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Original poster

Reworking of popular television programmes

83 replies

TalcAndTurnips · 21/07/2014 16:38

I posted this by mistake in AIBU? - the clot I am. I'll try again.

I am working currently on an idea for a Deal or No Deal upgrade called Oh For Fuck's Sake Just Open The Bloody Box And Stop It With All The Sentiment And Superstition And Shove That Fecking System That You Thought Of Based On Your Grandchildren's Birthdays Written On A Piece Of Envelope Up Where The Sun Doesn't Shine.

There would be no floral shirts, cowboy boots an bouffant middle-aged hairdos allowed. It would last around five minutes and would consist of people standing in a semi-circle in dead silence opening their boxes one by one with an automatic offer generator flickering in the corner.

When an offer was finally accepted, some old cove in Farah slacks would wander on and chuck an envelope with the appropriate winnings at the contestant. Cue adverts.

Have MNers got any ideas for similar programme improvements?

A modern version of Top of The Pops where the presenters don't interfere with the studio audience?

Match of the Day with no football?

All-nude Emmerdale?

OP posts:
PrueDent · 23/07/2014 04:10

The Great British Rake Off
Middle class families compete to have the neatest, most weed-free garden.

Homes Under The Hammer
Derelict and manky homes are declared unfit for purpose and destroyed by a combination of wrecking ball and sledge hammer.

Antique Road Show
Julia Bradbury and Tony Robinson host this series which sees them travel the length and breadth of Britain in search of the oldest roads. Highlights include a collection of potholes in Milton Keynes and a Linconshire street so narrow that neighbours who park outside their own homes are likely to receive nasty letters from other neighbours.

Constipation Street
This latest documentary from Channel 5 offers a fascinating insight into the effects of a poor diet among the working class in a suburb of Manchester. Gillian McKeath hosts.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 23/07/2014 00:32

I'd like Ch5 to do "Unbroken Britain - life without benefits"

A shockingly ungritty documentary where a middle income family calmy discuss whether to upgrade their four door Ford Focus or buy new Velux blinds for the conservatory.

MeanAndMeaslyMiddleAges · 23/07/2014 00:21

The Crystal Meth
5 contestants are locked in cells and forced to consume a kilo of meth in 2 minutes whilst Richard O'Brien plays the harmonica and calls them 'bitch'.

Original poster
TalcAndTurnips · 23/07/2014 00:05

Her real name is Florence Winsome Dymmock. Now there's one for Baby Names.

OP posts:
MardyBra · 23/07/2014 00:01

I just hope Wincey won't be doing Jezza Paxman.

Original poster
TalcAndTurnips · 22/07/2014 23:59

What would Wincey Willis be doing at this point Mards?

If I recall correctly, she used to move the picture of the helicopter about on the map. I think we can probably replace her with a graphic.

OP posts:
MardyBra · 22/07/2014 23:53

I give you University Challenge Anneka.

This is a role reversal show in which Anneka Rice gets to answer obscure questions about atomic numbers and the painting of Gainsborough.

In the meantime, a bunch of student geeks don jumpsuits and are repeated filmed boarding a helicopter with a camera stuck up their arses. They must maintain a cheerful disposition throughout so as to appear a "good egg" rather than some uppity feminist who doesn't want their bum objectified on telly.

Original poster
TalcAndTurnips · 22/07/2014 23:50

Sterling work here on this thread - brilliant suggestions.

Television would be so much more diverting with programmes such as these. Grin

We mustn't forget the kiddies - so may I offer:

Randy Pandy - frighteningly explicit capers with the favourite 50s rag doll. Here We Go Lubey-Lou takes on a whole new meaning as Randy goes cruising up the Reeperbahn with Teddy in search of a 'live' stage puppet show.

Doggingtanian and the Three Lusterhounds - Like Dogtanian but set in the back of a Ford Cortina Estate in a car park in Epping Forest.

Bill and Ben The Grow-Pot Men - Two permanently wasted ageing hippies living in a terraced house in Plaistow that is actually a cannabis factory. Episode 5: The lads get busted by the Met again and manage to bribe their way home with the offer of some top-quality shit. In HD.

Very Blue Peter - you probably know where this one's going. See everything - including the one they laid earlier.

OP posts:
MardyBra · 22/07/2014 23:43

Flowers for Fiderer after her bad day.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 22/07/2014 20:57

Blind Date

Blindfolded guests pick out a Middle Eastern semi-dried fruit and eat it. Spitting, not swallowing, is expected. As far the stone is concerned, anyway.

JennyOnTheBlocks · 22/07/2014 20:49

Cuntryfile

MNers take turns to share their spreadsheets Grin

ChickyEgg · 22/07/2014 18:53

who do you think you parp b list celebs trace their ancestry by fart alone.

Tour de Francesca Annis who can cycle around the much loved actress the fastest..

kirstie's homemade mouse using decidedly less fabric than the last series

Fiderer · 22/07/2014 18:38

Have we had The None Show?

No one presents, no guests appear, no shite, no gimmicks.

CarpeJugulum · 22/07/2014 18:10

Celebrity Masterwind... the winner is the celebrity who farts the National Anthem all the way through.

iklboo · 22/07/2014 18:03

Donner Date - instead of faffing about in the kitchen on 3 nights, potential dates phone for a kebab. Best one (mildest food poisoning symptoms) wins.

bialystockandbloom · 22/07/2014 17:57

Carrie and David's Pop Sock - each week a neon-coloured lurex sock pens a tune in a different genre

Fiderer · 22/07/2014 17:37

Saturday Moaning Kitchen

Desperate sent by their agents odd-bods pretend they like food and sit in a corner sulking about the failure of their latest off-off-off-off West End mumble while Keith Floyd videos play disconsolately in the background.

Oh wait...

BackforGood · 22/07/2014 17:30

Could we have Come mime with me with some of those "interpretive dance" folk ?

Fiderer · 22/07/2014 17:07

SmugHeads

A team of insufferable know-it-alls are pelted with rotten eggs while reciting all the winners of the 1895 Biggest Git Competition. Any omission or wrong answer means shells inserted in the eyelids.

bialystockandbloom · 22/07/2014 16:57

The Only Way is Wessex - follow the lives of 19thC yokels as they farm, weave and drink cider.

Game of Thrones - quiz show where the top prize is a gold-plated toilet.

Cuntyfile - tour of the UK to find the biggest cunt

Have I Got Pews for You - showcasing the best of ecclestiastical furniture

Fiderer · 22/07/2014 16:51

Foyle's Bookshop

Michael Sad and Honeysuckle Chin-Up sit in a dusty wartime bookshop and wonder why they have no customers.

Fiderer · 22/07/2014 16:45

Murder She Committed

Chirpy and amiable ex-school teacher poisons, shoots and stabs to death those who have annoyed her in her sleepy seaside town.

The victims include:

Mr Forgetful the postman who could never find her parcels.
Mr Belch the butcher whose mouth was always full and who never washed his hands.
Mr Dazzle the sweep who kept trying to push his brush up her chimney.
Ms Lemon the librarian who had a stop watch to record lending times and refused to allow after-hours research.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 22/07/2014 16:35

I knew this would be you, Talc.

Celebrity Come Fuck With Me - inexplicable and outrageous practical jokes on a range of annoying hosts such as Jeremy Clarkson

PlumpPartridge · 22/07/2014 16:28

Breaking Badgers

A documentary about badgers who go bad after being evicted from their nests and barge around breaking stuff.

PlumpPartridge · 22/07/2014 16:27

How I met two broke girls - the next outing for Ted, Marshall and co after the end of the series.

Actually that probably is going to happen.

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