To ask you to tell me a story where your DC have humiliated you...

Today my DS (just 4) stuck his hand down his trousers at the end playgroup - fortunately just me and a couple of other helpers there - and said: 'Mummy - my willy is getting really big!!'

We were mainly in hysterics, but it was a tad cringeworthy.

Granny to DS: 'How tall are you now?'
DS to Granny: 'Nearly up to your nipple.'

DS to entire lounge audience in old people's home, on being kissed by ancient relative. "Cor that prickled!"

(Went down a treat, they all folded up laughing.)

DD (18 months) regularly decides she's had enough of us visiting someone, brings me my bag and shoes and tells everyone 'bye bye' (sometimes 15 minutes into the visit).

She also greets people with 'bye bye' when I open the front door...

Tears I'm laughing so hard! Thanks for sharing

at not believing in God, but believing in wine! My DS now 9 once ran up to a, shall we say defrocked shop mannequin, cupped its jubblies and shouted at the top of his voice "Look, Mummy, BREASTS!". I nearly died

Last week I took dd2 (4) for a wee in restaurant toilets. Cubicle next to us was occupied.

Dd2. " what's that noise?"
Me. " its the lady next door flushing the toilet"
Dd2. "Who is she? What's her name?"
Lady next door "she's Jenny.."
Dd2. "has she done a stinky poo?"

Silence

My friend didn't know whether to laugh or cry when she saw a picture on the wall by her Reception-aged son, of a bath with a leg pointing up out of it. The caption said, "my mummy shaves her legs."

The two that spring to mind are "my mummy has a bad in her pants". Said solemnly to the pharmacist in our local pharmacy. She didn't know where to look!
And "mummy why does that lady have a moustache or is she a man" said loudly in the queue at argos while staring and pointing at said lady.

We were at an outdoor performance of robin hood, my youngest was sat on my husband's lap, it was a really touching moment, robin was declaring his undying love for Marion it was very quite when she let out the loudest trump I have heard in my life! Everyone in the audience turned to look at my husband who was pointing at the youngest who was looking terribly proud of herself!

DM tells the story of how when I was small, I told a hooker to put some clothes on.

I don't remember it myself, but she sure does. We lived in a rather scuzzy block of flats when I was tiny and apparently, we passed her on our way out and I turned back and noticed how scantily clad she was and said 'It's very cold- you should put some jeans on..'

I was only trying to help! Poor woman didn't know what to do!

DS1 (now 15) came home from school when he was about 6 and told me "I told Mrs A today that you had no hair at all on your twinkle", couldn't look her in the eye for the rest of the year!

Attempted to get in to the Christmas spirit by taking DS carol singing around village (age 6), ending up with mince pies and mulled wine at the vicar's house. As DS is taking proffered drink from Vicar he tells him "My Mum doesn't believe in the God Stories…" and follows it up with his rationale for why he doesn't either - all to do with dinosaurs. I gave up trying to intervene and left him to it. This was on the same day that he went through everything on the "Christmas" rack in the chemist whilst we were in a long queue, loudly announcing "That's crap from China, that's crap from China, so is that crap from China…". Mortified. There was no room to hide!

Years ago (for those who won't remember) document copying was done in "Gestetner machines" which ran on some sort of horrible, spirit-based liquid

Teacher OH had remarked he needed some, and was horrfified when DS reminded him, at full volume in front of several elderly shoppers "DADDY, DON'T FORGET TO BUY SPIRITS FOR YOUR CLASS!!!"

Luckily this happened in a town some distance from home, otherwise he'd probably have lost his job ...

Dneff (4), in crowded pub garden: "Uncle Disgrace, is your willy big and hairy like Daddy's?"

DBro: "We don't talk about private bits outdoors. (Sotto voce) At least he didn't pull his out like in Tesco last week".

Dneff: "I heard that Daddy. It was all stiff, wasn't it?"

Me: "His speech has really improved, hasn't it?"

My young sons were having a squabble whilst we were shopping in Tesco, one shouts at the other 'I'm gonna get you and I'll make it look like a bloody accident!' All eyes were on me, I was mortified. Turns out they were repeating a line from The Cat in the Hat film. I was petrified they'd say it at school.

DS aged 4 sang 'gangnam style' at a Asian man in the supermarket then danced down the aisle. DH was with him and said he didn't know whether to laugh or cry. He hid in the freezer instead.

We have been doing rather a lot of the 'what's appropriate' chats recently.

I remembered it! It was so embarrassing I blanked it from my memory and it wasn't till reading these tyhat it came flooding back to me...

There is a fast food place similar to Macdonalds not far from where I live - I used to go there with my 2 and 4 year olds, as it has an indoor play area behind a huge glass window so parents can watch the kids play while they have a coffee.

I am 8 months pregnant with child no. 3 and enjoying a few minutes to myself while the kids play - when suddenly I hear laughter from the tables around me. I look through the glass window to the play area and there is my toddler, butt naked from the waist down, dancing on the bench in the window, waggling his willy at everyone bold as brass and loving the attention...

I dash in there to get him - when I am struck with the horrific realisation that if he has taken off his trousers, then somewhere in the 2 storey play equipment there must be a dirty nappy. Which I had to recover without anyone noticing... So I start trying to climb up the play fort - it is a staggered series of triangular shelves about 2 foot apart, with a narrow turn around space between each. I am 8 months pregnant, remember... I barely fit between the shelves and really struggled to turn in the gaps. All of which is fully visible through the huge plate glass window. 6 levels of wriggling my way through like a great huffing, puffing walrus... finally I get to the top and locate the offending nappy and trousers... I clean up and then realise I have two choices - the corkscrew tube slide, or the way I came.

I'll never remember how I managed to get out of that slide, it certainly wasn't with dignity or grace. I think the whole restaurant were watching by that point - my son still dancing away with no pants and his bright red whale of a mother, hair on end from the static, skirt somewhere up around her armpits, triumphantly holding up the trousers (and trying to hide the nappy)...

Another, in our local sells everything shop, dd and friend running around and hiding. Me and friend hear giggling in the bra aisle as the sprogs come out with a fucking huge bra, a cup on each head and run off around the shop. Shouting "we got mummy's bras"

In the p&c loo in posh shop with littlest fuckery. She was about 3 and had just been for a wee. I was desperately trying to have a wee and discreetly change my pad whist she was washing her hands (and the floor) of course she turns around, sees too much and yells " mummy mummy, you're bleeding. Get am'lance!" Opens the push up catch stands in the queue pointing and calling for an ambulance.

I think most of DDs finest moments have been in supermarkets.

We were at the checkout, and she was looking at me lovingly then all of a sudden said, loudly, "MUM? WHY ARE YOUR BOOGIES SOOOO BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG"

She used to say boogies instead of boobies, no idea why.

Then another time, as I was unpacking the shopping, I put the whole chicken on the conveyor belt...

DD - Is that a chicken?
Me - Yes DD.
DD - *Looks at it curiously. Where is it's head?!
(At this point the lady behind me, the man in front of me and a man from the check out next to us all looked over giggling)
Me - I'll tell you later.
DD - Tell me now? Mum? Mummy?! MUMMMMMMYYYYYY! mum mum mum mum mum muuuuuu...
Me - They cut it off so they can sell the chicken as food.
DD looked at me, her face went white and she cried ALL the way home telling anyone who would listen, between snotty sobs, that "Mummy cut the chickens head off"

My dd was clearly listening to the vicars sermon at Christmas, as in the silent bit before the hymn starts, she asked in a clear voice, 'mummy, what's a virgin?'

Recently I have been discussing what to do if someone pushes you scenarios with DD aged 7. She has been taught at school never to hit back which is all good, however I explained to her that at my school sometimes you would have to shove someone back and things were a bit different for children back then. Trying to give her a balanced view ( like an idiot)

At carpet time the next day she announces to the class and teacher " mummy went to a very bad school where she was told to hit others if they we're mean to her"

Cheers for that

Walking round Asda and dd (4) is counting things goinIn thrthe trolly. Then she grabs my top and says "one boob, two boon... MUMMY WHERE'S YOUR OTHER BOOB GONE? YOU HAD 3 THIS MORNING"

In a crowded public toilet, DS2 says (loudly): 'Mummy, are you doing a poo?'
Me lying: 'No.'
DS2: 'Yes you are! It stinks!'

Arrived at my parents' tea party with some rather elderly very 'naice' neighbours. Our 2 dss (then about 4 and 6) charged into the room and burst into a very loud song - the lyrics included the immortal words
'And the miner ... in her great big vagina...'

Never heard them sing in public before or since - let alone that song. The naice neighbours continued sipping their tea and we all pretended nothing was happening as my sons sang louder and louder...