Ridiculous, embarrassing accidents/injuries..

I crushed my nipple while using a garlic press.

My friend worked as a chef (very posh, expensive restaurant) - one of the girls had been chopping chillies and gone to the loo (being naughty - to the customer loos cos nearer and the restaurant was closed). Took a while before they realised she was missing...and then a while to find her... naked from waist down, sat in a sink of cold water - almost hysterical- too sore to get out of the sink, but knew the restaurant was opening soon and a customer might find her!
Another friend - (stupidly) using a big chefs knife to cut the middle out of a cauliflower in her hand - knife slipped - had to go to A&E with a knife sticking through her palm - cauliflower still attached!
Another restaurant - female chef - really proud of her very heavily sprayed straightened and styled hair (was naturally afro) - kept 'forgetting' to wear a hat cos it spoiled her hair .. .she couldn't get a gas oven to light - stuck her head inside to look - as ignited with a mini explosion setting her hairspray alight - quick thinking colleague picked her up and threw her - head first into a sink of really dirty washing up water! (She was fine, just shocked, hair a bit singed ...and did start wearing her hat and using less hairspray!)

Made some delicious belizian chilli sauce if I may say so myself. Made with a zillion scotch bonnets and habanero chillis. Which I chopped. By hand. Without gloves.

It was, my Dr friends who lived with me said, the first time they have heard of someone giving themselve second degree burns with capsasin.

I struggled to sleep for 3 nights I was in so much pain and the burns were all over my very sensitive finger pads.

I have been bitten by a miniature horse.I can confirm that it did not have miniature teeth.
Have also been bitten by a lamb,that drew blood.

I got a bit over-competitive at wii sports table tennis and badly bruised my hand by whacking a wall

Jesus Hehe! I have inspired some strange reactions in people over the years, but that's a new combo. I am taking it as a compliment.

I super-glued my teeth once! I was gluing something ( can't remember what) and had the lid of the superglue in my mouth between my teeth (needed both hands for the gluing bit!) I tried to put the lid on the tube by pushing the end of tube into the lid while it was still between my teeth. I missed the lid and squeezed superglue all over my teeth. It stuck to my teeth but did not stick them together (thankfully).
I phoned my dentist and he fell about laughing reassured me that it wouldn't damage my teeth but just wear off gradually over the next couple of days (which it did!) Now I wonder quite how he knew this would be the case!

Re the octopus, that is...

oinkling Just laughed so hard I cried and farted

Error I've done that with the chillies. Have also had a burnt umm... mini-oinkling after eating extremely hot food and then peeing a couple of hours later. It had gone right through me.

Oh, and if you want to stop people picking their nose, make them chop naga chillies. The pain is unimaginable for about two hours.

Not me, but I've remembered a couple of willy related ones from college:

One poor catering student had been chopping chillis and then had gone to use the urinals... his tutor was asking around all the offices for milk he could pour on it to stop the burn!

A woodwork student was messing about with tools and bashed the heads of 2 hammers together, a splinter sheared off and lodged itself into his penis through his pants.

College had a sort of Fresher's week (where info about sex ed/joining clubs etc is handed out). A member of staff walking through the corridor slipped on a free condom and hurt his leg.

Recently my Mum had an accident. She had a little visit to A&E to glue up her eyebrow and has a big black eye... after falling over trying to pick up a cat poo.

OP how could you have forgotten gluing your foot to the carpet? That has made me laugh all the more!

I mean, I regularly glue my fingers together and spend a few days looking like a Star Wars fan, but actually gluing myself to something else is not easily forgotten!

I sat bare bottomed on a wasp.....

And another one (previously posted on MN)

I was doing a maintenance check on a bus; had been told the emergency exit was faulty, so I pulled the handle and shoved the door open with my shoulder.

It flew open, with me following. I hit the bus parked in the next bay and knocked myself out!

Arf at accidental lapdance

My most embarrassing was at the cinema. Me and my friend were messing about in the queue and i stepped back to get away from her and toppled over a man in a wheelchair, accidentally giving him a bit of a lap dance in the process. Onlookers stared in horror. He was lovely about it and even said sorry to me in a truly British fashion.

I have remembered another,

Me aged 12 new trainers that had the clasps on the side like walking boots so I'm walking all casual like thescoence lab as they were the first bang on trend trainers I'd had when the laces in left trainer caught clasps in right trainer resulting in me falling flat on my face as I couldn't seperate them. Ended up with grit in my hand still there and 6 stitches in my knee.

This thread is somewhat like a better than usual episode of 'Miranda' .....

.... plenty of ideas for her next series here!

I'd just started a new job aged 18, me and another girl went out for a ride. We were cantering pretty fast down the track and saw a low branch. We assumed the horses would keep on going so we ducked. The horses stopped dead, we both somersaulted straight over their heads. My friends hat came down and smacked her on the Nose, causing it to bleed. I flew straight into the nettle and bramble bushes. I was covered in scratches and stings including on my face.

7 months pregnant and I'd gone to the pub next door with two colleagues after finishing my shift. I had on a pair of new boots that had no grip on the soles whatsoever and ended up slipping and doing the splits by accident. It was loud and busy. No one really noticed I'd gone for a Burton and as I slipped one foot ended up under a stool. I had no choice but to tap a random man on the arse so he could stand up and set me free. He had a bemused look on his face and seemed a bit pissed off that I'd bothered him. A couple on the next table came to help me up. He just stood holding the stool until I had been helped up. Tool.

Almost everytime - when we move from naked cuddle to goint to DTD my DH levers himself up wtih his elbow on my bingo wing - actual agony. Puts you right off the notion.

I just knew it was going to be stipple

Mine would have to be the time I folded a plastic deck chair on my boob bought tears to my eyes and still have the scar now.