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Original poster

Things you never hear a toddler say

319 replies

Kasterborous · 22/02/2014 16:44

Following on from Sparkingbrooks thread about teenagers. Here is one for toddlers, as I don't have a teenager yet.

'Yes I will eat my food without plastering it all over myself/the walls/carpet/you'

'Yes I would love a banana instead of a biscuit'

'Of course I will continue to only draw on paper, even when you only turn your back for one second'

OP posts:
Original poster
Kasterborous · 23/02/2014 21:56

'If you give me the entire bag of crisps Mummy, I will keep tight hold of them and not immediately drop them all over the pavement, then have a massive strop because I can't eat them because they are all over the pavement'

OP posts:
HawkeyeInChaos · 23/02/2014 21:27

I accept that you know much more than me mummy, and that if you tell me that the thing that flew overhead was an aeroplane, then I will accept that and not repeatedly insist that it was a helicopter.

You're driving mummy. Of course you can't give me a cuddle, retrieve my teddy from the floor, or magic a drink of water from thin air whilst you are doing so. It would be foolish of me to even ask. I'll wait until we get to our destination.

You haven't got any yoghurt? Ok, I'll stop asking for one and choose something else.

TwelveLeggedWalk · 23/02/2014 21:04

Proper LOL at ""I have no strong feelings either way, mummy."

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 23/02/2014 21:04

"Oh, yes, mummy, you are correct. Four in the morning is too early to wake up and watch Fireman Sam. I will go back to sleep now, instead of poking you in the face every five seconds asking if Sam is on yet."

ZingSweetMango · 23/02/2014 21:02

ohmy

you will never hear me say that either!Grin

ohmymimi · 23/02/2014 21:01

Sprouts? Yum!

GiraffesAndButterflies · 23/02/2014 21:01

DD is a bit young for this but:
Yes, I should be asleep now shouldn't I? I will lie down and close my eyes instead of whirling around and around my cot like the sodding Duracell bunny.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 23/02/2014 20:59

'Now that you mention it, they are exactly the same, so I'll be happy to have either.'

'You need the loo? I'll stay here and give you some privacy. No, do take your time.'

ZingSweetMango · 23/02/2014 20:57

Horatia

Grin

how's baby btw? was thinking of you just yesterday!

RandallFloyd · 23/02/2014 20:52

That lovely old lady over there you mean? The one who's face lit up when she caught sight of my beautiful big eyes, long eyelashes and fabulous chubby cheeks? Yes, of course, I'd love to smile at her, maybe have a little chat.

No, of course I won't hide my face and give her a look out of the corner of my eye that will make her feel like a social pariah. Nor will I recoil at her outstretched arm as if she is covered in scales.

She seems lovely, it's great to be able to make someone's day isn't it.

Rowingdowntheriver · 23/02/2014 20:50

No, of course I won't sit on my baby brother. That would be a daft thing to do. What on earth gave you the idea that I was considering it?

HoratiaDrelincourt · 23/02/2014 20:50

Zing my 2yo gleefully claims all his farts. He also claims most of his misdeeds, in a detached "fancy that, I deliberately drew on the chair" kind of way Hmm

jenniferturkington · 23/02/2014 20:49

Let me just grab a tissue and wipe my nose before I give you a kiss.

Wow! That apple/pear/toast is just right, exactly how I like it!

ZingSweetMango · 23/02/2014 20:42

"It was me"

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 23/02/2014 20:39

I'll stop climbing on the sink, turning the taps on and 'washing up' now. I understand that you don't want the worktop and floor flooded more than once a day.

Yes, Mummy, you're right. Hamilton the pig and his fucking hats is not the best story I own. I will stop making you read it 4 times in quick succession every single day. If it mysteriously disappears again I will not rummage down the back of the sofa and pull it out.

TheChimpParadox · 23/02/2014 20:37

I feel rather nauseous - would you mind fetching a bowl I wouldn't want to ruin the carpet oh and a glass of water please.

bakewelltartandcustard · 23/02/2014 20:37

Yes I'll let Daddy dress me while you are feeding the baby.
Dog poo? No, I didn't walk in dog poo.
I'll scoot all the way and not want to be carried.
Just a tiny slice of cake, please. Smaller than my brother's slice.

themaltesefalcon · 23/02/2014 20:26

Of course I'll wear my own suitable winter hat, and not Daddy's enormous, filthy, smelly black hooligan hat that comes down over my eyes and makes all the passers-by tut-tut at your shameful mothering skills, Mum. Of course.

LaTrucha · 23/02/2014 20:21

IMO two is nothing. I've never understood people going on about the terrible twos. Three: now there you're talking. And four. And most of five.

2Bornot2B · 23/02/2014 20:21

DS2 could not pronounce "tr...": it always came out as "f...". Thus, trees were fees, trouble was fubble and trucks were a problem (esp as he always wanted them)! Blush

BlessedAssurance · 23/02/2014 19:42

babyhinder wait til he is 4 then come back and tell usSmile.

BlessedAssurance · 23/02/2014 19:39

Since you have spend the whole day catering to my every need and daddybis now home. I will leave the two of you alone and eat my dinner in quietly so thst the two of you can have an uninterrupted chat for one second.

To be fair on her she we have no problems with getting dressed, eating or tantrums. The only issue is she wants ALL of our attention at all times and that can be tiring. Much to do with DC2 on the way though but all in all i have a very laid back easy going toddler.

BlessedAssurance · 23/02/2014 19:32

mercedes your DC can move in with me. I eat a jam and cheese sandwich. Infact i had one this morning. Very normal in Norway..

Lovelybunchofcocopops · 23/02/2014 19:31

Yes, I will sit in the stroller with no fuss as I can see it is raining/we are running late, and I appreciate that my snails pace walking style will only make us both wetter/later.!

Original poster
Kasterborous · 23/02/2014 19:25

'Look Mummy I'm being careful'

OP posts: