The utterly ridiculous / hysterical comments your friends come out with, in which you seriously question if they live on the same planet as you...[lighttheart]

This weekend just gone.

Me: DH can't eat the pizza because of all the cheese.
DM: But it's mild cheese 2Old.
Me: And?
DM: Well it's lower in fat than mature cheese.
Whole family

She's quite intelligent but genuinely thought the more mature the cheese the higher the fat content.

carabos your DH has just given me the biggest laugh of the day!

DH a couple of summers ago. "You know next door's apple tree, has it always grown apples?" No, it used to be pears. Of course it has you numpty.

DP at an antenatal class, when asked how long it might take each time I had to BF the twins. He veered between one minute and ten so settled on five...

When I was 15, my (male) friend asked how women coped with periods and how come we avoided having them in public. It turned out he thought they lasted about a minute - just one big gory whoosh, like a Geyser.

When DD was born days before our first wedding anniversary SIL said So you must've known when you got married you were already expecting...

Onapromise - that reminds me of an ex who once asked why women bother to use tampons as it must be such a pain taking them out every time you need to go to the loo. After much we finally worked out that he thought everything, I mean everything came out your fanjo!

When DS2 was born, the midwife handed him to me and I said to DH "ooh it's a boy". He said "how do you know?" . He made it worse by saying that he thought we had to wait for the midwife to tell us and I was "jumping the gun". . He still doesn't get why I think that's funny .

DH, after studying a painting of the ark for a long, loooong time: "There aren't any fish in it."

No, he wasn't joking. I checked.

Poster above reminded me of an ex boyfriend. He used to open tins of cat food (for cat) and wonder why the unrefrigerated cans were crawling with maggots a week later "how did they climb up there"? He had no idea they were baby flies. He was Australian which made it even weirder.

I was in 7th grade (am American) when my teacher went over the world map. Apparently Siberia is it's own country, and the whole of the UK is England- apart from Northern Ireland of course, which isn't in 'England' and is part of Ireland.

SIL "we just don't get depressed in our family cos we just wouldn't tolerate it."

The bone density in many black people is largely true but it isnt the reason for the lack of black competitors in swimming events.

www.prospectmagazine.co.uk/magazine/black-men-can-swim/#.Uk2ihNKsiSo

Interesting read.

I used to be a waitress and convinced some Americans that haggis's had 3 legs which made then easy to catch.

I had a friend think wee came from her clitoris..She was most confused her DP paid so much attention to where she weed from....

Um Feckoffcup Transylvania isn't a country, it's a region of Romania.

OnaPromise

I used to think that too until a couple of years ago... My friend was absolutely aghast that I didn't know. "How do you think you can wee with a tampon in then?!" "Erm... they're made of special material?"

I'd forgotten about that...

choccyjules I just can't work yours out - can you explain?

These are brilliant.

I was once asked, very earnestly, by a girl at university if Jesus came before or after the dinosaurs? I struggled to keep a straight face for that one.

Playing Trivial Pursuit with a very clever friend.
Me: "What's the largest archipelago in the world?"
Friend: "Um.... Cambridge?"

I was patiently explaining to a person who shall remain nameless MIL that the reason for the medical advice to keep a baby in the parents' room for 6 months was nothing to do with supervision, but rather based on the theory that the baby needs to learn to regulate its breathing by listening to its parents.

Said nameless person countered this by suggesting that since DH and I were both well-educated professionals, we wouldn't need to worry about this, since our baby would be clever and developmentally advanced

I was listening to my Dp and Ds talking the other day. Ds picked up the Chinese take away menu and had a read. He tried to pronounce Hors D'oeuvres but it came out as horse der ooves, Dp corrected him then said " I don't know what they are, vegetables or something".

I don't know why but its made me chuckle every time I think of it.

My OH has a mixed race little boy as his ex wife was black... So discussing who our baby might look like and what colour hair she would have and my mum replies "ooh you never know, she might have Sam's colouring"

Errmmm no mum, I think for a mixed race baby you need 2 different races... She is actually incredibly intelligent but lacks common sense occasionally ;-)

My friend thought she weed out of her fanjo. And she is very intelligent and very good at her (demanding) job.

southerncomforts sorry I don't get that?

Friend after we went to see titanic 'I totally didn't expect it to actually sink'

Pretty much every single thing said about the twins, including 'which one's evil?' and all the people who said, including the PILs, given I'd only just met my partner, he was going through a hideous divorce, we'd both lost our jobs, and I was going through tough times with my asperger's teen...'did you do IVF?'

I had a flatmate at Uni who called me to say the cooker was on fire. She'd turned the gas hob on.