Things you never hear a toddler say

It's probably better to poo in the toilet, rather than the bath, or my pants.

Of course I do want the food I asked for! Whoever heard of a child who was so silly as to ask for food and then not eat it?!

Time to get out of the bath, you say? I shall stand up to let you lift me safely out.

Your back is aching because you have been holding me all morning? You should have said! I'd have been more than happy pottering around on the floor while you got on with the housework using both your hands!

"It's 3am. Hmmm, I'll just lie here quietly until I drop off again."

Oh please do wipe my snotty nose for me, thank you mummy.

"Shall I go and play quietly with some of my toys?"

"I think I'll have a lie-in tomorrow, it is the weekend after all, and I am rather tired."

"Would you like to have one of your programmes on the tv?"

You're right mum, I should probably eat these carrot sticks rather than the just using one of them as a vehicle to get the humus in my mouth.

we have a similar problem with the inability to pronounce 'cl' (it comes out as 'c') and repeatedly pointing and shouting at clocks....

Great, let's try it your way.

Oh it's still seems dark, yes I'm right, therefore it must not be the morning so I won't wake anyone up, ill just settle down until its morning.

Of course tomato soup isn't a normal breakfast item! What was I thinking, yes porridge it is please.

I am a big girl now and understand cause and effect, and wholeheartedly agree with Einstein that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different outcome.

This is why, standing up for the tenth time in a row in my cot, I will not fling myself backwards shouting 'weeeeeeee!' and then scream blue murder when I clonk my head. Again.

I agree, Playdough is not a food. Nor is my twin.

If my sister jumped off a cliff I DEFINITELY would not jump too.

I am fully aware that pudding comes AFTER my main course. That seems eminently reasonable.

I love brushing my teeth. I will exert maximum effort and not just suck the paste off my brush. I want to have lovely, shiny, clean teeth like a tiger.

Oh PLEASE shampoo my hair Mummy. PLEASE!

I have a rudimentary grasp of maths now, and understand the fact there are two of me and my twin and only one of you Mummy. Each of us having one of your knees makes a huge amount of sense. As does you reading a book to us both at the same time. Look! We can both see it!

Oh, so the tongue up the nose thing is not attractive? Okay I will stop doing it and blow my nose nicely like any other child.

"You're right Mummy - the fact that we're walking down Glastonbury High Street does not automatically mean that every woman we walk past is a witch, and I would not dream of loudly insinuating that they are"

School (kindergarten) morning joys:

'Since I really really want to take my doll's pram to school I realise we have to get out earlier than usual, so I will cooperate to the fullest and be as quick as possible'.

'After the few hundred school mornings we've had already i realise that I need to keep still while you're fixing my hair the way I asked. I won't wriggle and twist like an electric eel but claim I'm being still at all.'

'Of course little brother can hold that toy. I'm holding this one, and my pram, after all.'

'Certainly I won't ram little brother with my pram. How uncivilised. The very idea!'

Am so pleased to discover my toddler is normal!

'Since the book Dave makes me cry everytime you get to the page where he farts, I'd prefer a different book this bedtime'

'High-pitched screaming in Sainsbury's cafe is sooooo yesterday'

It's ok mummy I know you've read Cock A Moo Moo lots of times, I'll find another book.

'Ah thank you Mummy for bringing the extra milk that I insisted on. Now I'll drink it rather than tipping it on the cat'

'I remember, last time I hit the cat she scratched me so I definitely won't hit her again'

Hhhhhmmmm 'what's that I hear, the microwave? OK I'll sit here quietly until it pings and I definitely won't throw a tantrum because my milk isn't ready'

'I agree, the cat is overweight and really doesn't need more than 3 treats tonight'

'Since Daddy was at work the last 35 times I asked you, I won't bother asking again'

'No you're right, that noise probably isn't a helicopter so don't bother picking me up to the window'

That was a full, complete and satisfactory answer to my question, I have no further questions...

I don't mind which pants/trousers/tshirt or shoes I wear today, they are all my favourites

I agree, the theme tune to 'Thomas and Friends' is the most annoying and potentially madness inducing piece of 'music' ever created.

I'd love a quick shower instead of a bath (that I'll not want to get into & then refuse to get out of.)

Yes mummy you're right - 5:30 am is still night time and I suppose I don't need to go downstairs for breakfast right now. I'll go straight back to sleep now, so sorry for disturbing you.

Reins- what an excellent idea for keeping me safe!

Ah thanks Zing. He's three months old and 17lb.

So in the spirit of this thread...

"Milk? Nah. I had some only an hour ago."

no no mummy, its fine that you cut up my food like I asked you too and I in no way now expect you to be able to fix it.

no mummy, it makes perfect sense for you to flush the toilet when it seems I had forgotten, I absolutely won't have a screaming meltdown for twenty minutes about wanting my poo back

Yes it is your TV too - here's the remote..101 for the news yes?