Oh god i can't believe i've blocked this one out. The worst wedding i have attended was my BM's and her H (the one who got called a slag at my wedding).
They decided to do it on a shoestring. Fine. The grooms aunt and uncle were doing the catering. They hired a 'venue' which was a storage facility for some fairground equipment. The equipment is taken out seasonally the place is on the beach front so friend hired it for the first weekend in March (when it comes out). Bride is a big drinker. As was i and another friend. Other friend (lets call her Sue) despite us reminding constantly didn't bother booking a hotel as she was convinced something would 'come up'. She didn't want to pay the extra £40 to get a family room with me and DH (she was quite rude when we offered). ExH and i give Sue a lift to town of the wedding the night before (with no money offered) as we are helping in the morning with 'last minute bits'. Sue decides she will crash at Brides the night. When i turn up at 10am the day of the wedding. (Wedding at 2.30pm) Bride opens the door with a puffy swollen face from obvious crying, reeks of booze, slurring and with chocolate icing all over her hands. She has ordered 3 different sized birthday cakes to be delivered (as they are cheaper) and is scraping the 'happy birthday' writing off with her dirty faggy fingers then trying to stand one on top of each other. When we enter the flat there is debris of a drunken night, over flowing ash trays etc. Sue is there and they tell me they have drunk all night and Bride is upset with 'nerves'.
The kitchen is full of rolls and sandwich fillings all still in packages and unmade. They were meant to be making the buffet the night before but cracked into the cava instead (and drank almost all of it). So I am instructed to start buttering frantically. Friend then has to go to hair app and leaves us manically preparing food. Not before she informs exH the venue has no cable they need to hook up the ipod she has done for the wedding. The groom is off for a couple of days and not contactable due to stress he just said he'd see her there. So exH is dispatched around a busy shopping centre trying to source necessary wire.
Brides mum arrives and then realises she hasn't brought her outfit. Bride arrives back from hair dressers and discovers she's forgotten to buy serving platters for the buffet so the solution (offered by MoB) is to put all the rolls in bin bags and offer them round like a lucky dip, 'wont that be jolly'. At noon Bride gets a phone call from Grooms relatives who are doing the 'hot meal' to find not only they have not even left (an hour and a half away on a good day) but they haven't cooked the food in advance and are going to do a goat curry when they arrive.
Bride is hysterically crying and decides to go and have a hot soak in the bath (and the heat ruins the curls in her hair) while exH, Sue and I are in charge of carrying all the food in relays down to the venue at the sea front. (none of us are dressed). We swing by the hotel to pick up suits etc and have to change in the loos of the venue and Sue and I do our make up with no mirrors. At one point I am carrying a not stable 3 'tiered' cake across 4 lanes of traffic with a box lid blown over my face so i can't see where i'm going and my dress blown up and am unable to adjust myself.
Groom turns up to the Venue to say he's lost the ipod with all the music.
We go to the wedding. None of grooms family are there and we wait, and wait, and wait. In the end they have to go ahead. Bride arrives and looks frankly like she's been up drinking all night and crying all day. Grooms family turn up, almost an hour late, just as it's over and say angrily 'you could have waited'. ExH is the photographer as a favour so starts doing his snapping duties. On the beach front, freezing and blowing a gale.
The front of the warehouse venue is up as no windows so we are all sitting in baltic cold with random strangers walking in. The Sister of the bride is sitting opposite me with blue lips and shivering uncontrollably. The food is 2 hours late so we all sit there waiting.
Someone on the grooms side offers their ipod so we are treated to aggressive ragga music on loop.
Sue still hasn't found a place to stay and I ask what she's planning to do. She says 'oh i'll just crash at Brides (studio flat)'. Bride says err i don't think so. Sue is pissed off at Brides unreasonableness and at 2am flounces off to 'find a hotel' with one of the male guests. They find one for £250, drink the mini bar dry and sleep past check out and have to pay extra (haha!)
ExH is so drunk he pukes in the bed at the hotel, on my side, and then passes out on his side while i am in the loo. SO i sleep kaying on the floor with no covers. And have to wash the sheets out.
ExH and i decide to make the photographs into a nice gift. But the pics are awful. Bride looks like whatever happened to baby jane. exH spends weeks photo shopping and we put the 3 best in frames and the rest in a naice (expensive) album. We meet up with the B&G when they return from honeymoon and take them for lunch (no fucking idea why we paid) and present them with their gift. They are not impressed. Bride does not try to hide her disappointment and doesn't thank us or exH. In fact she is really rude to exH. So i get her alone (we had been friends since 5yo) and say 'hey exH worked really hard on those, and you didn't even say thank you' and she said 'why should i say thank you, i don't like them, i look awful'. I lost my temper and said 'he's a photographer - not a fucking magician'!
We are no longer friends, and exH is now living with Sue 
. He defo downgraded. 