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Original poster

Reworking of popular television programmes

83 replies

TalcAndTurnips · 21/07/2014 16:38

I posted this by mistake in AIBU? - the clot I am. I'll try again.

I am working currently on an idea for a Deal or No Deal upgrade called Oh For Fuck's Sake Just Open The Bloody Box And Stop It With All The Sentiment And Superstition And Shove That Fecking System That You Thought Of Based On Your Grandchildren's Birthdays Written On A Piece Of Envelope Up Where The Sun Doesn't Shine.

There would be no floral shirts, cowboy boots an bouffant middle-aged hairdos allowed. It would last around five minutes and would consist of people standing in a semi-circle in dead silence opening their boxes one by one with an automatic offer generator flickering in the corner.

When an offer was finally accepted, some old cove in Farah slacks would wander on and chuck an envelope with the appropriate winnings at the contestant. Cue adverts.

Have MNers got any ideas for similar programme improvements?

A modern version of Top of The Pops where the presenters don't interfere with the studio audience?

Match of the Day with no football?

All-nude Emmerdale?

OP posts:
JennyOnTheBlocks · 22/07/2014 15:56

MC Hammer House of Horror

The one time pop-funkster turned preacher presents badly faked massacres and bewitchings whilst dancing to his latest crazy beats

Fiderer · 22/07/2014 15:52

Mardy You've made me Grin after a rotten day at work.

West Wail Liberals gather in Cornwall to bemoan the decline of democracy.

MardyBra · 22/07/2014 15:37

What about the following?

Pat Cash in the Attic
Episode 4 Pat rigs a net over a period sideboard and practises his serve.

House of Curds. Kevin Spacey whips up lemon curd mini-tartlets.

Plaid Men Don Draper models the latest tartan.

MardyBra · 22/07/2014 15:13

I know a commissioning bod for telly. Maybe I should show him this thread. Wink

punygod · 22/07/2014 08:08

Wish I was, Talc.

iklboo · 21/07/2014 22:21

Dolby City - like Casually, but with really good sound.

Elledouble · 21/07/2014 22:17

Gnomes Under The Hammer. Lots of people bid for the opportunity to smash tacky garden ornaments with blunt objects.

Original poster
TalcAndTurnips · 21/07/2014 21:57

punygod - are you actually a commissioning bod for television? Your ideas have Channel 5 written all over them - inspired.

I'd quite enjoy Unembarrassing Bodies. Honed Adonises walk in to Christian Pixie Dawn land and flop their tackle out on the examining couch. When asked what seems to be the problem, the patient just grins and replies: Nowt - it's fecking magnificent, ain't it?

OP posts:
Boaty · 21/07/2014 19:25

Match of the Day-
Coverage of the tiddlywinks league
OR
Football with live commentary from ex-players MIL
'the little boy in red passes to the little boy in blue...ooh the dirty boy just spat..doesn't he have a hankie?'

Fiderer · 21/07/2014 18:50

The Generation Game

People of various generations rolling past on a conveyor belt while being pelted with home-made dough and sloppy pottery.

Hit 3 grannies in a row and you get to take home a cuddly BBC executive.

punygod · 21/07/2014 18:35

It's A Cockout.

Where most of the seventies are re-enacted by people in giant outfits, doing assault courses.

JennyOnTheBlocks · 21/07/2014 18:34

Crouching tiger, dragons den

Hilary de Vey and Duncan Bannatyne practice round-house kicks on the worst ideas from unsuspecting entrepreneurs

Fiderer · 21/07/2014 18:32

Grin Mardy

Original poster
TalcAndTurnips · 21/07/2014 18:31

I can see Lord Sugar in studded, hand-tooled leather. He descends from his helicopter, swinging out one fishnet-clad leg and then the other.

You're FIRED - but here's my number.

OP posts:
MardyBra · 21/07/2014 18:30

Point Less.

A show in which people point less than normal.

MardyBra · 21/07/2014 18:28

The Saucier Apprentice
A bit like normal Apprentice, but Alan Sugar and Nick Whatsit have to wear nothing but stockings and suspenders, whilst perched behind their translucent turquoise table. Karen Brady is a much classier act in Agent Provocateur undies.

punygod · 21/07/2014 18:27

The Gone Show.

The studio sits empty. The sofas are unassailed by z-list bottoms. There is no inane chat, no patronising features, no mortified guests whoring themselves out to flog a book/record/programme.

It's bliss, and the theme tune's ace:

"Gooooone! Goooone! Goooone! Gooone! GOOOOOOONE!"

punygod · 21/07/2014 18:24

Come Mine With Me.

Four attention-seeking fuckwits get sent down into a dark pit where no-one can see them, hear them or even know they exist.

punygod · 21/07/2014 18:21

Maybe Later with Jools Holland. Or Maybe Not.

punygod · 21/07/2014 18:20

Doctor Who Gives A Fuck?

Shall we whizz through time and space to help save/defeat an alien race with a face like a bucket of guts?

Nah. I'll stay in the Tardis and shag the young and winsome assistant who is inexplicably attracted to me.

JennyOnTheBlocks · 21/07/2014 18:17

Embarrassing Bodies Blind Man's Buff

Dr Christian and team have their eyes closed but are given 20 mins and some gloves to diagnose patients

Fiderer · 21/07/2014 18:15

MasterMicrowaver

8 contestants. 6 dishes. Cooking doesn't get easier than this.

Those who climb over others (maiming and gouging permitted) to get to the plastic trays go onto the next round.

The semi-final: the 4 who manage to read the instructions.

The final: the 2 who manage to Prick with a Fork.

The Winner: the one who puts the food on a plate.

JennyOnTheBlocks · 21/07/2014 18:13

'Stab wound coming in, eta 5 mins'

Zoe 'oops, someone's going to need a new shirt' and off she teeters to the chocolate vending machine

Original poster
TalcAndTurnips · 21/07/2014 18:09

I love Casually Jenny. Grin

I can see some poor unfortunate turning up with an axe buried in his cranium. The triage nurse looks up from her Take A Break, raises one eyebrow as she chews gum - and goes back to the article she was reading.

The junior doctors are playing trolley racing up and down the corridors. Charlie is having a kip in Crash.

OP posts:
Original poster
TalcAndTurnips · 21/07/2014 18:03

Flashcard EastEnders - where they are only allowed to communicate by holding up bits of cardboard box with words on.

The complication is that there is a limited selection of words available.

These are:

Princess
Geezer
Luv
Cafe
Lager
Yeah?
Ohdomeafavour
Nan
Ain't
Bastard
Cheating bastard
Janine
Kirov Ballet

OP posts:
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