What's the worst/funniest thing that a man has ever said to you after having sex?

I was told ' you're the biggest woman I've ever been with' I cordially dumped him soon after. shallow bastard

I was on holiday and was 'romanced' by a waiter. I was with my friend and Enrique helpfully lined all the other waiters up so my friend could choose which one she wanted to share!

Then he got the keys to another apartment and we all went in. I said I didn't want to have sex because I was scared of getting pregnant.

He helpfully told me I could go to London for an abortioni......

To my shame I then shagged him....i have much more self respect now....but I'm guessing he could see what I was then

I once had a boyfriend when I was a teenage who finished, got up and wiped his cock on His bedroom curtains!
He was an ex immediately after!

my ex who dashed out of bed after manually ..errr.. 'finishing' me off, saying "yuk!...I'm just going to wash this slime off my hands"

Git!

Ah I'm in the mood for humiliating my EA ex so here goes...

Pre climax 'make it cry'
'Mummy'
Requests to bark at him

drink from my fountain

Hysterical...................

A friend told me once, crying with laughter, about the chap who called out "Mummy, mummy" as he came.

I don't have any stories of my own to share, but thought that one was threadworthy.

Lots of men say thank you because they've grown up in a culture which tells them sex is something a man does to a woman, and ergo you have let me do this "to" you rather than it being something you did together.

It's the while women as gatekeepers thing at play and it depresses me

(Sorry to be serious on funny thread)

It's the complete arrogance of some of these that makes the mind boggle.

If only they knew how much better sex was for women ...

"I don't know about you, but I'm done, so I'm off to have a shower because my mate's coming over in 20 minutes. Here's one of my t-shirts you can use as a wank-aid, because it smells of me".

I'm still cringing 16 years later and frankly don't understand why I didn't kick him in the balls.

Thank you. Said by one ex after every shag. Pathetic.

But actually lots of men have said thank you. WTF is that? (Ignores fact that I've just admitted to sleeping with lots of men). I don't think I do anything that special, except put out pretty easily!

" what was your name again?" .
I married the knobber for 13 years

After the first time we had sex " I don't think we should see each other again". Fifteen years on we are still together and have been happily married for 9

When I was at uni in halls of residence there was a guy who liked to shout "you bitch" repeatedly as he came. Kind of killed my mood. Also, he liked to call round on the off chance, with condom in-situ...

After I told DP i was pregnant we DTD to, err, "celebrate" - He got up did some sort of iron man pose and said "i'm a man" he was 40!

No one could possibly have serious sex with a glow in the dark condom? It's like shagging a light sabre and means that Dh spends the part of sex that should be forplay waving his cock round in the dark making the light sabre noise, kind of kills the mood! I married a nerd lol

Titsalina

Some gems I've had was, "thanks" "oh god I'm sorry it was your fault coz you're so sexy" (I'm not and its not my fail he lasted one pump) "you had better be pregnant this time I can't be bothered to do this again and again all the time", when attempting to manually finish me off "go on, do it for me, do it" repeatedly whispered in my ear every.fucking.time!
Yep you guessed it its all Dh lol when i used to visit him at his mums and when we lived with her immediately after sex he would get up go to the toilet and then go and have a chat with her, leaving me sat alone (usually to finish his half assed job) in the end I told him it was fucking creepy!

I slept with a guy once who on every stroke said "thank you" another who immediately got up and without a word passed me my clothes and locked himself in the bathroom, I just got dressed and left rather confused. Another who on the last stroke said "please don't tell my wife" sorry? THAT'S when you decide to tell me you're married!
One night stand who said after "you don't mind that I took the condom off half way through do you? I didn't like it" yes I did mind! Had to get the morning after pill, despite my moral objection and had to endure the humiliation of asking the gp to test for stds (all clear) he couldn't understand why it'd be a problem, apparently he often did it.
Oh and the guy who made monkey noises the whole way through sounded like he was dipping it in boiling water!

Now I sound like The village bike lol

I had a lovely, very Withnail type friend who once staggered in demanding gin after suffering "A serious case of Post Coital Revulsion".

I think his ONS bed partner had asked to marry him.

Once, during - DURING - sex, the guy stopped, sniffed the air and then announced "I think the cat just farted."

Actually LOLing at some of these

This will out me totally be I cba to name change.

My now DP once (while wearing a glow in the dark condom) sang a Starwars parody of American Pie to me while dtd. I found it fucking hilarious.

He's also had mid sex dancing session to 'sexy and I know it' when my phone started to ring with that song.

I

Remember that 90's song that goes "whoop there it is". My friend announced this post shag over a decade ago and is still cringing

I like saying "Finish him" in a Street Fighter voice and "Thar she blows" in a pirate voice.

Crying at "drink from my fountain"

Technically it was before, but ons said (whilst undoing his jeans) "don't be intimidated" ... I wasn't