The utterly ridiculous / hysterical comments your friends come out with, in which you seriously question if they live on the same planet as you...[lighttheart]

I had a friend who thought Australia was next to Scotland, and wondered if we could get there by minibus.

Same friend also asked what the cows were doing when one was on the other one's back! Her surprised comment: "Oh, don't they do it lying down like we do?" Now there's an interesting thought ...

Regarding reading books and getting things into your head... I was reading Circle of Friends by Maeve Binchy, and there's a line in it that goes something along the lines of, "He pulled off to the side of the road and two lorries hooted at him." or something. I read it to mean that lorries = asshole, so years later, when arguing with dp, I go, "Stop being such a lorry!"

Cue silence and confused looks. I thought it was a very offensive word, so started apologising... He let me feel bad for a good hour or so...

Following a cake recipe

Although if I were to follow anything cake would be a good bet.

Myself to DM whilst following a cake as a young teen:
'It says to add the butter and caster sugar and cream together but it doesn't say anywhere how much cream to add.'

.

I just stab the peas.

Regarding the fork and knife thing. My Sil insists that she eats left-handed. All she means is that she holds the knife in her left hand and the fork in the right. This is nothing to do with left-handed-ness!!!

I'm left-handed, my mum is left-handed, DH is left-handed, we all use our left hand for the fork and right hand for the knife. I am yet to meet a left-handed person who does otherwise.

Ladybigtoes, that made me laugh out loud

My tack room friends will get this. I received an email reply to my advert for a 'Registered Welsh Section A'. ....so is he 14:2 HH...?

I didn't bother replying.....!!

Regarding the reading words in books you never hear anyone say and mispronouncing them in your head:

When I used to read Enid Blyton books and someone called someone else a "fathead" I always thought it was a fath-ed. I could never work out why that was supposed to be insulting.

I'm forever swapping hands when I eat, if it's a meal I need a knife for that is. There's not many meals I cook where you need a knife and fork :o

Oh I do now exasperated. But I do have to force myself. And I say to my daughter 'stop eating like a navvy' when she shovels it in.

It's all a load of bullshit ismt it. The American way of eating makes more sense than my Downton Abbey habits.

Or, you could just shovel peas onto the fork held in your strong hand and make life easy for yourself. Seriously, I do not get this knife-swapping thing at all. The fork does the majority of the work in any meal, after all - by what right has the knife earned star place in the strong hand? DOWN WITH KNIVES.

As a child I mean. So it's indoctrinated.

If you're right handed, you keep the knife in your right hand and your fork in the left. Eating peas is a strange affair where you put them on the fork with your knife, and the tines of the fork are facing downwards (so the opposite to what makes sense).

I am as common as muck but if I turned my fork over to scoop my peas like a spoon my gran would go nuts.

At notre dame. Group of tourists. One says 'so when did quasimodo live here?'. Same group at the louvre (mona lisa) 'was that a guy or a chick?'

italics fail but you get the idea!

I eats me peas with honey
^I've done it all me life"
It makes me peas taste funny
But it keeps em on me knife

I've just remembered a corker from an ex-colleague - lovely lady, but always a bit - erm - dipsy.

She and her DP drove past a cinema on a daily basis (I'm going back years now, so think about old-fashioned cinemas). Apparently the conversation went like this one day :

Her : Blimey, that must be a popular film
Him : What do you mean?
Her : Well, it's been publicised for months and months.
Him :

I took some clients to Westminster Abbey. They stopped to look at a depiction of the last supper. One turned to me and said, "wow, so the artist really was THERE at the last supper?" Errrr, no. It took me a while to make sure this was what she'd actually said before I replied, assuring her it had been painted a good few centuries later.

I eat with fork in right hand, knife in left (am right handed). All this 'right hand/wrong hand' business is a load of bollocks.

But surely you eat peas by putting honey on a spoon and scooping them up

In primary school the girls were told off for playing rugby against the boys as it would damage our ovaries, and also boys could jump hurdles, but girls were discouraged from doing the high jump as it would make our stomach muscles too tight and make childbirth harder. This was the 1970's

Overheard in a large cathedral in London "is this where Adam and Eve are buried?"

Not sure about the pronunciation thing here. Googled dictionaries to see what they said, and listened to pronunciation guide they gave me.
Myopic is pronounced with the 'o' sound as in 'off'
Biopic is pronounced with the 'o' sound as in 'off'
(Myopia is pronounced with a long 'o' as in 'oh')

Was truly confused by "I assumed Batman could fly and shit."

The latter, but not the former, I believe.

LeGavrOrf I used to mispronounce truculent too (troosulent). And for years I thought anxiety was pronounced 'ankshitty' The perils of being a precocious reader and working words out for oneself - I had deduced that since anxious came out 'ankshus', then...