I made a complete tit of myself today and cannot stop cringing. Pat my shoulder

A week after I went on Maternity Leave I went back in to the office for a day as my team was REALLY short staffed and I was bored at home

Anyway, my computer login had been disabled so off I trotted down to see the IT lads (3 early twenties, trendy types with floofy hair and glasses) and instead of saying "Hi, please could you reactivate my login?" the words that came out of my mouth were...

"Hi boys, could one of you turn me on please?"

Also, my stepdad once answered Viagra instead of Coleslaw when my mum asked him what else they needed whilst in Tesco.

Oh these are hilarious! Mine not as funny. I was on a walk with some friends I hadnt seen for while in a park. I was pregnant and had gone abit mad I think (my excuse). To emphasis a point I sort of swung my arm and inadvertently threw my handbag into a lake. Everything was in there, phone, purse, book, oyster card etc. I then (7 months pregnant) had to climb over a fence get a stick to try to fish it out. My friends were and told me just to leave it but it was my handbag for gods sake. I did get it back and everything survived except the phone. It was a work one my secretary at the time was what have you done now...

Also during the same mad stage I read the dullest internal company publication which had a lame joke in it. On reading it I got the worst giggles I have experienced I literally had to go to the loos and sit there crying with laughter I couldnt stop it was weird. Was embarrassing as went back to the office my bewildered boss said "I read the joke and it wasnt even funny". They suggested I go home for a lie down.

These are brilliant! William Shatner!??

I was in an interview about 15 years ago and they asked me about strengths and weaknesses. For weaknesses this popped out of my mouth: "some people call me anal but I say I pay attention to detail". There was a silence and one of the interviewers just said "Anal??" incredulously. LUCKILY the other two fell about laughing at that point and then explained it to him while I sat there cringing my head off.

I didn't get the job, it was for a student placement and they said I was over qualified but rang back after a few days to offer me a different job :)

HOW ON EARTH???•!!!!

I've repressed this one for ages but here goes...
A director at my old workplace was notorious for standing in the middle of the corridor gossiping, not very practical as he was built like a brick wall and the corridors were very narrow. Trying to get past him one day instead of doing what I wanted to do and kind of put my hand out in front of me to slip past him for some reason I reached out and grabbed hold of his arse cheek. And for some reason squeezed. Really hard.
Poor bugger jumped a foot in the air, turned round and looked at me like a whipped puppy while I gibbered an apology at him!
Thank God it was the FD not one of the other ones, he had a sense of humour and spent weeks holding him bum protectively whenever I went past him

gatekeeper - maybe it will make you eligible for some little known benefit so you can continue to be a SAHM (if you want to!)

SarahAndFuck. Pure

Oh gawd...iinappropriaye kisses! Ive done them before...horrid!

Although, my colleague once accidentally kissed our area manager as he tried to shake her hand and then another time she picked up the phone as it rang, burped down it as she tried to say hello and just calmly put the phone back down without speaking, so I think my shot cats are not quite as bad as they could have been.

I have told this story before.

I worked for an estate agents. A property had exchanged and completed and the sellers were in the process of loading up the moving van when they realised their cats were missing.

They rang the office to ask me to pass on a message to the buyers, stating that if the cats should turn up later could they please just shoo them outside into the garden and the sellers would drive by later and collect them.

So I rang the buyers and left a cheerful message that ended "...and so they say that if you could shoot the cats in the garden they will collect them later. NO! Don't shoot the cats! Shoo them into the garden. Shoo them out! They don't want you to shoot their cats!"

Buyers came into the office a few days later with wine for us and kept laughing about the message. They were making gun shapes with their fingers and kept saying "Meow, BANG!" to me

giggled so much I needed to pee.

Ooh my goodness that's hilarious There, there!

I once phoned daughter's friend & when the father answered, I asked if I could speak to his wife-unfortunately, I already was

"We all have our cringes to bear"-genius!

Haven't actually sobbed over a thread on here for aaaaaages. I'm meant to be getting ready for work. The DC are all "What's wrong mummy? Why are you sad?"

Have had to wheezily explain I just read something funny. While drying my eyes and blowing bubbles of snot.

Thank you :)

Well they're obviously mutants for not laughing. I'd have been crying with you!

The other day I answered the phone and said 'Tim speaking.' I have no idea why I did this. I am most definitely not called Tim. Last time I looked I didn't have a prostate. I actually don't even know any Tims.

I think sometimes when we don't have enough humourous people in our world, our subconscious has to generate it ourselves, in order that we can have a good laugh at ourselves. That is what I am telling myself anyway.

Are you Miranda?

Where do you work OP? I am probably being made redundant in the New Year and part of my prospective job requirements are quality colleagues. You sound ace; I'd love to mess about at work work with you.

Ellis, if we all worked together we would spend the day giggling and Tena Lady would be on tap in the ladies well it would for me lol.

ellis!!!!

did you manage to do your presentation???!

oh my days!! Maybe we should all work together?! A seething mass of inappropriateness

I also once got on the escalator in the London Underground, going in the wrong direction. Went arse over tit. Everyone pretended not to notice

If it makes you feel better I did something similar today.
Big meeting and my boss asks me what I thought was 'how is your son?' So I reply with a long winded explanation of how he has an ear infection at the moment and has pus pouring out of his ear. I go on and on and then slowly realise everyone is staring at me.
The my boss says 'sorry I said shall we go on?' Gesturing to report I had in my hand, that I had been waving around by talking about pus. It was my turn to present. I was so embarrassed

I told a customer once, that our phones were 'up the duff'

didn't realise my error until they had left

Oh this thread has made me laugh so much! If your days didn't happen for any other reason I think you should be grateful they made me laugh!

Thanks!

Had I been there OP I would have laughed with you!

Junebugjr That made me guffaw. That is my stock answer for when someone asks me where something is [well not everyone, only people that get my humour]

Why are you not my friends in real life? I feel like I'm the only person I know who does stuff like this.

Mine is always followed by the high pitched laugh too, or worse, a peculiar little girl giggle as though I'm trying to be coy.