Cringeworthyness of ex partners....

Oh I couldn't. . I would have to pm you all my address and request you send me vodka before I loosen up enough. It was horrifying. Fortunately he has far too many good points to permanently dampen my ardour but it was close.

Frog: you can't leave us hanging like that, what's the pet name?

adrieneswall "please allow me the pleasure of making love to you"

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggghhh!!!!!

My toes have scrunched up into tiny balls of embarrassment and I wasn't even there!

These are hilarious!!

Well mumtosome that is the strangest comfort story I have heard!! That being said. . Ahem he sounds quite 'well built'
ok if we are all being honest. . My CURRENT partner. Gave my bits a pet name. .. I cringed wholeheartedly. And told him if he ever said it again it would be the last time he saw them.

Mr elQuintoConyo would like to share one:

He once went out with a woman who, when feeling randy, would hang her tits over his laptop and ask: "fancy anyone I know?"

Reader, he married her

And I still do it! I bet they'd all be cringeing over on Dadsnet if he posted!

When I was about 25 there was one who invited me to his place for the evening.

I arrived and his mum answered the door and went to fetch him from his bedroom, and he was wearing a bright yellow shirt and cream slacks

I think my face actually looked like >> - I thought he was a goth! It was even worse when he explained his outfit, with "My mum said I should look a bit more colourful if I'm having a girl over"

He then proceeded to spend the evening showing me his stuff in his bedroom. It felt like we were on a playdate instead of an ACTUAL date!

I don't want to set up for an anticlimax (huhu!). Oh fuck it, I'll say.

OK so we have sex, it was nice and passionate and needed, if you know what I mean - sexual tension was rife. I knew I was the second person he'd slept with - he was with his ex for near on 10 years and she was his first, and hadn't had sex for the last year of their relationship (so he'd been shag free for 16 months). Was expecting him to blow instantly. He didn't.

Afterwards, there was a moderate amount of post sex cuddling and then I needed the loo. Off I pop, run the tap to mask the weeing sound because everyone does that, right? I come out, freshened up and DP was sitting starfish in the bed, stark naked and flapping - FLAPPING - his cock around. I genuinely cannot explain what this means, other than his cock is flapping around but he's doing it with his hand - it looks like he's wanking but he's not, he's just, well, batting it around.

The TV was on and as I crept out of the toilet he didn't really acknowledge I was there, so I stood for about a minute just watching, agog. I couldn't work out whether it was some perverse sexual act or whether I hadn't made him 'come' properly or he was a sexual deviant or whatever. I was laughing but shocked, he looked like he was proper going for it.

I cleared my throat and then burst out laughing -we had been drinking, so I couldn't really act like it was nothing. He looked embarrassed and stopped - and thanks to the alcohol, I had the nerve to ask whether it was because I was shit in bed or whether he was a weirdo.

Nearly 3 years on - he still does it. It's like a comfort thing; I genuinely cannot explain why or how or what...it's not a sexual thing - he never ever does it with an erection or before sex

There was Posh Virgin, who, after a very vanilla first shag, arrived at mine the next night having shaved off all of his body hair and had been out and bought a black 'Hom' thong as a "treat" (for me?)

And there was the one who, whilst down between my legs, begged me to fart in his face

Call him 'bob' that would work!

Ooh mumtosome you absolutely have to! Can someone else help. .ahem.. persuade her? You can always hide thread after spilling thy beans..

Polo neck under a blazer

I would be absolutely shot if I mentioned DP - he doesn't read Mumsnet but he does look over my shoulder occasionally! Shall I risk it? You're all responsible if I end up AWOL

best hour spent ever
thank you one and all

I think the ones that used babytalk and named their penises bother me the most. That kind of infantile behaviour makes me shudder.

I don't think I have any as bad as this one, but I remember one guy I dated was really big on showing how sexually adventurous and open he was to vaginas and all their glorious beauty. His ultimate show of openness was when he stuck two fingers in me, gave a big nervous sigh as he prepared himself mentally and then slowly licked them clean. All while making eye contact.

My wtf reaction to his grand display of 'acceptance' (as he called it) obviously wasn't what he expected. I think he was hoping for a medal.

I think we need to be adding initials so we can recognise these blokes Some of them certainly sound familiar to me.

Ok, I need to send DS to bed before I read any more of these- I'm on page 3 of 8. He keeps giving me strange looks as I snort with laughter!

These are bloody hilarious.
I had a boyfriend who didn't get washed ever , he said he didn't smell. He didn't but it was weird.
He also used to write me letters and come to present them to me if I ever went out with my friends then walk off. He was dumped as soon as I went to Uni.

Oh how could I forgot cringy guy I dated briefly. I was getting dressed post night before and he came up behind me and sort of folded his flaccid penis between my cheeks and said "look it's a hotdog!" before bursting into hysterical laughter.

When I was about 21 I went out with a friend back in our home town. We ended the night in the pub she worked in at the time. In my beer goggled state I thought it would be a good idea to go to bed with her much older boss. I didn't fancy him at all in the cold light of day. He insisted on trying to give me a massage and when I said I must go home he presented me with a Gizmo teddy (Gremlins) and then walking me back to my car. I wanted to die. I stopped on the way home to stuff gizmo in the hedge.

On a second date the guy turned up in head to toe matching denim (this was in about 2006 not 1986)). I walked about three steps ahead of him and did not arrange another date.

Someone I had a very brief fling with asked me to 'purr for him' mid really awful shag. Then pretended he hadn't when I responded with utter whatthefuck.

I dated a 33 year old virgin with more sexual hang ups than you could shake a flaccid dick at. He'd been in a 7 year relationship with a woman who had never let him penetrate her as he was too big (his words). I think my cough splutter, 'I've had way bigger' marked the end of our dating.

Mum you HAVE to spill now!!

Oh keep them coming please! I don't know if this is cringeworthy or just a gripe.. but the sock/shoe/short wearer also left skiddies down the toilet. I mentioned it to him and said it wasn't pleasant for me to find.. his excuse. He was too busy to clean. .we were on holiday at the time