Oh do I have a new low in wedding poems for you...

Boiled

if you're joining this thread now, you just need to make a gift donation to the Wedding Thread Wishing Well.....

Wait... WHAT

What... The... Actual... Fuck?

BalloonSlayer - I really like that, it's a good idea!

The baby shower situation is as bad. All these people need a stern talking to about being grabby. I would be so ashamed if they were my kids.

My gob is absolutely smacked. I've never heard anything like it.

Have you replied OP?

Just read Tess's baby shower poem. Apart from being speechless
I actually want to meet these people. I want to study them and try and work out their motivation and reasoning behind it. Poor old greed, taken to heights it's never dreamed of before. And a fucking insult to poetry as well.

The cost of our new kitchen
Has set finances a-twitchin'
So instead of get a loan,
We decided to have a moan.

Instead of just enjoying our wedding day,
We decided our guests must pay.
Not only for their wine and meal
But our new kitchen was part of the deal.

Instead of doing this with good grace,
Some did not pay - it was a disgrace.
So we say, that is tosh!
We know you want to give us your dosh!

I'm just speechless! Have you replied yet OP?

I so desperately want to know what OP is going to do!

OP, please please deliver them a wishing well full of envelopes. Inside each envelope could be a fabulous mumsnet poem! They seem to be so stupid that it might take reading each and every one to get through to them.

And then send them an invoice requesting your money back

Tess could you not go all British on them and say.

Dear Grabby and Grabbetta

Thank you for the invitation to your "baby shower," which was charming. We loved the way parts of it almost rhymed!

I'm afraid that much as we adore living in America, and all you lovely Americans, "baby showers" are something that we Brits just don't do, so regrettably I won't be attending. Asking for lists of expensive gifts and implying that you will be angry if you don't get them is seen as rather shockingly ill-mannered back in England, I'm afraid. I will buy your lovely baby a small gift once they have arrived, as I usually do for all my good friends. Perhaps we will have become more American by the time you have your next "baby shower."

Hope you have a great time

Love Tess

It is psychologically intriguing, though, that there are people who think that converting revolting avarice into revolting verse will somehow take the edge off the horror.

Shows what they think of the intellect of their own wedding guests.

Wally - forget the wishing wells - set up a 'reply' website. All Mnetters can then forward their sometimes cute, often cheeky and in the OP's case, bloody rude poems, and you can send the response we would all like to - anonymously!

Someone mentioned tidydancer and her gluezilla thread. I think "are you on glue"? would be the best response to the cheeky beyond belief poem!

Hilarious thread; outrageous bride and groom.

There once was a cheeky young pair
Who thought asking for money was fair
They wrote a shit verse
Saying ‘Open your purse’
The response was ‘You haven’t a prayer’

tess, can we have their email address please? Can't believe that one!!

We could all reply
On your behalf
In rhyme, of course,
Just for a larf.

dido, loved the nursery rhymes.
puny, keep 'em coming!

Here's a little something for them...

I LOVE Dido's book of Bride's Nursery Rhymes.

We are awash with talented poets - MNHQ really should not miss this opportunity for another book.

We can have a brainstorm of topics required then a competition for each one. We have covered a fair few, but I reckon there's plenty more!

Good excuse, Tess! All the best.

Sauvignon - I'm also pregnant right now, in fact I'm due just two weeks after her shower, so my excuse will be that I know I won't feel up to it. Which I probably won't!

That is just the worst one ever. Who the hell though of the wishing well. That is just horrible. How do these people sleep.

I have reached that point in life
You all must recognise
When all the pies and cake I ate
Have settled on my thighs
My tummy is no longer flat
My bum has grown a bit
And so the upshot of this is
My clothes no longer fit
My jeans no longer will zip up
My blouses will not button
Across my bosom and my skirts
Make me look like mutton
And so kind friends, I think you will
All know where this is leading
A brand new wardrobe is the thing
Your dearest friend is needing
Nothing fancy, don't despair
Just High Street brands will do
I will accept vouchers of course
But cash is just fine too
And then I will look just dandy
To come and visit you!

When I look down at my chest
It really leaves me rather vex'd
I have no swelling - its akin
To tiny little aspirin
I'd love a cleavage to cut a dash
But for that I need some cash
So come and support my knocker inflation
By giving me a large donation.

Tess

I have always been a reasonably staunch defender of money requests at weddings though I've always drawn the line at poems. BUT THIS IS ALL APPALLING!