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Original poster

What's the worst/funniest thing that a man has ever said to you after having sex?

267 replies

makemineamalibuandpineapple · 14/08/2013 22:34

I had been having a fling with a guy I had met online. He had come over and we had just DTD 5 times!! It was 3am and I was showing him out and he said "We'll touch base" Grin I thought, "I'm never going to see this man again". And guess what, 3 years later I still haven't. Thankfully I am now loved up with my lovely bf but that still makes me chuckle whenever I think about it.

OP posts:
ImNotBloody14 · 15/08/2013 18:23

BOF! Grin that's brilliant- what was his BP?

BoffinMum · 15/08/2013 18:18

Blood pressure

BoffinMum · 15/08/2013 18:18

I probably shouldn't share this, but once DP stopped, put a cloud pressure machine on for a laugh, and measured how high his BP went whilst subsequently climaxing. It went VERY high. I think that's probably something you can only do with a life partner really Grin

CruCru · 15/08/2013 17:45

Not after sex but my ex used to ask me for a blowjob in a baby voice. That was gross.

Also, he would sort of tilt his pelvis towards my mouth in a hopeful manner. That was also gross.

Why on earth did I stay with him so long?

UnitedZingDom · 15/08/2013 17:06

Cake anyone?

happygirl87 · 15/08/2013 17:05

I am loving these, esp fountain Grin I have a friend whose OH used to say "plug me in" at the start of DTD Confused.

DP and I have always talked about the scene in Bridget Jones' Diary, where Hugh Grant asks if it's true that Colin Firth always says at the crucial moment (in a v. poker faced manner) "I'm-sorry-but-I-think-I'm-going-to-come"- DP says he's going to try to do that, and I always say that if he's thinking of Hugh Grant at that point it's a sign that the relationship has run its course!

(Warning, poss. triggering) STBEx used to like to say "I'm raping you and giving you AIDs" as he came.....I was 16. So so so glad I'm with my lovely DP now, not him!

WitchyLeaks · 15/08/2013 14:28
theme. Great thread Grin
Sheshelob · 15/08/2013 14:21

"Interesting. It seems, when I squeeze your bottom, my penis gets hard, much like a pump."

It was like busting Mr Spock's virginity. And he wasn't even a virgin.

happyinherts · 15/08/2013 14:20

first time wicked sex with very attractive new partner - immediately upon doing the deed he says (recovering) "Crikey, you're the first I've had no feelings for"

If he had been 16 I wouldn't have minded. He was 51. Like an idiot I smiled sweetly and said it was fine. It wasn't. I could have burst nto tears but that's not dignified, so it got swept under carpet. Should have thrown his clothes out of window and told him to go and get them.

Relationship did not last - two years later he said "I've been talking out of (male appendage) and disppeared off the planet.

LazyFaire · 15/08/2013 14:00

I did get 'You're so tight' once, obviously meant to be a compliment, but I wasn't so much tight as dry as a bone... Foreplay had obviously never crossed his mind!

ColinButterfly · 15/08/2013 13:41

pennielane Tell me he didn't include the line 'bass is kicking, drums is drumming, when you hear d-d-d- i'm coming'

That's just bonkers!

PennieLane · 15/08/2013 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TrinityRhino · 15/08/2013 13:19

An ex used to say 'thankyou so much' and then 'I'm sorry'

I was his second sexual partner and he had zero confidence in anything at all

he also came in literally 15 secs of penetration so I'm guessing that is what the sorry was for

mirry2 · 15/08/2013 13:14

Whenever we started to dtd my ex would say 'I'm going to pump and pump until I squirt'. Eww...made me feel ill but I put up with it for a few weeks before telling him I really didn't like him saying it. Relationship didn't last very long. He also used to thank me, as if I was doing him a favour.

50shadesofmeh · 15/08/2013 13:10

I once had sex with a guy who kept saying
"Big tits- big tits-big tits"
Made me feel nice and paranoid :-)

ImNotBloody14 · 15/08/2013 13:02

I think a lot of these are prime candidates for the "its ok not to talk" disclaimer Grin

Doodlecockaquack · 15/08/2013 12:51

I've My sister has had a cuppa and I'm she's still chuckling Sneaky. Grin It's a good few years on but it's very theraputic!

Some of these are Shock I do love my nice normal boring husband!

UnitedZingDom · 15/08/2013 12:48

heir now that is my favourite! Grin

HeirToTheIronThrone · 15/08/2013 12:45

My friend once had a guy who did a NASA-style countdown to when he was going to come. Every time...

OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly · 15/08/2013 12:44

Something I said that became a regular occurence for sex with ex.

He was very into trucks/lorries (family members were lorry drivers) and in convo one night in the pub I said "Bet you'd like to yell out 'Scania' at the erm...peak moment" and we giggled.

Of course that night, after drunken DTD, I yelled out "Scania" (marque of truck) and we collapsed laughing. And every time after that, he yelled it out.

We didn't stay together very long after thatn (not related) but I wonder did he yell it out with subsequent gfs? Can you imagine that happening with no warning?!

Chopsypie · 15/08/2013 12:43

'Do you mind if I fart?'

Ladies, I married him

UnitedZingDom · 15/08/2013 12:39

may mention pre-sex phrases? my DH does invite me sometimes by saying :" do you want some babygravy?" Grin
so romantic. I tend to decline.

Nancy66 · 15/08/2013 12:34

Drink from my fountain is the best....

Not after sex but during: 'Call me "daddy" '

I didn't and we never saw each other again. Shudder.

Sayitdontsprayit · 15/08/2013 12:28

Being slapped on the ass and being called a bad boy! ROFL, however, it was hilarious. He was mortified.

SneakyNuts · 15/08/2013 12:21

You're welcome Cock Grin even abbreviating your name is making me chuckle, time for a coffee I think!