Please could you state one thing that your mother did with you that you will do/already do with your DD?

Hi. My mother left me and my father when I was 18 months old and I never saw her again. I had a stepmother who I didn't get on with from the age of 5 and, unfortunately, was never really a mother to me, so I had virtually no experience of mothering until I had my daughter who is now nine.

I have to say that this seems to have had no effect on my ability to be a mum and have a wonderful relationship with my daughter and my son.

I have found that what my daughter seems to appreciate most in our relationship is me spending time alone with her and listening to what she has to say. I encourage her to talk to me about any problems she is having and she has told me many times that she feels that she can trust me and tell me anything. I listen to her worries and try to talk things through with her so that she can work out what is best for her. We often sit and cuddle and I tell her that I love her at least once a day.

Obviously all children are different and some are not as keen to be so physical or may be reluctant to confide their difficulties. Get to know and respect the child you have, don't try to force them to be any different from how they are, and let them know you care and love them.

I am one of nine kids so my DM was pretty busy! However, one of my most precious memories is the time we spent when I came home from school. We would sit at the kitchen table with a big pot of tea and a plate of toast and just talk about our day. I could tell my mum anything growing up and that is the one thing I want my DD to be able to say about me.

Some of these are lovely

My DM had only just turned 17 when she had me. She was very on trend for the 70s. She did cool stuff with us like party nights with singing and dancing, coming home from school to a something fun and new (the brown velvet pedal pushers were my fav) and letting us experiment with hair and makeup. She was like a cool
Big sister but got strict in our teens as she wanted us to 'have a life' before children. She complained we left kids too long after that! (Sis was 30, I'm having my first at 42.)

Mrs DV, I hope you don't mind me saying, but whenever you talk about your daughter on MN I think it sounds like you did all those things and more. She sounds like such a top girl. I'm really, really sorry you can't continue to pass those things on but if it means anything, you always inspire me to be a better mum. I know that sounds stupid and soppy and it's not like I 'know' you or anything, but you do.

This is a lovely thread. My mum was shit. I was petrified I'd be a crap mum and sometimes I think I am but I try really hard.

Talk about books.
My mum was an avid reader, and we were always discussing the latest novel - classic or contemporary - we had read, and going to the theatre to see plays from different periods and cultures.

I am loving doing the same with my two girls. DD1 comes to the theatre/ National Theatre Live cinema events (she's an old hand at Shakespeare now, aged 14) and DD2 has just caught the reading bug and I am force feeding encouraging her to try all the classic children's authors I loved as a child.

Being a motherless mum, as I am, is a challenge, but I like to think that she would approve of what I am doing with the kids.

Books and learning. She did her degree quite late (I must have been about 8 when she started), but even before then, there were always books and learning was always encouraged. She read some of her manageable uni books to me as bedtime stories, and those are my best childhood memories.

That there's no such thing as girl things or boy things - just the things you're interested in, and not to let anyone stop you enjoying something that you "shouldn't". She has never limited my ambition - my dad told me to not do a science degree, because I'd scare all the boys. She encouraged me to do the MSc that got me my current career. My career is brilliant.

No body criticism in her house meant that I've grown up with a good body image. Makeup, hair dye (even the green dye a week before I started a new school - whatever, so long as you're happy with yourself, everyone else can go swivel. And periods are no big deal. A hassle, but not a problem and certainly not a drama.

How to cook, and confidence in the kitchen. I've been vegetarian for 15 years, but because of that I can still knock out a steak, stew or full-on roast.

Lots and lots of cuddles and tell her she's gorgeous and beautiful , but I bet you're already doing those things already.
My mother grew up with a mum that said horrible things about her and shot her confidence to bits so she made it her mission in life to be the opposite of her.
The other thing is my mum read the night before Christmas and Rudolph every Christmas Eve, and I loved it, I now do the same with my children x

Hi my daughter is 11 and just started big school -but every morning when she wakes I ask her what is like to be so beautiful and clever ?

I also go horse pony/ riding with her on her non pupils days - the deal was if my jodhpurs fitted after all that time - I have two children of different ages but it is lovely to do things with just her - when its possible .
When I check her school work she has written about our pony days - its lovely

Took me to piano lessons, made me have braces and took me to all the appointments, made and paid for me to have driving lessons, made me take swimming lessons, took me to the library, instilled in me the importance of hard work. Lots of practical things that I am now very grateful for.

Emotionally not there so much so I would do everything possible to have a closer and more open relationship with any daughter of mine. Agree with no dieting or talk of dieting, constant reassurance and praise, frequent reminders that you are there if she needs to talk, that sort of things. And yes, also more open about sex, love, relationships, friendships, more of a focus on the bigger picture of how to muddle through this rather wonderful thing called life as a confident young woman

Mum always read to my brother & I at bedtime. I always read to my daughter.

Mum also taught us how to make a pot of tea (proper china pot, loose leaf tea) from a very very early age....the first time I made a pot I was about 5 and my brother was 4; we took my parents tea in bed and put sugar in the teapot but the fact that they still drank it meant everything to us!

I have a little ritual for my daughter now surrounding tea. When she gets in from school, she has her own teapot of Lady Grey with a piece of cake - which she has whilst watching TV during her half hour 'wind-down'. It sets her up nicely for doing homework afterwards........

Lovely thread

I wonder how much of the nice every day stuff you appreciate at the time...? Or maybe you just take it for granted at the time and it becomes a lovely memory later on?

A lot of everyday things I do for my dds I do without thinking - making their favourite drinks/food, taking time to chat with them, tuck them in at night, loads of kisses/cuddles. I really, really hope they will remember those moment when they're grown up.

In early childhood I don't think it matters whether you're a Mum or a Dad, you just have to go with the flow, get involved in what the kids enjoy, whether it's baking or playing trains. I'm a single mum with two boys, so we spend our weekends watching trains, playing football, and last weekend we went on a tank ride! Totally out of my "comfort zone" but I enjoy it all because it's what my boys like.

When your daughter is older then I guess the "mum things" get more important. My Mum told me very early on about periods, which was handy as I started when I was 10, so I think all that useful practical stuff is important. And throughout my 20s she patiently listened to me moaning about my various boyfriend traumas, and then my IVF traumas and so on.

My Mum did, and still does, make it clear that she will do anything for me, make any sacrifice that she can, whatever it takes to make my life easier. Obviously I don't need anything now that I'm an independent adult, but knowing she's there with that unconditional limitless love is very reassuring.

another for baking which we have done since he was old enough to hold a spoon, although I have a DS its still the thing we always do together.
Other things I remember are;
reading and bedtime stories
collecting conkers
making camps and assault courses
fruit picking and making jam (he makes the labels)

Meaning not close with my mum. I have ambitions that way for my 3-yr old dd!

Teach her to knit, but hopefully a bit more patiently than my mum was with me!
That's it. We weren't and aren't close.

MrsDV - that's so sad.

Bumblebee you reminded me of the time my mum found an article about Sarah Ferguson and her daughters going clubbing together. She almost succeeded in winding me up sufficiently to believe she was serious about going to 'one of those drum and bass nights' with me "Apparently it's what all the trendy mothers are doing as a bonding thing with their daughters! I'm sure Bon Marche have a trendy outfit that would be just the thing.. and I could ask the DJ to play Neil Diamond.."
At that point she dissolved into helpless laughter at the expression of utter horror on my face. My aunt did similar when she threatened to get the same tattoo as her 19-year-old son.

I think my mum passed on a very mischeivous sense of humour.

This is such a nice thread. It makes me also realise I'm probably not doing too bad a job.

leo I would say that what others have said upthread is true, if you are worrying that you might not be getting it right, it probably means you are doing pretty well. A friend said similar to me once when I was stressing about how I parent. She said the fact I bother to come on mn and look for help and advice means that I am doig the best I can.

Got a lovely warm fuzzy feeling reading this thread! My dd has recently turned 6 and she is such fun to be with (usually!). She loves having mummy-time and this thread is such a good reminder to make more time for us together, thanks!

My mum never told me she loved me, and so I try to make sure I tell my dd I love her, and that this is NEVER connected to her being good/bad or otherwise. I do it at random times, at least a couple of times a week. And occasionally at equally random times she does it back :) (she is two so strictly speaking am not sure she understands it! But I will take it anyway).

Also just to add, me and my mum have a great relationship and what I loved about her was that she was always there for me and gave me her opinion on things but she never tried to be my 'best friend' or use me as a friend to go out with. She had her circle of friends and I was her daughter. I personally think this is a much healthier way. Kids need to find there own way in life and be a kid for as long as poss. x

I make sure that when a day with a theme comes up (only way I can put it) ie Christmas, Easter, Halloween, Pancake day(!) (there is usually always SOMETHING at least once a month) I make an effort with my kids to celebrate - nothing to do with religion or beliefs just an excuse for total fun. Carve pumpkins, decorate the christmas tree, Easter egg hunts, etc. I think its those sort of things that children remember.

I haven't really explained this very well by using the word 'theme' but I hope you know what i mean!!

Being a mum takes immense effort, and implementing rituals and keeping them up does too but I know that your daughter will really appreciate it and remember it well into her adult life...

I read a nice little saying the other day that said 'Behind every great kid is a mother who's sure she's screwing it up..'

My mum flew out to Sierra Leone where I was living to be with me when ds was born. That was 1970 and Mum had never been further than a package holiday to Majorca. She gave me unconditional love and I miss her more than I can say.
My own dd is 39 now and she and I are very close. We talk most days and I help with childcare. We shop together and often have long chats with a glass of wine or a cup of tea. It is too hard to pick out individual things but if I am half the mother my mum was then I will be well pleased.

Share all the things you love doing. For me that has been reading, going for walks, holidays, cooking, playing board games, watching films, going to the theatre, doing crafts, singing. Your little girl will soon let you know what her preferences are too .

Read out loud to us every night until we were really quite old- about 11 or something.
Played tennis
Made a Nigel Lawson glove puppet (dont ask)
Read thru my homework and made constructive comments (Tiger Mom )
Made good suggestions about topics I could do for coursework projects
Took me to London to see all the major museums/galleries
Wrote letters from the fairies (although once she did take advantage of this to write me a fairy note saying that I would not be considered for a hamster until I learned to feed the rabbit)

I see it as my duty to pass forward my mum's love. She is such a patient, kind, calm person, with real time for small children. She always listened very carefully to us, never, ever told us what to do, and supported us to find our own way. I felt so cared for, so loved as a child, i'm trying hard to create that security for my own dcs.

Dm was brilliant when we were poorly, sitting with us for hours, snuggling us up, making tempting morsels, stroking my face to soothe me to sleep. I now relish my dcs when ill, hoping I'm soothing them too.

We were always read to, until quite old and dm enjoyed reading to us, with is, alongside us. We visited the library weekly and chose books together. She told us brilliant stories, and wrote little poems about us. She encouraged our imaginations, played endless games and allowed things like extra seats/plates for our dolls.

Dm genuinely enjoyed our company, I never felt tolerated, I felt treasured. She loved walking and took us to lovely places. She swam in the sea with us, revelling in it. I have already started this with dcs at 1 &3.

She was determined that ours would be a welcoming home, so we always had friends over. She was never fissy about the house, allowing us to paint, bake, glue etc, but somehow managed to keep the house running smoothly. One of my memories is coming home after school to my bed all made and clean washing laid on it for me to put away. It all felt so sorted, and safe.

Dm was open about everything, talked honestly about the big issues. She had no body issues, and helped us to feel grateful for what our bodies can do. She insured I had no fear of labour and birth, talking of her experiences in a positive way. She was a true feminist, believing women had the right to be and whatever tgey wanted to.

Dm gave me so, so much. It's a hard act to follow. I will do everything to give my dcs the sense of consistency, safety, security, love & fun - it's the greatest gift I have been given.