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Original poster

What's the worst/funniest thing that a man has ever said to you after having sex?

267 replies

makemineamalibuandpineapple · 14/08/2013 22:34

I had been having a fling with a guy I had met online. He had come over and we had just DTD 5 times!! It was 3am and I was showing him out and he said "We'll touch base" Grin I thought, "I'm never going to see this man again". And guess what, 3 years later I still haven't. Thankfully I am now loved up with my lovely bf but that still makes me chuckle whenever I think about it.

OP posts:
NutritiousAndDelicious · 15/08/2013 07:41

'It's alright, don't say thank you' Wink

It's alright mate, I wasn't going to Hmm

YouStayClassySanDiego · 15/08/2013 07:39

Im still in bed and lolling at some of these Grin.

The fountain and donkey shrek voice men are cracking!!

livinginwonderland · 15/08/2013 07:28

Some of these are brilliant.

I once slept with someone who answered the phone to his MOTHER about five seconds after we'd had sex and had a fifteen minute conversation with her Hmm

MeanAndMeaslyMiddleAges · 15/08/2013 02:55

kinNora What, are you a velociraptor or something?

differentnameforthis · 15/08/2013 02:54

Worst - I'll leave the money on the table in the morning (was late at night)

This was dh, for some reason after the deed, he realised that he hadn't given me the money he took out the bank for me on his way home from work, and choose that moment to tell me where he would leave it.

AnotherStitchInTime · 15/08/2013 02:20

Worst thing: "If only you were black"

Post-coital racism is always a turn off I find.

Secretswitch · 15/08/2013 02:19

Oh God can you feel me pumping you full of my love?
Why yes..yes I can..
What else could I possibly have said?

TheMagicKeyCanFuckOff · 15/08/2013 01:56

He was marking you on your vagina KingJoffrey? Woah. It would be rude but slightly more understandable to mark the whole sex thing overall, but to mark a piece of your anatomy?!

Sparklysilversequins · 15/08/2013 01:22

I was very upset at the time, it was just so unnecessary. However I knew his ex vaguely and when out one night ran into her and told her what he had said. She was disgusted by him and really sorry for me and refused to ever speak to him again. She and I became very good friends actually.

UnitedZingDom · 15/08/2013 01:20

"that's it, I can't do this again, this baby better come out soon!" said DH when I was 9 days overdue and we'd just had sex after sweep! Grin

(baby was born the same day, so it worked)

KingJoffrey · 15/08/2013 01:18

I'm female btw, in spite of my name. And yes he was talking about my vagina Hmm

Darkesteyes · 15/08/2013 01:17

Sparkly.....what a git.

Mynewmoniker · 15/08/2013 01:14

Was he a mute Chibbs? Grin

Sparklysilversequins · 15/08/2013 01:13

IMMEDIATELY after it finished he said "you do know I only did this to get back at my ex don't you so it won't be happening again" Shock

Chibbs · 15/08/2013 01:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Darkesteyes · 15/08/2013 01:00

My ex OM said "Its coming its coming. I cant stop it. EVERY single time he came.

I think i want him back Sad

KingJoffrey · 15/08/2013 00:59

"Not bad, I'd give it a solid 8.5/10"

WTAF

50shadesofmeh · 15/08/2013 00:57

Crying with laughter at " my seed " and take that

TheMagicToyshop · 15/08/2013 00:49

Wow some of these are impressive.

Mine would definitely be 'um... where's the condom gone?'

I imagine you can guess the answer Blush

IneedAyoniNickname · 15/08/2013 00:44

Sneaky that reminds me of another gem from the guy I mentioned up thread.
The first time he saw my naked norks he said "wow,.I can tell you've never breastfed"
I was Confused as i fed ds1 for 20months, stopped when I was 3 months pg.
Then I fed ds2 for 3 years
Grin

Iamnormalish · 15/08/2013 00:41

OMFG!!! Some of these are hilarious and damn awful.

None of my own to report however I have a mate who told me one bloke she was seeing for a while always used to call out" Yee Haar, hole in one" everytime he came.

Apparently it was an in joke with her friends at the time (I met her years later) but if they were in the oub and he was also there instead of saying hi they all used to day "Yee Haar". She said she does not think he put tow and two together and realised they were all taking the piss out of him.

Mynewmoniker · 15/08/2013 00:39

My friend's ex-husband always used to end with "Take THAT!"

(Oops! No I wasn't sleeping with him...my friend told me Blush)

She said it was OK 'cos she always pretended he was Gary Barlow anyway. Grin

alltoomuchrightnow · 15/08/2013 00:37

and he is still positively rampant. He'll be bending her over the zimmer frame when they're 100, I'm sure..

alltoomuchrightnow · 15/08/2013 00:36

An ex from half my lifetime ago...not after, but before..'I'm as randy as a ram, I am'.... Hmm He was MASSIVE in that department..i couldn't handle it (quite literally!) so he didn't last long. Burst every condom within seconds. Oh and 'during'.. 'you're not leaving this room till i give you an orgasm' Hmm (yep, nothing like pressure!) He was only my 2nd..and 20 yrs older. I've since compared notes with someone he's DTD with in recent years.. she couldn't 'handle' him either and said he used to pace the room before sex, puffing and grunting! Shock Oh and he broke her rib during. He's now married..to a sex therapist who looks like ET!! Grin

Sunnysummer · 15/08/2013 00:24

We lived next door to a couple who were fairly noisy... But the worst bit was that on completion he would shout 'MY SEED'.

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