told she had to have a bag to put them in, in case the urn upset people.

She didn't, so they provided one. At home she realised what it said. 'Iceland. Best for BBQs'.

I love the littlewhitebag story too. Very useful these little bags. Not a funeral story but - he day after a family wedding, it was my birthday and DH presented me with his beard in one of these little bags. I'd better not give him any more ideas ....

Yeah, the funniest with hindsight (at the time I was just ) was my aunt's cat's bum face. To be fair she was upset, we all were, but it was her lil bro in the box. Dad was very irreverent - and VERY keen on his 6 grandsons. He'd have loved it.

firstchoice Wed 30-Jul-14 21:35:03
Oh, littlewhitebag. how very sweet of them, to see 'dd's party' in their own wee way.

Sorry but this made me laugh considering the party bag contents.

The priest said my Nan's name instead of my great grandma's (her mum) when sending the spirit to heaven. He said the wrong name 3 times during the service. My grieving nan was not impressed. It was awful!! Kind of funny looking back now though!

Basketz

Fact over tact. Love it

At my dad's funeral ds4, then aged 18 months, stood on my lap, looked over at the coffin, and in a very clear voice (his clearest yet?) shouted 'dead'.

Oh, littlewhitebag. how very sweet of them, to see 'dd's party' in their own wee way.
I am sorry for your loss. x.

antoinette thank you. It was a very long time ago now. She would have been 23 now so i can recall it with fondness rather than sadness.

littlewhitebag that's so sweet. I'm sorry for your loss.

lettherebe reminds me of my step gran's funeral. It was decided that there would be 6 pall bearers; her brother, her 4 sons in law, and my cousin.

brother was 5 foot 10, my cousin is 5 foot 10 ish, my dad and two uncles range from 5 foot 9 to 6 foot. My other uncle is 5 foot 6. The coffin had a bit of a lean on it!

I remember asking my DM (I was about 11 at the time) whether short uncle would need to balance the coffin on his head....

My step gran had rallied several times towards the end of her life, so people had gone and visited her several times to say their goodbyes. It had become a bit of a (bad taste) family joke -oh X is dying again...

During his speech, the vicar remarking on her strong grip on life, remembering a time when he had visited her when she was on her death bed, with the comment of 'but she didn't die that time', which was followed by my DDad whispering in my ear 'nor the time after that, nor the time after that', so we spent the rest of the service biting our lips go stop giggling

Just remembered another one from my lovely grandma's, the funeral was on the same day as she used to go to her Tuesday club, Dm had rung to explain she had passed away but the message wasn't passed on, so just as the hearse pulled up so did her Tuesday club lift. The chap still came to the door and asked for her, Dm just pointed at the hearse and said she is in there, man beat a hasty retreat with a car full of shocked old dears, poor man.

At dgodfathers wake my dad stood up to do a speech, then 6 firemen burst in on a practice drill, they took their helmets off and left quickly. Lightened the mood a bit!

At my uncle's funeral, my aunty had requested a specific retired priest to preside over the funeral as he had taught my uncle at school.

Unfortunately time had not been good to the retired priest and his memory wasn't what it should have been.

When talking about my uncle, he clearly couldn't remember his name and kept looking at the coffin to read the name plaque! He also patted the coffin, in a jovial manner. Ah, John, John, John he said. He was clearly trying to commit the name to memory.

The whole bench was shaking with everyone laughing, as he once again struggled for the name and seriously peered at the name plaque We are seriously considering him for the next funeral.

Just last week, my FIL went to see my lovely MIL laid to rest in the coffin before having the coffin sealed. As my FIL left the chapel of rest he said to the funeral director, right then, wheel her back to the fridge!

He turned to see a horrified couple who were in the waiting room. I bet they thought he had quietly seen to her demise. Sadly she had died of cancer and he loved her so so much. It was his way of dealing with it all.

My first DD died when she was aged 5. My younger DD was 3 and my niece 4 at the time. At the tea afterwards they went into the toilets for ages and everyone who went in came out smiling. They then came out with all the sanitary towel bags which they had stuffed with loo paper and gave out "party bags" for DD's party! It really cheered up what was, frankly, a very shit day.

NC'd for this:
At FIL's funeral, the family had chosen one of his favourite songs, Barry White's My First My last My Everything to be played as we left the church behind the coffin for the burial. In itself it is probably not an obvious choice, as it is quite up-tempo, but was compounded by lots of confusion around the playing of it.

The vicar was a bit scatty, and forgot the last hym. So when the Barry White music started, instead of moving forward to walk behind the coffin, all the family were pointing to their order of service and gesturing to the vicar (I would have just gone with it, but MIL quite rightly wanted the whole service she had agreed!). So there was a slightly confusing scene whilst the vicar gestured to the church volunteer sitting at the back with the CD player to switch it off, and then got the service back on track. Then at the end of the hymn, when it really was time for Barry White, the church volunteer didn't understand how to go back to the beginning of the track now he'd started it once, so there was a long silence until DH got up, walked all the way from the front to the back of the church to operate the CD player, then all the way back to the front to walk behind the coffin. It doesn't seem as funny in the telling, but at the time the juxtaposition of the sombre occasion, bursts of non-sombre Barry WHite at the wrong times, and the sheer terror on the face of the poor old volunteer in the face of something as sophisticated as a CD player made me want to laugh.

My dad tells me the vicar also gave some comic relief before the service started. Dad was one of the first there, and the vicar and the organist were trying to time how much music could be played as the vicar walked in with the coffin. But everytime the vicar started walking in to the music, a new guest would arrive and the vicar woukld forget what he was doing and stop to talk to them, then have to go back and start all over again. Apparently this went on for ages before he got all the way

I start by saying my dad didn't believe in the 'afterlife', but the minute he died my front door slammed but there was no one there. I was asleep on the sofa (I was 7 1/2mth pg with a non sleeping 15mth old). I rang my mum and said he had died.

At his funeral he had 'Hey you, don't sit on my cloud' by the Rolling Stones as the coffin went behind the curtains which tickled me.

At my granddad's funeral 8 weeks later the minister was upset that she missed him coming into the crematorium surrounded by my uncles Harley Chapter.

Before I begin, there are 2 things you need to know. One, my grandmother was 4 feet 11. Two, she had 2 sons, 3 grandsons, and 3 grandson-in-laws.

When my grandmother passed away, DH and I arrived at the crem to be told by my uncle that "all of the important men in her life would be pallbearers." This meant my Dad, my uncle, and all 6 grandsons. (including the married-in ones).

Did I mention my grandmother was 4 feet 11? Short people have short coffins. Fact. You cannot easily fit 4 adult men on each side of the coffin of a person who was 4 feet 11. They were unable to take full sized steps and were forced to shuffle instead.

I also should have mentioned that one of my cousins was of a similar stature to my grandmother, due to his growth being stunted when he had leukaemia as a child. In contrast, my dad is 6 feet 4. My Dad was positioned on the back right hand corner of the coffin. My shorter cousin was on the front left. This unfortunate set-up, coupled with the enforced shuffling, meant that grandma's coffin was perilously balanced and tilted alarmingly. As they shuffled up the aisle, the coffin was slipping further and further forward.

Everybody had been told that they were NOT to lift their arms to support the coffin. It must be carried on their shoulders. None of them wanted to be the person who broke the rules and grabbed hold of the coffin.

The shuffling was soon accompanied by shoulder twitches as everybody desperately tried to manoeuvre the coffin into a more stable position. The shuffling became faster and faster, the twitching more and more frantic, as the eight of them sped towards the altar (altar? not sure). They arrived at the front of the crem just in time to let Dear Old Grandma slide elegantly forwards and onto the altar. Everybody stood and stared for a moment, amazed that they Grandma had made it, before tugging down their shirts, turning around, and taking their seats.

Mum and dad and I remembered it fondly for years afterwards squoosh until mum and dad also died from nothing serious.The same great aunt was also famous in the family for explaining the immaturity of some young male relative with the words "of course, a girl of 18 is much more of a woman than a boy of 18 is".

"Well at least she didn't die of anything serious"

HILARIOUS!