Things you never hear a toddler say

I actually read somewhere that it's recommended for grapes to be cut up for children until the age of I think 5!

"Here's your perfectly untouched lipstick that I found in the bathroom. I thought you might want it back."

"Actually, this repetitive banging noise must be annoying you. Maybe I'll play quietly instead."

These are brilliant! Love this thread I can especially relate to fussiness over food not being quite right i.e broken etc, yet desperate to eat stale duck bread! Also the stick collecting, getting dressed and endless questioning!

I've not read the whole thread yet but for some reason I'm reading these posts in my head using the voice of Stewie Griffin......

Of course you can pick my clothes and get me dressed mummy!

in response to being told he has to do something he doesn't like or stop doing something he does enjoy

"You're absolutely right, Mummy, it IS fair!"

of course I'll stop scratching. it's not itching, it's just habit.

yes, I'll fetch my coat rather than crying because it isn't in my hands.

yes, I'll climb out of my carseat to get out of the car, I am not going to climb all over the car.

i'd like to climb the stairs.

yummy, rice and vegetables.

no thanks, ice cream doesn't appeal.to me

On the floor if its going to be agony for you.

Oh poor Mummy, is your back hurting because you are 8 months pregnant? I won't try to climb on you or throw random bits of crap

Now you've acknowledged what I said I don't need to repeat it another 25 times

Yes, copying everything my brother says is annoying rather than hilarious and I will stop doing it immediately

You're right, socks are not the work of the devil that need to be immediately removed and hidden especially when we're running late for the school run

I am actually going to try my dinner tonight rather than immediately announcing I don't like it

If my brother says he doesn't feel well/has hurt himself or similar I am not going to shout over him that exactly the same thing is wrong with me and that I need medicine now and it's not fair that he gets it and I don't

I realise that I don't like dresses and certainly will stop demanding to wear the "dancing top" look at myself in the mirror for 10 seconds and then demand to wear normal clothes

I understand that if I don't like my hair in my face then having it tied up is a suitable alternative. Also that hair does need to be brushed and I don't need to act like it's an act of torture

You're right, not everything of mummy's is a "girl's thing" and I don't have the right to demand she shares it with me on that basis

I agree hiding one of other people's shoes is not funny and I shall refrain from doing it. The same will go for filling mummy's shoes with various small toys and crayons

"I'm more than happy to get into my buggy - anything to make the school run as stress-free and quick as possible for you!"

"nah, walls are boring, I prefer to walk along sensibly on the ground."

'Sorry mum. I know pissing on the floor at the co op till is out of order. I should have we'ed when you asked me to in the bathroom.' IWBU.

Don't worry Mum, I know it's beyond my capabilities and you've told me not to. I won't do it even when your back is turned and I certainly won't do it, then tell you I've done it to steal the attention from my brother.

Oh no please, go ahead and play with my favourite car, you like it more than me (from dd to ds or vice versa)

Mummy please sit down and drink that coffee before it gets cold, I'll just play over here by myself for a few minutes

Yes I can remember where I put the tv remote control.

Love these

Yes mummy, I am listening to you and will do what you asked immediately.

You're right. We are in a hurry, so I won't insist on playing instead of getting ready and throw a tantrum if you try and stop me.

The medicine doesn't taste very nice, but I know it will make me better and it's important I have all the doses, so I'll have it without any fuss.

It's ok mum, I don't have to be first through the door.

The keys are kept in that drawer? Of course I'll leave them there instead of repeatedly moving them to the illogical place I want them to live.

I hate getting up early.. I'll just have some milk and go straight back to sleep, if that's ok with you.

No, you're right mummy, I can't do up my own seat yet and its not helpful of me to insist I try and leave you in the rain whilst screaming and crying because its grown ups only who can do it up. And undo it.

You're right. taking that tiny and irreplaceable teddy out with gran without her knowing was a bit silly. I have lost it and its ok. I won't scream all night and refuse to go to bed.

When you acknowledge what I've said I don't really need to repeat it over and over and over and over again, do I.

You're right, a breadstick broken in two does taste the same as an intact breadstick! I'll just eat it without comment.