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Original poster

Oh do I have a new low in wedding poems for you...

620 replies

Weddingpoet · 21/07/2014 09:43

This is so going to out me but I actually don't care. I went to a wedding this weekend. We had to buy our own evening meal and the invitation said "no presents please, cash gifts only". There was a wishing well at the reception to but cash into (ringing the bell as you did ). This morning I received this corker which, obviously, I needed to share with you at once...

Cash we asked for because cash we need
For our kitchen to proceed
Having checked our wishing well
We think some people might not have rung the bell.
If you’re one who has forgotten
Don’t sit at home feeling rotten
Just use the bank details at the end of this ditty
And you can still contribute to our kitchen kitty

OP posts:
FatewiththeLeadPiping · 22/07/2014 12:13

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ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 22/07/2014 12:12

Bloody hell, Tess.

SauvignonBlanche · 22/07/2014 12:08

Short, sweet and succinct, trufflehunter Grin

SauvignonBlanche · 22/07/2014 12:07

OMG Tess, can you be 'busy' on the day of the party?

trufflehunterthebadger · 22/07/2014 12:05

Yet more money ? You're having a giraffe
But at least you gave Mumsnet a good old laugh

TessOfTheFurbyvilles · 22/07/2014 12:03

Sauvignon - very, very real I'm afraid.

I wish it wasn't, because this couple were one of the first to welcome us when we moved to the States, they turned up at our door to introduce themselves and were lovely.

It's hard to equate the warm and welcoming couple from that day, to the ones who have sent this poem, and the rather eyebrow raising gift list that was included.

Wineandcakes · 22/07/2014 12:01
Shock
SauvignonBlanche · 22/07/2014 11:56

TessOfTheFurbyvilles was that for real? Shock

vladthedisorganised · 22/07/2014 11:56

puny - pure genius :-)

TessOfTheFurbyvilles · 22/07/2014 11:46

The Mumsnet Book of Poetry anyone?!

punygod · 22/07/2014 11:43

It is Tuesday
In this house 'Blues Day'
The lack of money
Is just not funny
We're not getting married
I'm not up the spout
Opportunities for blagging
Have all run out
So putting it plainly
With no fake tact
I want some money -
Yours, in fact.

punygod · 22/07/2014 11:39
FatewiththeLeadPiping · 22/07/2014 11:38

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punygod · 22/07/2014 11:38

Our bathroom was looking quite outdated
So we've had it renovated
But now our towels look all sad
And the bathmat's just as bad
Crappy shower gel just won't do
And neither will shit shampoo
So if you want us smelling sweet
With fluffy towels to dry our feet
Please send us all your spare cash
So we can buy Molton Brown
And feel all flash.

DidoTheDodo · 22/07/2014 11:37

" The Grabby Bride's Book of Nursery Rhymes"
(copyright Dido productions)

Mary, Mary quite contrary
How does your wishing well grow?
With not enough dosh
We're crass not posh
And our kitchen needs stuff, you know.

Baa baa grabby bride
Have you any sense?
No sir, no sir but give me 30 pence
Ten for the wishing well
And ten for the meal
And ten for the kitchen fund....or hear me squeal!

Mary had a wishing well
It looked just like a bucket
And when her wedding day arrived
Her friends told her to... (oh, is that the time?)

TessOfTheFurbyvilles · 22/07/2014 11:34

punygod - I really think you could go into business with these, they're great!

pointythings · 22/07/2014 11:33

There was a young couple who wed
When their finances were in the red
So they made a big splash
By asking for cash
And lost all their good friends instead

Or alternatively

Weddings are joyous
Bank loans are for new kitchens
Don't combine the two

punygod · 22/07/2014 11:32

As you know we've bought a car
To meet our friends we travel far
We know you'd love to see us more
But to pay for petrol is a bore
So if you'd like to contribute
Cash or cheque, we'll not dispute
Just post it through our letterbox
Address it to 'The Grabby Cocks'

Bogeyface · 22/07/2014 11:32

SHIT SHIT SHIT sorry wrong thread, have reported

Bogeyface · 22/07/2014 11:31

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punygod · 22/07/2014 11:30

We had a shag
And what a drag
I'm now knocked up
So please cough up

Thumbwitch · 22/07/2014 11:28

Balls, forgot to refresh, didn't see it was already there, sorry! :)

TessOfTheFurbyvilles · 22/07/2014 11:27

Vlad - that is utterly brilliant. I'm giggling away!

WallyBantersJunkBox · 22/07/2014 11:22

Did they know that you can get a baby shower wishing well too?

www.WWWWW.com

I would advise all readers to go back and read the poem Punygod' posted in the voice of Alan Bennett. Sounds epic.

vladthedisorganised · 22/07/2014 11:20

Oh Tess, that's priceless!

So what gap in the market do we need to plug?

"You're invited to a little do
To celebrate our downstairs loo
For months we've tiled, installed and plumbed
For somewhere else to park our bum
And now we have the extra bog
We want our friends to be agog
But bathrooms don't just build themselves
We still need towels for our shelves
Some fancy soaps and bathroom mats
And a cute little 'IN USE' plaque
We know gift lists are quite passé
And so we'd like our guests to pay
A fairly generous donation
That we'll react to with elation
We'll get ourselves a wishing well
(Complete with tinkling little bell)
We don't like coins, but notes* will do
And we are sure you'll love our loo!"

(* minimum £200 donation per person appreciated)