Cringeworthyness of ex partners....

but how did that even start>

Hello I am jeff goldfinger?

He had a pseudonym because he needed to refer to himself as something/I needed a name for him. He didn't tell me it wasn't his real name - I guessed and found out later.

I had a boyfriend for nigh on 2 years and never once did he take his cap off.

I don't know to this day what was underneath it.

I had an ex who shouted "oh, Mum" and used her name when he orgasmed.
Couldn't get dressed and out of there fast enough !!

I remembered another one I tried to burn from my memory.

Ex used to try to serenade me.

We'd be in bed post-sex I'd be trying to get to sleep and he'd announce he was going to sing me to sleep. Now one, he had a crap voice, but fancied himself a good singer. Two, his song choice was always either Bruno Mars or Elton John. (And I hate Bruno Mars with a passion - coincidentally it was the only music ex ever listened to) Of course, I'd have to pretend to fall asleep just to get him to stop.

It still makes me cringe to think of. His soppy, off-key voice, in his mind dripping with love and emotion. I would find someone singing to at the best of times unbelievably wet, yet alone songs I hated, sung with absolute sincerity.

I ran after a year of this.

I had an ex who always said 'I take gross exception to that' when I said something to him in an argument. I look back and think what a ridiculous pompous twit!

Very impressed at partridge managing a 2-year relationship without knowing the guy's name.

What's with some of these freaks and the baby voice?

These are hilarious. I had the guy who would talk to my fanjo in a baby voice. Made me cringe every time. "Oh hello, look at you. You are so pretty." Boak!

Took me three attempts to break up with him and he still didn't get it. When I started seeing current DP I told exDP I'd met someone new (in a vain attempt to get rid) and he asked if he could still come over at the weekend. Noooooo...

My most significant ex used to ask for blow jobs in a baby voice.

He was also weirdly jealous. I was 17 when we started seeing each other and once he found a valentine's card that a boy at school had sent me a few years earlier (at the bottom of a bedroom drawer), which he tore up in front of me. Cock.

He also cried. A lot. I think he thought it made him sensitive.

So glad this has been moved to Classics. :o

Why did he have a pseudonym though?

Another couple...I said I quite liked dragon tattoos..next time I saw him which was about 4 days later he had had a huge one down all the way down his arm. We'd been seeing each other for two weeks...

Different bloke..night we moved in together he cried..cos he was missing his mum. He said " we can still go round to hers every night to watch telly though can't we?!"

My ex wrote me a poem that had the following gems in it:

Your hands are soft like pillows.

Your body is strong, like a tree trunk.

Your teeth are like massive pearls. (Massive?!)

After I dumped him a few of my friends saw him in the pub dramatically dragging his blunt keys across his wrists and wailing.

Why have I only just noticed this thread. Most hilarious thing ever!

(will never look at another Poundstretcher in the same light again)

I went out with my ex for 2 years and realised at the end of it that I had never known his real name. We met in circumstances that could have compromised his career - he was very ambitious and also very neurotic that he could be busted.

His pseudonym was ridiculously implausible in retrospect - think Bond villain name (he was a different nationality and claimed he had anglicised it). When I was worried about him and was trying to track him down, my colleagues started pissing themselves when I told them his "full name". The penny dropped and I was very . They took the piss out of me relentlessly for weeks and I ditched the narcissist. Sounds ridiculous - we were very intimate and I knew things about him he hadn't told anyone else. Just not his name.

Afterwards I realised why he had always tried to avoid me looking at his bank cards .

An ex from years ago, used to slap my bum on average every 5 minutes. It didn't matter where we were - walking down the street, at a shopping centre, in front of parents, it didn't matter - Every so often there would be this resounding slap across my arse (think Chandler's boss in friends, and you get the picture)
I spent most of the very short relationship batting his hand away.
(sometimes he would vary it slightly, it would be a creepy tapping/cupping of hand around bum ).
I think his hand had a mind of its own, like hand from Adams Family

Any ex that refers to sex as 'making love' goes directly in to my own personal room 101.

I once ended up in bed with a rather mature gent who when he got undressed was wearing a pair of old baggy greyed pants. When he took them off he was wearing a leatherette thong underneath, I suppose because he though it looked sexy and would turn me on...it didn't, he looked stupid and didn't have a good body either. Oh, and it made his balls really clammy. That was cringy.

Another man asked me if I'd "like to make a little love". Eww! Shamefully I didn't say no, but in my defense I was a lot younger.

Thankfully I can't recollect any of my - ehem - wonderful exes ever doing that baby voice thing but I may have erased that from my memory for the sake of sanity

You have reminded me of the one who went on holiday to America without me but with a 12 box of condoms in his suitcase.

He too returned with a set of navy blue silk pyjamas ( yuck) for himself and nothing for me, and without the box of condoms.

Swore he had missed me and been faithful- when I asked what happened to the condoms he said he had given them to another bloke on the holiday who had got off with a woman. Really!

Susunsus, that made me laugh, an xbf was like that too, while I was thinking 'come on we're not in a bistro in the south of france fgs"

Ooh! Moved to Classics. Our bad taste in men can live on forever now

An ex of mine used to do impressions from Blackadder, in particular saying the word "etty-quetty" at every opportunity. I wanted to stab him in the eye.

That on it's own probably wouldn't have been enough to break up with him for but he was also tight-fisted (he gave me a jar of humbugs, a set of books worth £1.25 each and a boomerang for our first Christmas together and they were all secondhand as they'd been sat on the shelves of his bedroom since we first met) and he wasn't skint either, just tight. He'd spent several months hinting at wanting a new watch and a Discman player (90's) from me so I should have run a mile then.

He was selfish, attempted to be unfaithful at least three times (and failed as far as I know but only thanks to those three women having better taste than I obviously did) and for some reason he decided that he wanted to model his appearance on Vladimir Lenin, something he still thinks suits him to this day.

Worst of all, and this is the very worst, during a stop off in Thailand on the way to Australia he bought a pair of black silk pyjamas which he insisted on wearing all the time when he was at home because he thought they made him look like James Bond, and a purple silk shirt with big white flowers on it and his mother, father and brother all bought identical shirts which they wore without irony or shame when out together! Everywhere. And I had a similar one from C&A that I had to put in the bin because of the horror of it all!

His mother still wears hers!

When he proposed to me in front of a jewellers window in a packed shopping centre at Christmas the only possible thing to do was say "Oh my God, NO!" and run for my life.

A lovely ex who just wasn't the one used to exclaim "oh my word…oh my giddy aunt" during sex, so that was obviously never going to work out.

And the one who mis-interperated my valentine card as a death-threat and turned out to be using me to make another woman jealous. Which didn't work so he left me for the other woman's sister and ended up being beaten up by her not-quite-ex boyfriend when he got out of prison. Lucky escape with that one. He was short, stupid and very bad in bed but for six insane weeks I did my best to convince myself otherwise.

The valentine card was quite a simple one, it said "Guess who…" on the front and "…loves you?" on the inside. He decided that the 'Guess who' part was a threatening message from someone who had previously threatened to beat him up and he went into hiding for three days which meant he made his mum answer the door and his phone while he stayed in his bedroom

Fortunately at this point I met DH, who is lovely, mostly normal, and doesn't dress like his mother, reference female relatives during sex or assume that Hallmark are agents of the mafia.

Oh, I remembered something worse. Feeling guilty that our sex life was so shit - with me being 20 and him 40 I assumed I had to be at fault - I tried to spice things up and copied a raunchy line from a Cosmopolitan article into a Valentine's card (or birthday card, they were both in the same week). I still remember it, 'When I think of you I have to cross my legs.' I found it quite eww, why would you have to cross your legs, would things really get that messy? But I thought he'd like it. Actually he looked the very opposite of turned on!

About a week later I went round and the card was on display in his living room! His flatmate must have read it, his parents, maybe even his daughter. He was completely bewildered that I was embarrassed. Cards were for displaying, even with filthy messages in them. Now I suspect he deliberately left it out for his loved ones to read to show off his 'prowess'. When he moved into a rented room he again put the card out on display for his landlady and husband to read. When he was out I tore it up and threw it away and he never mentioned it again. On the off-chance he's reading here, you had zero prowess R. Remember that time you sulked because you thought I faked an orgasm? I faked all of them. I had my first orgasm about a year after we split.

I had one who after 'completion' STILL INSIDE ME started talking about a TV show we had watched prior to the act - couldn't understand why I was put out at all.

Also used to try to squeeze our sweaty chests together after every sex session to make that horrible whole body fart thing. He found it hilarious!