ridiculous topics for marital rows

These are hilarious. I get SO MAD when my DH asks "how hungry are you?" before dishing up. I just want a portion a normal ADULT portion. I am not greedy, I am not dieting. I hate hate hate it. Just serve the fucking food damn you.

DH uses a spreadable er spread (rather than butter or marge) on his bread/toast etc. It contains about 20% butter.

He insists on calling it butter.

It isn't butter.

(We have butter in the fridge for baking.)

When he calls it butter I feel the need to point out that it isn't butter. He maintains that his spread has a stronger claim on being called butter than my chosen spread (generic supermarket buttermilk and veg oil spread). I maintain that that argument is irrelevant because I would never claim that my spread is butter and call it by its brand name and not butter.

We realised it had got out of hand when I noticed my DD2 looking slightly worried as to how she should refer to said spread.

Apparently "Daddy's disgusting cheap spread" is a bit aggressive according to DH.

(But I am right.)

DH only eats once a day (don't start me on that one...).

Quite often he will rock up at 6pm and say 'oh, nothing for me, I had a lunch'.

As I meal plan and shop accordingly, there will be food not cooked/eaten by his not having his chicken breast/pork chop/whathaveyou.

He then looks in the bin 'You do waste food!'

cue Krakatoa...

We have a running argument about which restaurant we got engaged in. A 37 year running argument. Seriously.

shobby - the Christmas Tree debacle in our house every year is exactly the same. I have these misty eyed visions of us all round the three, the smell of mulled wine in the air, the carols tootling in the background but what I actually get is the DCs avoiding us at all costs and me and DH screeching obscenities at each other.

Our biggest row was about the disposal of a tea bag though...

Putting up the Christmas tree......every year causes trouble! We get a real tree and for some reason always end up having a furious row when he is trying to jam the bloody scratchy thing in the base holder while I try to hold the sodding thing "straight! Straighter!!!! That's not straight!!!"
But the worst row ever was when we tried to put a greenhouse up together,.OH is a carpenter so apparently that means all instructions that come with anything to be assembled are superfluous...that led to me stalking off leaving him holding up a whole side of glass...

We also had a massive argument about him not wanting to have sex with me because he was too busy playing on the computer - I was heavily pregnant with ds2, raging horny and he was being extremely unfair by not attending to my needs :D I screamed, 'FINE, DON'T FUCK ME THEN', stormed off and immediately burst into tears :/ Then realised I was BU :(

But knackeredmum, buffalo mozzarella IS made with buffalo milk? Why would it be buffalo mozzarella otherwise? What was their reasoning for that?

ExH & I have had some blazing rows about games, mainly him beating me at them - I'm a terrible loser :/

If he beat me at a game it's because he is obviously either cheating or doesn't love me very much. I remember one game where he dared to knock me out of the game before the only other remaining player, I was adamant he should have left me till last! I recall screaming and crying at him 'but I'm your wife'!!!!

For some reason my husband gets irrationally annoyed if I pretend to have a tapeworm. By this I mean that once, when I was really hungry even thought I had eaten recently I said 'I'm hungry again - I must have a tapeworm'. He got a bit riled about it, so naturally I felt compelled to say it again which resulted in him getting increasingly furious and me finding it increasingly hilarious.

My dh does the "ill just have toast thing" it drives me fucking insane. What about the rest of us?

When we had just started living together now-DH stole a piece of toast that I had just buttered. He was on the wrong side of a very hissy fit and couldn't understand why I was so upset. Fucker's never stolen food from me since then.

Stbxh and I had a humdinger about spreadable butter. If it's not really hot,
I keep it in the cupboard. He always puts it in the fridge. It doesn't spread properly from the fridge. "But it says on the packet, it spreads straight from the fridge". "Yes DH, I appreciate that's what it says, but it actually doesn't, so I just leave it in the cupboard and then it's fine". Cue him having a massive, Basil Fawlty style rant about how he was going to report Lurpack to Trades Descriptions and how I was just far too accommodating and will always take the path of least resistance instead of "FUCKING SORTING THINGS OUT PROPERLY" We didn't speak for about 3 days

Our current row is the fact that we are soon moving house and DP has decided he wants to build us a wardrobe. Great idea and will help utilise the space we have as we are used to a very large built-in wardrobe currently. My reservation is that the last time a member of his family had an idea, it was his Dad ripping down the kitchen ceiling on Boxing Day with the intention of re-doing the kitchen and building an extension. That was 22 years ago and they are still without a kitchen ceiling...

Oh the driving in frosty silence has reminded me of another one.

I wasn't a very confident driver, DH is a terrible passenger.

We had a new car and were driving 50 miles to a wedding, we'd decided I would drive there to get experience of the car in the daylight, get a feel for the route, etc etc.

About 5 miles in, a big hay lorry pulls out at a roundabout on a single lane road.

DH: Watch! WATCH! Hold back! Watch OUT!

Me: (panicking at unseen hazard) what? What?

DH: those big lorries. They can topple over you know!

Me: thanks for pointing that out at the top of your voice and giving me a heart attack, I'll overtake when it's safe.

DH: NO! Do NOT overtake here!

Me: I won't, it's not safe here

DH: It's not safe here!

Me: Oh for fuck sake....

We rowed bitterly over opportunities for mature students on higher education and drove over 100 miles in frosty silence. We were 19 and 22 at the time.

We have a few:

When he does lengthy mental arithmetic for fun (nearly left him on a roadtrip in Oregon)

Rules of the road vs pragmatic behaviour for cyclists (he is one in London and had a nasty accident which involved 3 months off work so triggering, but ridiculous nonetheless)

How his IT/gadget illiteracy becomes my problem, usually when I'm trying to cook dinner

I do love him very much and we don't row often!

Food is probably what we argue about the most and its always the same argument.

Me: DH what would you like for tea? I've cooked all week and run out of ideas

DH: I don't know what do you want?

Me: if I knew what I wanted do you think I would be asking you what you fancied?

DH: Yeah but what do you fancy, If you tell me what you want I'll cook it.

Me; Its not the cooking, its the thinking of something to make that we haven't already had.

DH I'll just have some toast.

Me: and what about the rest of the family there's not just you that needs feeding.

at this point I give up and phone for pizza.

A thought has just occured. I wonder if Ikea have ever been blaimed in divorce procedings?

I once argued with my partner about the surname our non existent children would have if we were to have them before we were married. It ended with him saying 'fine then, we'll get married then if you are pregnant." and me then claiming "no, they are still having my my surname anyway".

We are now married, I have his surname and we still don't have children! It was the most pointless argument ever. As it happens, there has been discussions (suggested by my now husband) about any future children having my maiden name as a middle name.

IKEA: yellow bag (me) or trolley (him) why can't we just have both?

Me and DH had been joking around about what we would do in an Apocolypse. DH said I was too soft as I wouldn't want to eat the cats. Massive argument, especially as he said he would eat my Mum too if necessary!!!!
We shared this argument later with friends ( laughing about it by then)when we had all been drinking. Friend said " yuk no I wouldn't meat your Mum" to his GF and she had a massive strop that he wouldn't eat her mum and flounced off to bed.
DH was best man at their wedding a year later and he mentioned it in the speech!!

We argue constantly over which celebrity is dead and which isn't.

Internet was down the other day - hence a 40 minute debate over whether Eric Sykes had shuffled off this mortal coil or not.

ALSO - Pans in the dishwasher.
I maintain that:-
A) Pans take up too much room in the dishwasher - one pan takes as much space as 6 dinner plates.
B) Dishwashers do not clean pans properly. Food remains firmly welded to the pans bottom so muggins me has to rewash the pan the next day.

DH does not agree and repeatedly fills DW with pans.

I remove aforementioned pans and leave for him to wash (Im in charge of the drying/putting away).
He doesn't wash them.
I refuse to wash them - washing is his role in the kitchen.
Days pass.
Pans remain dirty
Evening meals turn into microwave meals which don't require pans.
DH sees error of his ways and washes pans.
Normal cooking resumes and pans get dirty.
DH puts pans in DW
I remove aforementioned pans ..................................et al!!!

SIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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My DH and I used to argue a lot. I was learning to drive with a driving school that had minis. We had a mini at home so it would be ideal for practice. On one occasion, my H sat in the passenger seat while I drove. It lasted 100 yards of his not liking what I was doing. I got out and walked home, leaving him to bring the car home.

He's been an X for 20 years....

Our rows in Ikea are mainly down to taste - I have it, he doesn't

He likes brown and our entire house would be decorated and furnished in shades of brown if he had his own way. I don't like brown to quite the same extent.

Last time we were there he wanted to buy some abstract-arty-farty canvas thing. I thought it looked like quite a nasty case of diarrhoea. It got quite heated and insults were thrown from both sides

On the plus side, the nasty diarrhoea-esque thing didn't make its way into our house