I made a complete tit of myself today and cannot stop cringing. Pat my shoulder

I'll say just one more otherwise you'll think I'm some kind of Norman Wisdom or Frank Spencer.
All my in laws were visiting our house and my wife had been asking me to change a light bulb in the kitchen for ages. I took a chair from the dining room and used it to stand on. Just as I'd fitted the new bulb, my standing foot went straight through the base of the chair. In true Benny Hill style, my testicles landed on the top of the backrest.
As I was curled up in the foetus position, retching, in agony and unable to breathe properly, everyone ran into the room to see what had happened.
My dear wife was really concerned. She said, "what have you done to my chair?"

Gatekeeper, poor you. You did really make me smile though.

I just snorted with laughter at 'don't shoot the cats' I'm on the bus, so that earned me a few weird looks .

I've had so many of these moments, my most recent being today. Had an interview that was in an office area at the back of a huge shopping centre, which is just off a very busy dual carriageway. Bus doesn't go into the shopping centre but drops on the other side of the dual carriageway, at a flyover that deposits you neatly on the footpath of the roadway into the shopping centre. So all fine, got there, found recruitment agencies office, had interview, jolly good.

Bus back home picks up on same side of the carriageway as shopping centre. There is a pedestrian walkway from the huge sprawling car park to the bus stop, but of course I can't remember where it is. I do know that if you use the main road out of the centre, there is a grass verge with a well worn path along the side of the carriageway right to the bus stop. It's been a year since I've gotten this bus, so I naturally go the wrong way. So there's a mud and stone track about a foot wide with a 6 inch cement edging that I'm hobbling along in my nice interview clothes, until a point where the bushes are overgrown so I have to balance on the little cement verge swatting branches out of my face. Track clears up again, I hobble along a bit more. Until I come to a big roadsign, the kind with 2 posts. Outside post kind of impinges into the cement verge, so now it's even narrower. I grip the post and kind of fecking swing myself around it and hobble on a bit more, until the path becomes complete overgrown and there is absolutely no further I can go. All this time with a heavy flow of traffic passing by. It finally dawns on me that I have gone the wrong way. I have to retrace my steps, complete with hobbling, post-pirouetting, branch swatting and cement balancing. Make it back to the car park, trek across it, find the walkway and eventually about 40 mins later make it to the bus stop.

And as further evidence of my ineptitude, I have probably explained that so badly that no-one has a clue what I'm talking about

There there.

I do this kind of thing all the time. You've made my day!

Solidarnosc

Hahaaa, that is brilliant!!!

I remember hearing of someone's mum who had been going round for weeks telling everyone that she was going in to hospital for an autopsy...she meant biopsy!

cross-country dogging

[weeps]

I have long brown hair. I was wearing a halter top and looking quite fine, I thought, and was flirting with this bloke in a bar.

It wasn't until I went to the loo that I noticed that a big tuft of head hair had worked its way under my armpit and was poking out the front looking like particularly luxuriant armpit hair.

Oh god, so much for discreet mumsnetting at work, I am sat here with tears and snot streaming!

New job, trying to impress new colleagues, found it a bit odd that during my presentation lots of people in the room were looking at my crotch, walked out of the room and looked down . I was wearing a top with a long side tie (were all the rage years ago), had it tucked in to my trousers so it didn’t dangle below my jacket, been to the toilet and somehow the long stripey dangly bit was hanging out of my fly. It had been a good few hours since I had been to the toilet.

Boss was going in to a meeting and said he would text a message to my desk phone – so it would be a voice recorded message, if they needed anything bringing in. Phone rings and I hear it’s a voice message going on about breakfast cereal and how good it is for you, I assume he must be bored so just trying to be funny. I was surprised but thought I would respond in good humour and sent him a long email trying to be equally as funny and talking about my breakfast preferences. After the meeting, boss comes up to me and asks why on earth I emailed him saying that I prefer toast in the morning, rather than cereal….turns out voice message was an advert and not from him at all . I cried with laughter for days after that.

A good friend of mine ( really, this happened to a friend) took her small children for a picnic in the forest. At some point she needed a pee, so disappeared into the ferns to go. Unfortunately she got her angles all wrong and peed on her knickers.

She took them off, hid them in the nappy bag and continued, knickerless with the picnic. She was wearing a skirt, so wasn't overly relaxed, but hey, what's the worse that could happen?

On returning home she discovered she'd locked herself out, but there was an upstairs window open. Her over-friendly male neighbour hoved into view with the offer of a ladder, which she gratefully accepted.
The ladder was leaned against the house, but to her horror the man refused to go up it, claiming a bad back or something.

So my friend climbed knickerless up the ladder with the neighbour footing the bottom of it, looking up her skirt as she went up.

And she had to go on living next door to him for years and years...

Oh these are so funny.

Won't ever think of William Shatner in the same way again.

I've also done the unbuttoned shirt at work thing, I was having lunch with colleagues and couldn't figure out why all the guys were sitting across the table, a few even sat down next to me then moved, I was convinced I had done something stupid not noticed a fart

Until another female sat down and pointed it out

Thankfully I had on a nice new bra and a pre BF'ing cleavage

There there! Pat pat pat.

My ex once stood up in a meeting and said '...and then I had sex!' I don't know if he was daydreaming or what, but he hadn't!

I come out with some right corkers. Too many to list.

I've had my shirt undone at an important meeting and no one told me. I also sat on a chair that collapsed under me. I've heard that some people do that deliberately at interviews to see how the candidates cope.

Slightly different, I was in meeting where one of the other women kept tapping and stroking her nose at the person chairing the meeting, who was a bit of a cow.

The cow said: 'OFGS! If you want to scratch your nose or pick it, just do it.'

The other woman said: 'You've got a big bogey up your nose. I was trying to be discreet but I don't think I'll bother now.'

I moved into a new rental property years ago. It was a basement flat and had been empty for a while and had weird little insect cases on the hallway walls.

The gas man came to take a reading just as I had the hoover out to get rid of the insects. We started chatting and I was talking about getting the flat more presentable and said 'I'm now going to suck all these insects off'. I then realised what I had said and dissolved into giggles which was made worse when he just stood looking at me.

He left quickly afterwards.

Gatekeeper yours is the first MN post that's made me laugh out loud. I think the glasses and he-haw laugh rounded it off nicely. You sound like fun, your colleagues not so much.

I'm not from the UK, so even though my first language is English, I'm not always aware of "local colloquialisms".

I used to run cross-country with my dogs. It's a sport called cani-cross. But me, I have a tendency to make up my own names for things, which can sometimes backfire spectacularly.

One day a colleague asked me if I had any plans for the weekend, and I did indeed have a cani-cross race planned.

So I cheerily replied, "Yes, I'm going to be doing a spot of cross-country dogging!"

After everyone had fallen about in hysterics, said colleague quietly took me aside and gently explained why I should probably not refer to my hobby as "dogging" in future.

I've got tears in my eyes at these!! It's almost as funny as the I pooed on my skirt thread

Oh feck me side ways I am actually crying laughing baby ds thinks I'm crying at Mr Tumble!

gatekeeper You are hilarious

There are too many to mention but someone mentioned their friend asked for a piano instead of a bunch of bananas hahahaha

Please keep them coming mners, this thread has cheered me up

Trying so hard not to cry with laughter at these, thank you I needed the cheering up.

I'm rather accustomed at doing entirely stupid things in the worst situations

In an interview when discussing strengths and weaknesses, I meant to say I was good at dealing with complex problems by thinking about things logically , instead said "I give good head" - to a female interviewer she just raised her eyebrows and asked if I wanted to reconsider my answer

In my teens while walking into school assembly I was checking out one of the guys a few years older than me - I walked into a dustbin and ended up toppling in (metal dustbins on concrete are a sure fire way to make enough noise to get everyone's attention)

SarahandFuck that is one of the funniest things I've ever read.

sarah I almost choked here. Meow, bang

My story - very high level Xmas dinner at work: my boss, his boss, group president, his boss from the corporation headquarters etc.

After a few drinks I was telling a joke to my neighbours. People laughed. The biggest boss, who had been chatting to someone else, asked what we were laughing about. And of course, instead of repeating the joke, I just repeated the punchline. Really LOUD, so everybody at the table, who also didn't know it was a part of a joke, could hear it and assume that this was a personal opinion of mine.

The punchline was "There are no ugly men, just not enough vodka!"

So basically the whole management of the company now thinks I get drunk and sleep with anybody. Yes, still work there.

Oh god, DS has just asked me why I'm crying!

SarahandFuck Crying with laughter.

I saw the thread title and thought "oh here we go again... Sigh" and, as always happens I am sitting here crying.

TBH, I'm surprised any MNers are employable given the stories that come up on these threads!!

these are brilliant!

Few years ago - interviewed for a job with my shirt completely undone - it was a very hot summer, and I was in a rush when I dressed.

Couldn't understand why the interviewer looked so terrified, which caused me to go into nervous OTT loud high pitched giggle mode. I only realised once I was shown out. Mind you could have told me!

Oh goodness thanks Gatekeeper this should be in 'Classic'!

Yes I do stuff like this (hopefully will remember and come back). Thanks everyone, notably NeilJames the domino effect of cringe on the lightjeans wearer is priceless - I laughed so much I had to bite my arm to stifle myself