Things you never hear a toddler say

Don't be silly mummy! of course I won't climb all over the sofas now you've told me not to. They looked tempting but your loving warning about the injuries I would probably have has really hit home. I'm getting down now.

so my birthday isn't for another couple of months? I'll remember and not mention it every five minutes between then and now!

"I hate Cebeebies"

Thanks mum, you've cut up my food into pieces of precisely the shape and size I wanted.

There are a lot of cats in this neighbourhood, aren't there? No need to stop and say hello to every single one of them when we have somewhere we need to be.

Of course you deserve to go to the toilet/ shower in peace! I won't try to barge in or stand outside the door crying if you locked it.

Thanks for giving me plenty of warning that we are about to go out. I've tidied away all my toys and am now ready to leave the house. Yes, I remember exactly where I put my shoes!

No no, I'll just sit here quietly until you've finished eating your meal as well. And then I'll help you clear away. I won't empty the remains of my meal over myself and the floor and then insist on getting down from the table to trample it through the house before you've managed to eat more than one mouthful.

Yes it is a bit chilly outside, isn't it? Hailstone you say? Ooh gosh I'd best get my coat on and wrap up warm! Where are my hat and gloves, please?

Yes I'll sit on your lap, nicely, on the bus. Of course I won't have a screaming fit when my sister sits next to me.

oh well done, you won! No no, you were the better player.

I think I'd like to try this without the ketchup.

Wow, a new vegetable I've not tried before! Load up my plate mummy!

oh you're still asleep? OK, I'll go play quietly in my room, you have a lie in and we'll go get breakfast once the sun's up.

" Mummy I do recognise that as you are with me 100% of the time, ruined your body giving me life and basically keep me alive, just cos Daddy lets me sit in his truck sometimes does not make him a religious icon. In fact you should LTB "

Can I have a nap?

Would you like to choose what we watch today?

Yes you're right it's no trouble to pop myself on the potty rather than pissing where I stand whilst looking at it.

Can I have something new for tea?

I see you're in the toilet, mummy.That's okay. My question can wait until you're finished.

I think I will play with something other than my train set today.

We have to leave the park now? I'll come straight away and not have a screaming tantrum and throw myself in a pile of mud that you have to pick me out of and carry me whilst I writhe about like a raging eel

love this

"Oh mummy, you look tired! I will let you sit down for at least an hour so you can watch some television."
"I will sit quietly, and not disturb you!"

Oh yes mummy you have picked out a perfect outfit for me to wear, I shall put it on immediately.

Of course I wouldn't spit out my food half way through eating it, that's disgusting!

Don't worry mummy, I'll get back in my buggy if I can't walk nicely rather than make you carry me with your bad back.

Telling you, that should be.

Of cours, I'll stop making that. "Eeeeeeerrrhhhhh!" Noise while pointing vaguely when I want to aske for something we all know I know the word for. Making you guess what I want instead of just thing you isn't much fun for anyone, is it? Especially when I start bawling because you're not getting it right .

I absolutely do need my hair cut / feet measured /check up at the doctors so why on earth would I scream blue murder and try to escape from the nice person doing it? I'll sit here patiently until they're done.

Of course the banana needs to be peeled before I can eat it. Here, would you mind peeling it for me? Thanks ever so much.

'My most sincere apologies. I stand corrected, it is, in fact, your turn, please continue.'
'What's that Mummy? We have to leave the house in 5 minutes? I am a silly old bean, of course I will wait until later to create a masterpiece work of Mister Maker's globe trotting adventures. Aren't I daft thinking we can make a prickly puffer fish (that need an hour's drying time in between stages) in 2 minutes flat.'
'Yes Mummy, quite reasonable that you don't need my help to carve the roast/drain a cauldron size pan of pasta/help the builders carry a 25kg bag of concrete mix up two flights of stairs whilst wearing a Gruffalo costume two sizes too big.'

We have to leave the park now? I'll come straight away and not have a screaming tantrum and throw myself in a pile of mud that you have to pick me out of and carry me whilst I writhe about like a raging eel

That super loud toymy grandparents gave me with a smirk on their faces? I won't play it before 8 am, and only for a few minutes a day.

No, I won't wait until you have the first hangover since I was born to figure out how to make the toy telephone ring and flash, then wave it in front of your eyes over and over and over again at 7 am.

Yes, I can wait quietly while you finish using the toilet. I won't unlock the door and run off into the shops leaving you with your knickers round your ankles and screaming for me to come back.

'Don't worry if the last biscuit we have is broken. I'll eat it anyway'

Whilst there are myriad things I want, I'm aware none are available to me at this juncture. Therefore, I am content with what I have right now.

I aspire to understand the intricacies of our world, both natural and man-made, and am aware that "But why?" represents an inadequate approach to such matters. Therefore I will wait until I can read howstuffworks.com, and find out for myself.

It is a given that we all must do some things we find distasteful during the course of our daily lives, Mummy. Like you, I just get on with it.

It must be very unpleasant for animals and people to have their eyes and ears poked! I wouldn't dream of inflicting such discomfort!

I shan't climb on this, or swing on that, until an adult has ascertained that it is securely fixed and contains no sharp or fragile objects.

It does rather hurt, thanks for asking! It's my own silly fault, though, I should have ascertained the security of its fixings.

Brushing my hair doesn't hurt! What an odd idea, Mummy.

I will sleep through the night. All night, every night....