Cringeworthyness of ex partners....

Oooh. I had one that substituted his hand too!

zwei, that is fabulous.

The idea that you just wouldn't notice.

I saw an ad for Dolmio last night and instantly thought of this.

I am permanently scarred.

OMG. Can I add someone who had erectile dysfunction yet didn't think I would notice he used his hand to "make love" er I'm a grown woman, I have done this before... did you think I wouldn't notice?

He didn't mention it in case it "put me off him". HA! Enjoy your solitary life...!

Had he mentioned any problem I was prepared to work with him to resolve or get by the problem. HE didn't - he lied by misrepresentation.

Ugh.

Giving oral during AF. Lovely.

I'm not sure I understand 'dolmio grin'.

Either he was really messily eating spag bol, or he was giving oral... Or am I completely off track here?

In the middle of sex he'd moan and say 'mmm, so good, have you been practising'.

Cringe.

"Dolmio grin"

Hahaha, never heard it called that before!

Eww I just remembered a date from hell I had when I was about 20. A bloke who, when it came to kissing, just put his open lips against mine, didn't move them at all, and instead stuck his tongue in my mouth and swirled it around again and again! . That was how he kissed. No variation on that technique. I can only guess he read about it in some shit lad mag or something. For some bizarre reason I went on a second date, hoping it was a one off, and he did it again. I didn't know him well enough to tell him he was doing it wrong, so just ignored his calls after that

RXQueen I'm hearing that in the stuttery voice of Alan Stathem from Green Wing.

Omg!!

gave himself a dolmio grin.

then looked up at me with a pleased expression on his face, like REALLY FUCKING SMUG, and said "tell me something"

i think he was expecting "i love you".

i didn't.

One ex used to sing in the supermarket. 'In the middle of Tescos / between the chicken and the be-e-ef...'.

He also had a massive cock, it must have been 8 inches flaccid. And he loved swimming, but always wore tiny speedos. I remember swimming away from him at speed every time we went to the local pool.

Another ex was a clothes-folder. And I always knew when he was in the mood because he'd put Enigma on the stereo. I can't listen to it without remembering his ugly cock - it was like a dripping candle.

I've actually thought of another big squeamish moment with clegnut man. I'd blocked it out.

I was 17, clegnut man and I had been together since we were 15. It was New Year's Eve and I took clegnut man out to the pub with my college friends.

It was fun, everyone had a few drinks. Clegnut man seemed to disappear but I just assumed he was off doing his own thing and carried on having a laugh.

Until one of my mates dragged me off as the new year count down started, and pointed into a corner.

Where Clegnut man was busily groping and licking the back of an enormous old woman's throat.

I cringed Then dumped him.

Clegnuts, that's got me howling

Went out with a bloke once who must have been a virgin coz him the throes of passion said "you have a beautiful vagina"

I hate dragon tattoos now!!!!

kumamon That is bizarre. The last sentence doesn't even make sense.

PrimaDonnaGirl That is superb! I wonder if it still makes him think of you . I was going to mention that one ex came to pick me up one day with a completely bald head after I'd mentioned that I liked the feel of skinheads when they were fuzzy but yours beats that!

Ooh, I had an ex, who I was going out with Christmas 1996 when the Spice Girls where in the charts. Anyway, one night as we just started shagging, he whispered in my ear "two become one". Ugh.

He got binned after that.

My ex liked to think of himself as a strong communicator.

The following is from a completely serious email to his Mum after there was some mix up regarding when they were visiting him. I've just included some of the highlights. The best bit is it was addressed to her actual name, rather than 'Mum' - indicating displeasure...

"I had no consultation from yourselves that you were intending to stay an extra weekend...

I would ask you to reflect on your own communication during this matter. At all points when we have talked I have done my best to lay out a plan of action, discuss any issues of concern, and work towards a constructive solution. I do not appreciate being put in a position where being 'annoyed' or 'disappointed' at my attempts to build a workable compromise between multiple parties is viewed in such a manner."

Shia, I reckon your ex misheard "Smallish" for "More-ish"

I had 2 hilarious dates, not ex partners but still funny all the same.

One guy met up with me. I was talking to him about the new Superman film (I'm a fan of the old films) and he looked me in the eye, deadly serious, and said "I WILL fight Superman for you."

Another (rather odd) man said, mid-date, "I hope you don't mind me saying this...but you are a scrumptious sod."
Quite a compliment!

I had an ex who was quite posh in a slightly Eurotrash way. He dressed a bit like he was from the 1800s and was quite very vain. He loved the poetry of slumming it with a poor artist (me) until the reality of sticky-floored pubs and uncouth working class friends became a bit much for him. Anyway.
The moment I knew it was over was when I had a plumbing emergency in my flat while he was cleansing his face. I found myself under the bath with a spanner dealing with a leak and asked him to please stop running the tap for a moment. He shrieked 'but I've got soap on my face! My skin will dry out!' All remaining sexual frisson evaporated immediately.