What's the worst/funniest thing that a man has ever said to you after having sex?

A fling whilst removing the condom, dangled it close to my face and said 'fucking hell look how much jis is in there, my balls must have been full'!

Absolute charmer!

my best friend had sex (well, that was what he called it) with a man that lasted literally ten seconds, then he rolled over and in shock she started to get dressed to leave and he said "alright, my man's ready to go again. will you suck us off?" she said she burst out laughing and walked out.

OMG

Possibly the worst thing ever to admit...

at a friends house age 16, sleeping on floor with DP and everyone was asleep on various sofas around us... trying very hard to be quiet...

Friend says "You're not doing it right, she's not screaming."

Definite mood killer.

had a scorching hot although inappropriate one nighter when recently out of long term relationship. Afterthe deed, he declared "I thought that would be shit as you said you've only had sex with one person in the last 7 years, but it was excellent, well done".
To be fair I roared, but still not clear why he thought one partner in the last few years Would mean no skills.

A friend of mine took home the sort of women it doesn't take work to get into bed if you see what I mean,
after they had finished, she laughed and said "well how was your first threesome?" obviously he was confused, until she told him she was pregnant so technically it was a threesome!

"Take the cream" whilst coming.

Bumbledog has been giving me very funny looks as I keep laughing.
The cat farting one made me laugh most of all!!!

Cant breathe here!! Some of these are fantastic. Actually sad that I am on the last page!

No where hear as good but my ex used to talk ALOT and expect lots of dirty talk back. I soon found out that whispering in his ear managed to get him to complete within about 30 seconds. I once whispered;
'Hurry the fuck up you dirty basta...'
'Eurrrrghhhhh. That was amazing.'

Didn't last long. Much like the sex.

After having sex, he asked me, "Have you ever done this before?"

Erm, yes... Admittedly only once, but I have.

WITH YOU!

DH: Reaches under the bed and pulls out a gadget...... "Put your thumbs on this bit here and let me check your body fat measurement"

(Notice he waited until afterwards)

ggrrrr...!!

Chum woman, Sooty, Fountain dude, I am crying with laughter, crying

I've just remembered a couple of comments that are so ingrained into our sex life that I don't even notice them.
"Don't move" and afterwards "did you come" I'm pretty sure he would've known if I had and to be blunt I can count on one hand the amount of times I have done, I always just say "mmm yes lots" I've given up on him lol, good job I love him.

An ex, responding to my confusion about what on earth he was doing, 'let's just see what hole it goes in shall we?'

I said, er, let's just stick to the usual shall we? I was young and eager to please so apologised afterwards. Now I wish I had slapped the fecker and dumped him there and then.

My lovely ex used to say, "Don't speak and don't touch me, I need to concentrate"

And my all time favourite - when we first had sex, it would appear I don't have porn perfect bits or summat - "Are you sure you haven't had a sex change?"

Yes I am actually. I am very sure. Twunt.

"like a starving dog on a tin of Chum"

I can't breathe!!!

This thread is brilliant.

My Aunt (who'd been separated from EXH for about 10 yrs) got drunk one night and slept with her friend's brother. She said just as they were getting down to it he declared "I'M GONNA RIP YOU A NEW PUSSY !" She somehow managed to keep a straight face and left shortly afterwards - pussy intact....

When DH and I were just dating, he turned up on my doorstep very early one Sunday morning apparently still drunk. We went upstairs but he seemed very weird and kept on asking me to bite his cock as I was giving him a bj. "Bite it ! Bite it! Harder !" he was shouting as I munched away like a starving dog on a tin of Chum. Then as he came he declared "SUUUUUPPPPPEEERRRRBBBBBBB!"

Turned out one of the fucking clowns he was out with decided it would be funny to put an E in his beer.....

Thanks WitchyLeaks for the Sooty theme tune. I was going mental there.

One guy I'd fancied since school, we met up when I was single and although I no longer liked him I decided to shag him anyway.

Afterwards he goes, do you wAnt a towel I keep one here just in case... Then pulled a hand towel from under his pillow.

We'd used a condom and I was as dry as a cream cracker as it lasted a minute?

OH once declared that "that was squelchy!" immediately after, once.

Urgh.

A beautiful Greek god, just getting hot and he says "Snooky I don't have plastic". He meant condom, bless....

Note to self: get blood pressure machine

whoops!! not BOF boffinmum sorry!