Cringeworthyness of ex partners....

This thread... I can't even...

Awh... I think pompadoms is quite cute!
The folding the clothes guy. I had one of those. He'd strip the bed after sex. He went down below once & ran to the bathroom straight away to wash his mouth out with Listerine. Also didn't want me to return the "favour" as he believed blow jobs were degrading to women... He always had clammy hands too. Urgh!

God my first boyfriend was a nobhead. He was beyond juvenile and it used to wind me up something rotten. For example if we got off the bus I'd say "thank you" to the driver and he'd say "I love you" to him then piss himself laughing He also used to do stupid things like scare people in shops by jumping out from behind shelves (usually little old ladies already on the brink of cardiac arrests) and would think it was funny to shout random words like 'gay' in the middle of the street then pretend it wasn't him. Think Dik and Dom in Da Bungalow, except very unfunny and embarrassing.

His mates were just as bad. One of them once poured a pint of lager on a random girls head in a pub because 'he thought it would be a laugh'. Another time they (along with my boyfriend) went to a party at a student house, drew penises all over their walls and set off all the fire extinguishers. because I didn't find this funny I was a 'humourless saddo'. We were 18 btw.

He wondered why I dumped him and then proceeded to stalk me for six months and wouldn't get back with him. Ooh, I wonder!

Went on ( our one and only date!) went to some pubs in glasgow and one way home I stopped for some chips and curry sauce ( as I am a classy burd) only to be told by him 'that I shouldn't be eating that and at this time of night as it will go straight to my hips!

Then his mum came to pick us up( he was very much precious son) and as we were only 18, glasgow was much too scary at night for her son to travel home .... Anyway, they both spoke in Italian all the way home completely ignoring me apart from bits I could understand like my name and places we'd been too. Discussing our date in front of me! Cheeky fuckers!!

Dumped pronto!

My ex

• ate with his mouth open
• had his bedroom completely covered with Liverpool tat, and also had a tattoo of the Liverpool badge that he would kiss
• once punched a mirror in anger and the thing didn't even break it was hilarious I couldn't help but laugh

At university I misguidedly slept with this bloke once. Next day he told me proudly that he'd phoned his mother (?!) to tell her he'd had sex with someone 'and she wasn't surprised'.

I beat a hasty retreat, as you do, but it was a small university and he became mates with my mates. One day we were all in his room, and when the conversation went dead he purred seductively to me 'why don't we ask them all to leave so you and I can have a shaaargh, then.'

WTF?! No.

My wanker ex used repeatedly to argue with me about a minor detail of the way female anatomy works. He was wrong, but what got me was we'd have this argument multiple times, as if he somehow imagined one day I'd figure it out. We split up quite a few years ago, and on the (rare) occasions I meet him socially, his entire small-talk is limited to discussing our sex life. Our sex life wasn't that interesting when we were having it, it's sure as fuck not interesting to go over it again in public!

What is it with blokes feeling the need to let everyone know you've slept with them?! Surely if they were any good, you'd still be doing it, so they're actually advertising the fact they were not good enough in bed to keep you?

I had a boyfriend at uni who once tucked his bits between his legs to look like he had a fanny while doing a Vic Reeves impression oh the shame that I ever found him attractive. WTF is wrong with some blokes?

My friend used to go out with a guy who tied a shoelace really tightly around his cock and balls every time they had sex.

These are hilarious.

My whole ex is cringeworthy. Looking at him now makes my skin literally crawl off my body

He used to sound like he swallowed a thesaurus, he did it to appear intelligent and try and belittle you because of your stupidness.

Eurgh he's disgusting too, doubt he has ever changed his bedding.

Why oh why is love blind? And why didn't anyone tell me what a cock he was/is?

shame he's dds dad and I still have to see him occasionally

I am sorry for your troubles, but very glad to hear there isn't two of him. What a catch!

I kept my straighteners, I was poor! Convinced myself the heat would get rid of any nasties...

Shia I HATE people who say "Oh I can't pronouce x" - yes you bloomin' well can, you just choose not too arrrggghhh

And a quick advanced search shows me I have discussed him on a "host from hell" and a "Round Robin letter at Christmas thread". I am clearly more traumatised about it than I thought. I'd forgotten they also send twee RR letters. (I bet they call each other Mummy and Daddy as well.)

I had been seeing this guy for a few months and was going abroad for a year with university. My parents were driving me to the airport but he wanted to come too to say goodbye. He drove separately in his own car and called me 'by accident' as we were driving, all I heard down the phone was his overly dramatic wailing and crying. That was just one of many ridiculous incidents that happened over the course of the year. I can't believe I kept on going on and off with him in a long distance relationship for the whole time.

Ha ha, Judy, I did. On one of those weekend from hell threads! Possibly a host from hell/guest from hell type of thread.

And he wouldn't let me use the phone to ring my Mum, or have a shower. And made us play Trivial Pursuit all weekend. Knobber.

Drank

"This is not one of mine, but a dear university friend of mine eventually married (how could she? how?) a man who had a glass cabinet built specially at the top of his stairs for all hus Chelsea shirts and a shelf full of Erasure boxed sets. "

Rings a bell! Did you go stay with them once and post about it? If not you have a friend in common.

Have I mentioned recently how much I cherish being single?

I was once asked out by a rather short man - maybe 5'1 or so - who was very sweet and smiley so I said yes. He clearly decided to butch himself up a bit, so turned up in head to toe military camouflage accessorized with gold medallions.

The snow washed denim bod sounds a leedle bit like Mr Union Jack underpants in all honesty.

Oh god, I'd forgotten another one not mine!

This one so wins the prize I think you'll find.

My friend in 6th form.....going out with a feller-me-lad who insisted on making lurve, on the living room carpet, with the curtains open (no nets) whilst eating pork pies.

Then (obv she told us all this and we shrieked in horror clutching our faces like you do in a scary fillum) when we were all out and about, he'd suddenly say, a propos of nothing in the conversation "fancy a pork pie when I get home" and we'd know exactly what he meant the dirty fecking pervy porkpie eater.

Oh these are making me feel better about my past.

1. Union Jack underpants and a Bonny Tyler circa 1984 (well, it was actually 1984, but still....) hairdo. Him and his brother had 4 pairs of the union jack pants between them and were proud of the 4 pairs lasting a whole month.

1. The Virgin. Now I know that we all have to go through it, and someone kindly did it for us, but the whole "no, not there, there, up a bit, left a bit, down a bit NOT THAT HOLE!!!" thing was a bit offputting.

1. The Depressed Goth. Penchant for pistachio green crushed velvet and drew flowers on his face. Referred to me in the 3rd person even when talking face to face to me and used to break into our house to leave me love poems lying round. Bumped into him by accident years later and had a pint with him and woke up next morning to find a note shoved under my door saying "was I really that bad?" Er, let me think for a nanosecond. He took me home to meet his parents once and I had to pretend I was a) younger than him b) still at university c) Catholic -none of which was true. His mother spent the entire 2 days showing me her painted egg collection and I had to sleep next door at "Aunty's" in case anything non-Catholic went on.

1. The Scientologist. Took me up to his boudoir, lay me on the bed, and opened a cupboard which was full of a) L Ron Hubbard videos b) packets of tissues. Reader, I fled.

1. Lovely Welsh Boy from university who got up in the middle of the night and wee'd all over his room while I lay with my head under the covers trying not to get sprayed. Next morning I sneaked off leaving my wonderbra down the side of his (damp) bed and he brought it into the (crowded) bar that evening "you forgot this!"

1. Giles. The name is probably enough, but when he hung his beige mac carefully on the back of my door I just said "I can't do this, I am sooo sorry" and shoved him, and his mac, back out into the cold.

This is not one of mine, but a dear university friend of mine eventually married (how could she? how?) a man who had a glass cabinet built specially at the top of his stairs for all hus Chelsea shirts and a shelf full of Erasure boxed sets.

Another friend of mine had a boyfriend she loved v dearly (though we loathed him) and he used to sit across a crowded table mouthing "love you" to her, at which she would mouth back "me too" while we all projectile vomited into our bowls.

And what is it with some men, who when they want a shag, wave their (floppy) willy at you in an 'enticing' way. Is that supposed to be a turn on?
It's not.
Always made me feel like a donkey with a carrot being dangled in front of it for a treat. Just no.