hey kids, let me tell you a little secret, love Mum...

DS I usually know where everything is in the house, so when you ask me where a Crappy Meal Toy or one of your 5 squillion drawings is and I say "I don't know, it must be somewhere though!", I really do know, and 'somewhere' is what I call the wheelie bin.

Our tv does really pick up the bedtime hour, it's just me changing channels behind my back at 6 o'clock and saying "Whoops it's gone off again! Let's go for a bath instead."

This is the best parenting advice I've read in a long time

Mummy doesn't have an extra pair of eyes on the back of her head darling.

Little birdies tell me NOTHING, sweetpea.

I'm just a controlling mother.

These are fab taking notes

Another one taking notes for future use from the best parenting course ever.

DD1 - you know you didn't like tomato soup? So Mr Heinz made some special orange soup for you? Cam in the same tin as everyone else's tomato soup? Hmm?

Oh, and like a PP poster, I had no idea what would happen if I actually got to 3 before you did what ever it was you were supposed to be doing. I am genuinely sorry you still freak out if you hear anyone counting slowly .

DS, who used to go to bed as soon as he heard the Emmerdale theme tune, I used to have it on programme record and play it if I wanted you to go to bed early.

DD2, There are not actually cameras trained on the sweets in Iceland. The manager was saying no when I phoned him and asked him and I continued to ask him to look at the CCTV footage to get you to confess to stealing the sweets instead of blaming your brother.

DD1 is 18 now and pretty much knows everything I hid from her now.

stealth if I guessed at LES would I be right? If not, I need a PM :)

Hec - lovely to be so popular that she has to start ATAAT isn't it

I must admit I love whoever introduced me to "Elf on a shelf".

It makes December, a very, very pleasant month.

Perhaps its time for Elf to visit for us her summer holidays too....

That David beckham didn't eat fish pie to make him the worlds best footballer and no he didn't call me up every night and tell me what he was having for dinner so you could have the same ;-)

That national lollipop shortage caused by all the lollipop workers going on strike, that MPs were asking questions in parliament about? Never happened. I just didn't want to buy you a lollipop. And that woman who grinned at us in the supermarket as she overheard me? She knew...

When I told you the paddling pool was closed on Friday I lied. It was because Mummy and Daddy wanted to sit and drink overpriced beer and cider and listen to folk music. Sorry DS1, you got an hour in the paddling pool so I'm not too mean! :)

I also record the bedtime hour so I can put it on early

Oh DS, yes it is great that the Cbeebies channel works again after it broke 2 years ago.

DD1 - when you think you are getting a special late night, you're not. You are going to bed at exactly the same time as normal. Not looking forward to the day you learn to tell the time.

Sorry ds but there is no such thing as cinema only films that won't get released on dvd, it's just that furry vengance was so fucking awful I couldn't bear to see again.

Dd things that are randomly 'broken' is just because they are really annoying and I can't bear them right now. Or I can't be bothered to get them out/supervise you. Also we don't run out of biscuits as often as I claim we do.

Ds I won't really beat up your teacher if she's mean to you, it was a stupid thing I said to cheer you up. Please don't tell her

When Mummy said that the shark at Deep Sea World was unwell and therefore was closed so the vet could look after I'm.......

Well, Mummy lied as she didn't want to go as it's overpriced and we only spend about an hour there. :)

Ha ha!

I might politely decline any future dinner invites from you too...

S'alright, can't say she's top of our xmas list either (shamelessly speaking for all sorry!). Yawn or what?

I've pinched the Santa idea. Sorry but that's too good to lose. Thank you so much!

Mummy's grape juice
Nade is really fizzy water
Pixie sweets are honey covered seeds
To get you off blue ice cream I said smashed smurfs.....
My toilet training phrase of "Princesses wear pants" worked marvellously til dad helpfully bought rapunzel pants...... (Now every pair had to have a sodding princesses face on....)

I'll let you know if have given her a phobia in a year or two.

I haven't got magic eyes that can see through the ceiling into your messy room, and when you come downstairs after your attempt at tidying up and ask if I can use my magic eyes to check , I will always say you need to do a bit more cleaning its still messy ! ( I want an extra 5 minutes peace)

"Calamares? No, not actually flowers. Squid. You have eaten it 100 times. It's really, really not flowers. What do they teach you at school?"

Pagwatch- ahhhh noooo!

This was my absolute worst nightmare when I was a kid. I had a massive phobia of seafood & frogs and was convinced my parents were really pretending the chicken was fish! I refused to eat any meat for ages and ages. The thought of seafood made and still makes me wrench.

I even accused asked DH a few years ago if the chicken he made really was chicken.....

Who took a dump in your handbag?.

I have a 'Tales of Friendship' on my planner, it's magic, it creates instant bedtime!

DS, I know you hate all fruit, you're right it is foul obnoxious stuff. And yes "pudding" is much much nicer. It is not, in any way, smushed up fruit.

wOLF SAUSAGES AND THE CASSEROLE DISH.....GENIUS