What's the worst/funniest thing that a man has ever said to you after having sex?

I asked him 'is it in yet' and he said 'iv finished' .... Gods honest truth

"I was waiting anxiously to see if anyone had crossed paths with my old boss. Whilst having sec he would.say, who's the master."

how do you know that?

Tiger mask wtf.

I may have to try that.

I was waiting anxiously to see if anyone had crossed paths with my old boss. Whilst having sec he would.say, who's the master.

DP once turned to me and said 'Did you..' and then stopped himself and looked away. I was confused and said 'what? Did I what?' And then he started laughing uncontrollably. He confessed he was about to say 'Did you put the bin out?' !! He had no idea where it had come from or why it had crossed his mind!

"I spunked on the bible"

We were in a hotel and he'd pulled out to come.

That is awesome eccentrica

I once had a bloke stop during sex so that he could give me a 'surprise'. Thought it might be a vibrator or something. He reappeared wearing a tiger mask...

I'm happy to hear this, TwoSteps. All kinds of scenarios were running through my mind from your post.

I can relax now!

Don't worry, it was an accident Frank (when I say "ripped" I mean 'forced' IYSWIM!) and he was also my DH at the time, so not as bad as it could have been!

Fuck!

TwoStepsBeyond: [shock

This is one for the geeks.

When I was a student I was into D & D games (that's Dungeons and Dragons).

One male member of the group apparently shouted, at the point of climax, 'Quad impale!'.

"I want this on the regular"

No joke.

Cocky bastard, needless to say I never saw him again.

Imnot, the sort of level where out of the bedroom you'd go to A and E! Can't remember exactly, will surreptitiously inquire.

Jesus at fucking in Saris that's brilliant lol

These had me in absolute stitches last night, I woke DH up because I was shaking the bed with mirth will never be able to hear the word fountain in an innocent situation again

I'll stick to funny ones rather than worst as this is a such a hilarious thread.

I've had 'thank you' and 'good girl' a lot. Also there was the guy who would take AN AGE removing and folding his clothes before sex. He would go and find spare hangers in my wardrobe and actually hang his clothes up in there (we were casual) but honestly, I had nearly gone off it by the time he was ready. He would also enquire if I had managed to 'squeeze an orgasm out yet?' which I though was a bit no mate you'd be able to tell He said say I was divine though

I was giving a BJ to another and he kept instructing 'suck' and 'wank' alternately. Now I don't mind some helpful pointers but this was literally the entire time, I ended up feeling like some kind of nodding dog / puppet.

The funniest was a bloke who was too old to be so fond of a few lines of coke with his sex. I can only assume this drug addled state is what encouraged him to whisper '"I will take you travelling to India and we will fuck wearing nothing but sari's" in what he must have thought was a seductive manner. I was and He told me that night (the first time we dtd) that he loved me too! I only shagged him once more.

"These condoms aren't bad, you can hardly tell you're wearing them". Needless to say, by that point he wasn't, having ripped a big hole in the end. 9 months later, DS1 arrived.

After having sex for the time the boy in question dropped me home. I received a text "I'm getting back with my ex so it's probably best you don't contact me for a while" about 5 minutes after I'd got in the house. I handled it quite well given the circumstances. I didn't reply not speak to him for around 2 years.

Another ex told me after I'd spent a thankless half hour giving him a blow job "next time don't over complicate it,let me do the work". So basically he wanted to fuck my face. It was one of many nails in the coffin of that short lived relationship.

I've laughed and laughed at these, can't believe how many weirdos there are out there.

I once pulled an absolute beauty, everyone fancied him although strangely he'd never had a long term or even short term girlfriend..... After a suitable amount of time, in order to seem like a 'nice girl', I decided to sleep with him. After a brief snog, he went straight into boring tiresome shagging, then proceeded to lick my ear during the whole thing while whispering in my ear 'Pretend its your fanny'.... After the hundredth time of having this muttered to me, I ended up in hysterics, and had to leave him high and dry so to speak. Obviously being 19, I told all my friends, and we all had a jolly old summer taking the piss.

Jesus just read the Sooty post- I used to love that show but I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to watch it again!!!!

I should mention that ' a lovely knob' is a phrase that would never pass my lips!!

I have had a few wees with laughter here. I can't claim that many of my own other than on a related subject a bloke I once had a ONS with told his mate that during the act I said he had ' a lovely knob'!! The mere mention of that phrase still has me and my mates in fits- 20 years on. My friend can claim 'Good girl' which someone else has already mentioned but what about ' you will never understand the miracle that you truly are' - all I can say is she must have been good :)

Alcon you didn't shag Alan Partridge did you?

Arf at the NASA style countdown