Things I still wonder why the hell I did that as a kid...

What a great Sunday morning, reading all these, bloody brilliant! I was a complete knob and have many memories of doing stupid things. My stand out one though, is the time, aged about 10 that I decided I hated my whole family and came up with a cunning plan to kill them all
I was the only one who didn't like gravy, so my plan involved poisoning the gravy, whilst the meat juices were sitting on the worktop in a jug to separate, I added a really generous squirt of washing up liquid. Strangely Dad noticed whilst making the gravy and thus my cunning plan failed
It still gets trotted out by my parents at every opportunity, it was the first bloody thing they told DH. "Nice to meet you, has mypoo told you about the time she tried to kill us all?"

We all had fake names. Mine was Britney and we would speak in an American accent.

Sucking own arms to get love bites which were given by a made up 21 year old boyfriend who I used to pretend to call in a phone box.

I once told the class I had three phone lines in my bedroom. Caught out when someone came for dinner.

When Tiffany had Courtney in eastenders we re enacted the birth scenes with jumpers stuffed up our tshirts.

I would put an old bursted bowling ball down my top and stand at the bedroom window rubbing it hoping passersby would think I was pregnant.

We lived in flats and we would throw cups of water at people walking past.

These are so embarrassing and I have loads.

Going to the clinic and getting free condoms which we would blow up and put under jumper. We would be out in public like this and the offending pregnant one would be insulted and called a ho by the others!!!
We were not Sexually active but sex was a big part.

I used to really want long hair and so used a piece of cut off material to make myself a "plait" which I would add to my pony tail. (kind of like make-shift hair extensions).

Only the material was from Laura Ashley, was navy blue with big yellow daffodils. I used to wear this IN PUBLIC.

My friend and I also staged a demonstration entitled "We want a dog". We both marched around the block with signs made from post-it notes and rulers and stood at the junction to the main road chanting "We want a dog, we want a dog". Amazingly, her parents bought her one. Jealous, I used to accompany on the dog walks with my own version - a stone tied to a piece of string.

I have always been very good at accents and aged about 12 on a campsite in France, decided to tell the other children I met that I was from Liverpool. This meant I had to speak in a Scouse accent for three weeks' solid. Unfortunately, I had no answer to the question why my siblings were not scouse, or why, when they asked for my address at the end of the trip, that my house was in Yorkshire.

I didn't like maths at secondary school, and I didn't work as hard as the teacher would have liked. So, when I arrived at my maths class and realised I'd forgotten my exercise book, I realised I'd be in trouble if I didn't think of something fast. Luckily, we were doing SMP, and as a result, worked by ourselves.

So as the rest of the class knuckled down, I pretended I hadn't quite found my book yet and was still having to look for it. As I hadn't attracted the teacher's attention, I carried on 'searching'.

Still not a flicker of interest from the teacher, who was seated about 12 feet away.

I spent a full half hour lesson frowning and rummaging through my school bag, imagining that I'd fooled him.

At around 7/8 I was crocheting and decided to sew my fingers together on one hand. So I gently pierced the skin with the needle and threaded my chosen thread colour through them. Teacher caught me and in my surprise I ended up ripping the thread straight out of my fingers. It hurt. A lot.

I was a bright kid, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking.

To this day I have no idea why but when I was at school, we used to line up in the playground and take turns having someone come up behind us and squeeze their arms round us until we passed out. There used to be a whole row of us laid out on the ground - god knows why the teachers didn't stop us - it used to happen regularly.

Painted myself with a whole tin of gloss blue paint i found on a dump because We had just been doing about Boudicca and woad at junior school. Had no idea it wouldn't wash off.

I used to take our goat (on a chain for a lead) for a walk in the woods next to my house because I wanted a dog. We got a dog.

I'm another one who sharpened her pinky. Took half my nail off [wince]

I once took a bite out of a new bar of soap. I was about 11. My mum, who I think was beginning to suspect I was a bit 'touched', asked why, and I said it looked so smooth and perfect I had to destroy it. Think that answer worried her quite a bit actually.

And I remember one time reading a few old kids books where the punishment for bad behaviour was having to cut the grass with a pair of scissors. 'Interesting idea,' thinks I, and set out to the (front) garden with a pair of nail scissors and set to work. In half an hour I'd cut about an inch and had blisters all up my fingers when my dad came out and went spare.

I was weird fucking kid.

I have been sniggering and snorting, shaking with giggles here at work! This thread had made my day! Thankyou!

8yo me and a friend used to slide in our socks on the kitchen floor.

We decided it needed something to make it more slippy so we each took a pack of butter out of the fridge and got to work covering the lino in butter!

We were gutted it din't work, but not as gutted as my poor mum when she came in and saw what we had done!!!!

Oh gods..

I knelt on the bathroom floor and rubbed my head on the carpet until I had a huge red sore welt - I had a scab for weeks. WHY? No idea, I remember clearly having no reason whatsoever - it was purely an experiment. - aged between 5 and 9.

Rather than put my hand up and interrupt the grey, ashen faced, tall and, to a 5 yr old, incredibly scary, headmaster's speech, I wet myself silently in the middle of school assembly one morning, sitting cross legged on a wooden floor, at the front. My sister, sitting on chairs at the back (she was in the oldest class by then, while I was in the youngest) was called upon to remove me and sort me out, she refused. (Hell, if the situation was reversed...) - must have been 5.

Secretly took a dump in the compost heap (I wiped with dock leaves) even though the house was only 100 yards away (it felt like a long walk at the time) - for that outdoors feeling I guess, sometime during primary school.

Those are the things I remember doing but even at the time, there was no deep reason. I hope.

Lol at My New Name is David Fawcett!

at singing Last Christmas in the style of Cher!!

We used to phone up a local pirate radio station and ask them to do a "shout out" to our "homies". Except that we'd give the names of our cat/toy etc. They still read it all out on air though. We used to almost wet ourselves laughing.

Cut my own fringe so badly, I resembled Peter Gabriel when he was in Genesis.

'Made' perfume out of rose petals.

Pretended my toy vacuum cleaner was a machine gun and raced around the neighbourhood 'killing' everyone.

Chewed everything (tables, dolls etc)- I was a nervous kid.

Ate loo roll because I liked the taste.

Used to pretend our nylon carpet was an ice rink and skated around it.

Used to rub my knuckles really hard on the bed sheets to get burns.

Used to freak my mum out my hiding and giggle at the poor woman searching the house for me.

Pretended to cook with bath foam.

We used to crank call boys all the time - we were always hanging around the phone box! Once we rang this lad from our year and he wasn't the brightest...my friend pretended to be called Janet (wtf, what kids are called Janet in the 90s!) and that she was a distant cousin from oop north. He believed every word of it and wanted to meet up...bless!

We also used to ring Childline and make up stories (I'm so ashamed of this now, what time wasters!) and once my friend got caught by her mum and got such a bollocking!

We also used to pretend to be foreign - down the park once we were pretending to be french and the other kids sussed us out because we didn't know what trousers was in french!! Funny what you remember because now I'll never forget what is it!

A girl in my class came from the rough part of town and she used to always go shop lifting on a saturday in town (or "choring" as the yoofs used to call it). She made me steal something once and I was absolutely petrified I'd get caught but I couldn't say no because a) u know what peer pressure is like and b)she might have thumped me!! So we were loitering in Lush (or cosmetics to go as it was known as then) and I decided to nick a bathbomb...but not just any bathbomb, it had a massive long traily thing hanging off the end so I was frantically trying to stuff it up my sleeve before I got caught! I literally spent the rest of the day quaking in my boots incase security found out. It was my one and only run in with shop lifting!!

When we were about 15 we used to hang out in my friends bedroom listening to late night love in the dark and trying to make ourselves cry to all the power ballads. Lame!!

Although we'd never read any of her work, a male friend and I used to find the name Maeve Binchy hilarious. I've no idea why, but I vaguely remember us thinking Binchy sounded like a euphemism for lady parts.

I'm ashamed to admit this! One day, we decided to pose as a supremely nerdy married couple called Arthur and Thora Bindt and wrote her a fan letter about our society (The Maeve Binchy Book Club of Greater Bognor). I think we also enclosed one of "Arthur"'s godawful poems about her.

To our surprise, Arthur and Thora received a postcard back from old Maeve. I'm sure she must have sussed it was a pisstake, so hats off to her for replying...

I went to boarding school and the only way you could get a day off was to actually be sick. I needed to be sick because I'd not done my prep. So I ate the contents of 3 tubes of toothpaste. I've never felt so ill in my entire life.

I used to enjoy walking with my eyes shut (I still do this sometimes when I'm in a park...I am now 45!).

When i was about 9 I went through a phase of collecting my wee and storing it in one of the unused cupboards in the bathroom, i had about 2 liters stored!!!!!). I have no idea why I was keeping it. One day it was gone and I was shitting myself going downstairs expecting a bollocking from my Mum, but she didn't say thing.

Oh, also used to phone 192 for chats. Our highlight was getting a guy who found us funny and spending ages signing him Christmas carols. Must have been about 8 of us crammed in the phone box.

My mum still has my 'news' book from primary one. Lots of normal looking pages of things we had done as a family. Then there is a random tale of the weekend I spent helping my dad with the lifeboat. Complete with drawing of stick people on boat and a note that I had been saving people. I still feel embarrassed about the lie.

There is also the time my friend and I decided it wasn't fair we didn't have any pubes yet, so drew them on with a mascara wand. It looked quite good until I put my pants back on and it smudged. Can't remember how I explained that one to my mum

Aged about 7 I made up a story about how my dad and I had come across a broken down car on the way to school.

I told her that we didn't have a rope to tow the car with so instead my dad had slowly driven up behind it until gently touching, and pushed it up the hill.

I wasn't at all prone to making up stories so no idea why I would make up this particular one, or why I thought my friend would be impressed by it.