To ask you to tell me a story where your DC have humiliated you...

My mum has dozens of these stories from when myself and DB were little! we were such a handful!

We lived in a very white area and we were on the bus when I was around 3 when a black man got on. My mum says she could see me gawking at him and she tried everything to distract me but I asked loudly, 'why does that man have a chocolate-y face?'

I also told my gran (dad's mum) that my mum hated her and I wanted all of her money when she died...

When dd was about 3 we went for lunch at the home of DP's friends.

Now their house was a little untidy, and I am a complete clean freak (clean the toilet 3 times a day, that kind of thing) Dp took dd to the downstairs loo while the rest of us stayed seated in the dining room. With in seconds DD's voice as clear as anything

"Daddy this is a very dirty toilet"
DP"shhhh"
DD" but it is a dirty toilet isn't it daddy? don't you think it's a dirty toilet?"
Dp " shhh Hurry up"
DD" mummy doesn't let me go in dirty toilets daddy, shall I ask mummy if this is a dirty toilet? I think it is a VERY dirty toliet"

I nearly died and the host had a face like a smacked dog's bum. Needless to say we have never been invited round again. In dd's defence it was a VERY dirty toilet

DD2 (6) asking in her best MC brat voice, as we walked past some nearby estate maisonettes- "those are SO small! I mean, how do you even get into them?"
Really loud and in a much posher accent than she normally uses
Yes, Dear Reader, the residents of many of the homes were well within earshot.
FWIW we live in a normal house 2.5 bedrooms, rather scruffy and the DCs unwillingly share a room - hardly palatial!

well i was sitting on the bus wearing a long skirt and no knickers as you do and my tiny son was clambering on and around me and he crept under my skirt and shouted 'ewww mummy you smell'!!!

I was in town with my DD (7) last week when she said to me in a very loud voice
'when we get home can we play with your vibrator Mummy?'

A few days before I'd had a new office chair delivered to the house, it is heated and massages and she loves playing with the different functions.

I got some very looks

This week's supermarket shopping list included Durex. I couldn't find them, so had to ask an assistant for directions. So obviously the walk from aisle 20 back to aisle 12 goes like this...

DS(2): MUMMY, WHAT ARE COM-DOMS?

Me: They're grownup things, come on.

DS: COM-DOMS COM-DOMS COM-DOMS MUMMY WHAT ARE COM-DOMS FOR?

Me: They're for ... making sure there won't be any more babies.

DS: COM-DOMS COM-DOMS COM-DOMS etc ad nauseam.

On the other hand, nobody overhearing would have blamed me for wanting to prevent further pregnancies...

spaghettimonster that's hilarious. No wonder you'd blanked it

When we had no hot water for days, and took the DC to shower at our local leisure centre, by the pool.

In then men's shower, an older guy strikes up conversation with DS:
"So, did you have a nice swim then?"
"I did not swim, we are only here to have a shower. We have no running water at home, you see, so mum said let's just sneak into the leisure centre. So that's what we are doing."

Silence

Blush cringe

When DS was aged 3, we spent the afternoon at a friend's communal pool (we lived abroad at the time). DS was being extremely naughty and kept dragging chairs round the pool, the scraping noises were annoying sunbathers and I was getting those sort of looks.

Anyway, I told him that if he did it one more time, we'd be going home. And yes, dear reader, being a 3 year old boy, he did it again. So, (going through a phase of 'sticking to consequences') I bundled him and our things under my arm and strode off to the car.

Cue DS shouting at the top of his voice SOMEONE, SOMEBODY HELP ME!!! HELP! SOMEONE!!

Little rascal. Very lucky I was not arrested.

DD1 was doing the 'pointing and naming everything we passed' thing, "dog" "tree" "bin" "VERY FAT LADY"

Supermarkets were my nemesis. She was an early talker and learned the word daddy, but applied it to all men as a question. Many horrified looking men as DD1 pointed and "Daddy?" I tried an airy "no silly, daddy is at work" but not one had the look of believing me.

"Why's that lady got a dog in the shop mummy?"
"That's a guide dog DD, he helps the lady as she cant see"
"Cant see is blind mummy, isn't it"
"Yes DD"
WHY IS THAT LADY BLIND MUMMY? DID HER EYES FALL OUT?
"I don't know DD, we don't know that lady, so we wouldn't ask, shh now"
"BUT I WANT TO KNOW WHY THAT DOGLADY HAS NO EYES"

Not as horrifying as my friends experience in the supermarket though. Her daughter, also a tiny early talker, they'd rocked up to the checkout, goods on the conveyor belt, when her DD points and shouts "monkey!" at the black checkout operator. She wanted to DIE, and apologised about 3 million times as the stony faced checkout operator slowly and silently rang through their shopping, and her DD continued to say it.

DS1 had supervised visits with his birth mum twice a week. I'd go for a coffee nearby and then collect him when the time was up. He called me 'Mummy Number Two'.

EVERY time I picked him up, the little bugger would run towards me yelling at the top of his lungs "Mummy Number Two's got BIG BOOBIES!" The first couple of times it was mildly amusing. It swiftly lost its appeal.

When my daughter was 2.5, we were going through a department store with her in a buggy. She wanted to get out, but we'd refused as we were in a hurry. She then yelled "Lady, help me!" at the next passer by.

Same child aged 4.5 on hols in Cornwall referred to a chihuahua dog in a very loud voice: "Mummy, look at that silly little dog!"
On seeing a man who was heavily tattooed (all over his face and head): "Mummy, look at that man, he's painted his head!"
In a cafe where there was a very portly man with a bald head:
"Look at the mouse on that man's head"
"What mouse?"
"No, the MOUTH at the back of his head"
(it was then that I noticed that the folds of skin at the back of the mans head/neck looks like a mouth.....)

'Mom, is that a lady or a man?' She was very young at the time tbf, and it was a woman with a very visible moustache. I apologised.

Loving this thread! Cooperv, you had me crying with laughter!

DD and DS are being brought up bilingually, as DH is German. When DD first started speaking I was out with her one day when she spotted a bird and started yelling "Vogel". Unfortunately it wasn't very clear and it sounded like she was yelling "f*cker" at everyone we walked past on the high street. Got a few odd looks that day!

When my DD was about 3, we were queuing in Tesco behind a short (about 5ft 3) man who happened to be wearing a gold chain.

She said really loudly "Mummy, look - that little man is wearing a necklace!"

This is hilarious - however my DS was/is preternaturally discreet from the start. Totally trustworthy - though he would ask his questions later when no-one could hear. He is now a teen and still takes in every detail but passes nothing on - except to me and at great length. If his teachers only knew the things he notices... Must be a gene for it!

Laughing out loud here again. My toddlers haven't done anything too embarrassing yet , but badgerina just reminded me of when I was a teenager in a deprived area. It had a lot of teenage pregnancies, and my dsis is a lot younger than me but looks very similar. One day while mum was out with her an old lady turned to her and said in tones of disgust, "isn't your daughter ashamed of making you look after her baby like that?"
I was only 14 at the time. Like I said it was a deprived area. But I could never walk round without thinking that that was what people thought....

My friend was in a corner shop with her son. A 'little person' was at the till and her little boy stood staring for a few moments, before loudly asking his mum "why that little boy had his dad's head on?".
The man was so polite about it all but my friend was MORTIFIED !!!!

Cooperv absolutely laughed my head off! Even did one of those silent laughs I was laughing that hard!!

I agree the bank job one is amazing

Am laughing sooo much at the bank job!! Hilarious

Where do I start:
everytime that we go swimming and he yells out, "Hello boobs, it's so good to see you when I'm getting dressed.
when he waved and shouted out "ARSEHOLE" instead of Bonjour everytime to saw someone on holiday in France.
When he toasted the couple at the restaurant by yelling out "cheers bigears". The man actually did have really BIG ears and wasn't amused.
When he invited the carpet fitters to "TICKLE MUMMY'S BOOBS".
When he couldn't resist tickling the elderly carpet fitters testicals as was bent on all fours measuring the stairs.

I think I have told this tale before but it IS worth repeating.....

Went to parent's night at Primary School and was directed to look at DD2's featured piece of work pinned on the wall, which went thus.....

We did not do anything at the holiday weekend because Daddy had to do a bank job. We will have a treat another day because Daddy gets a lot of money from bank jobs

This was illustrated with a picture of a very small bearded man, wearing a striped jumper and a mask making a hole in the wall of a big building with a BANK sign above the door.

Actually this was factually correct. DH spent the longer holiday weekends, on triple time, installing Cash Machines in bank buildings. The 'mask' was obviously (to us) his safety glasses. We did explain to the teacher but every parent attending would have seen this and drawn their own conclusions.

Mummy has a BEARD in her pants. Not a bad in her pants..

Not my DS (mercifully just 2 and not the clearest of talkers) but Dsis (there's a large age gap).

Dsis was quite sharp off her marks speech wise and insisted on calling me "mam" in the post office of my tiny home town. Cue an old dear complimenting me on my little girl. I could have died on the spot as I was 15 and looked 12-13 at best.

Also classic, me as one of the oldest of several bridesmaids, the littlest one pipes up mid-prayer "I've got a big black bogeyman up my nose ".

Walking along the high street DS 4 ...top of his voice "Mummy are you wearing your ladies nappy?" (Why oh why did I call panty liners that) a few weeks later same high street busy weekend market passing woman with arm amputated at the elbow. " Look Mummy that woman has been stealing " I have no idea where he got that from