I made a complete tit of myself today and cannot stop cringing. Pat my shoulder

I've just remembered one more horrible cringe moment.
I had a dentist appointment and as usual, turned up about 5 minutes early. When I sat down in the empty waiting room, one of the worst nightmares for a man started to happen to me. For no reason at all, a part of me went into a state of arousal. Now usually, you have to wait a while before you're called through. Not this time. "You can go through now Neil". I pretended not to hear her. She shouted it again and I seriously considered just walking out and going home.
I headed for my dentists room thinking of horrible things like him yanking my teeth out without anaesthetic to make it go away but it wouldn't and I knew if I lay on that chair, him and his assistant are bound to notice. I had a t shirt and tracksuit bottoms on so it's not like I could pull my jumper down or anything. I went in and just sat on the chair sideways, leaning forward a bit, talking and trying to stall him. Eventually I just gave up and lay back. Him and his dental nurse just looked at each other then pretended that they hadn't noticed. I could feel myself burning up with embarrassment.
I have changed dentists now.

I am literally crying laughing and had to snort my way through reading half a dozen of these out to DP

Great stories. I also loved the dead leg on getting up from interview.

I was at a job interview recently, very professional and conservative job, and they reasonably asked me a predictable and simple question. What I like to do in my spare time. My answer was that I like to go clubbing. Fuck knows why, I'm 47 and haven't been clubbing in decades. I didn't get the job.

at least you'll have a funny story to tell for the rest of your life.

No, it's not her!

And I suspect NonnoMum isn't really JF!

though I have just googled it and her DH did then help put her back together , as it were.

error, I don't think it was the famous DH who ran to assist, it was a colleague who later became infamous, IIRC

Thank you all for this hilarious thread, just what I needed after literally being crapped on from a great height today. By a seagull who I swear flew off laughing to his mates.

Nonno - I remember that!

It was hilarious, the DH thought everyone was cheering him but it took a little while for him to notice it was actually Nonno's impressive bust causing the ruckus. It's on youtube . Must be 10 million times more embarrassing for famous people! At least people laughed though. It's very cringey when something like that happens and you're met with stony faces and feel like everyone thinks you're going mad.

NonnoMum, I remember that...

NonnoMum If you are who I think you are, then I know who you are! Didn't your husband so graciously help to preserve your modesty?!

I am laughing like Muttley here at these!

. Marking my place to read later...

These are all very funny:) so glad I clicked on this thread:)

I was once talking to a chap at the British embassy ( work related) on the phone, and he said his name, which sounded like a bark.( ruuuffff) I got the giggles and called him mr ruff!! over and over during the course of our conversation, which he politely ignored until he said at the end of our chat " its been a pleasure talking to you, miss lavenderhoney, and I assume you are aware I am recording this conversation for future reference?"

Op, your co workers sound awful, why didn't they laugh? And/ or help you? Or offer you tea?

Great thread!

My small contribution; In a job interview the guy was talking about disciplinary procedure, he said 'If you do it once, twice...'
'THREE TIMES A LADY' I have no idea why I felt the need to singshout that at him and didn't get the job.

@ NonnoMum
I think you got away with that one, I don't remember clips of that being shown all over the telly at all...

NonnoMum - just tried to Google that and the only hit was Milla Jovovich.

Oh, I've also done the 'kissing my boss' thing (on the cheek. The cheek!), accidentally called him Dad, and in my most painful, still turn puce when I think about it moment ever, accidentally smacked some poor man in the face with a packet of aspirin in the middle of Sainsburys. It's really not safe to let me out!

I'm part of a very successful husband/wife broadcasting team and we were fortunate enough to win an award at a rather grand ceremony... which I graciously accepted, whilst my unbuttoned dark blouse revealed my rather enormous slighty off-white bra underneath...

But none of you would have heard of that incident, would you?

When I was working in Japan I was asked how I had travelled to work that day. I decided that I would use the slang for 'by bicycle' except the slang for bicycle is very similar to the word for penis.

Yes I said 'by penis' to my boss.

Ha ha - you work with some miserable sods - I would have laughed loudly

I've now given myself a headache laughing at these. Keep em coming!

I really needed a cheer up today and this thread has done the job.

Another one - I was at an interview and was asked what I hoped for the future in terms of my career. I meant to say that I hoped to travel and wanted 'spread my wings and stretch my horizons'. However, what I ACTUALLY said was 'I want to spread my legs and stretch...' At this point, I knew I had just said the most awful thing and, in an attempt to recover from the situation, started to laugh in a 'Carry On' film style and said 'If you know what I mean, arf art'

The two interviewers looked at me in horror. Didn't get the job.

Oh no, that is hilarious!

I once, for no particular reason that I can think of, kept calling my aunt's husband 'Drunkard' instead of his actual name of 'David'. Of course, it was an open (but shameful) secret that he was an alcoholic.

Whenever I think of it, I just start sweating with embarrassment.